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Old 05-17-2013, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,227,017 times
Reputation: 53064

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So is the problem that your spouse doesn't think her family is terrible and wants to maintain ties to them?
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Hell, NY
3,187 posts, read 5,125,022 times
Reputation: 5704
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
well, I assume that this window into another world can offer something that other marriages may lack. When you marry someone from a completely different class, there’s already a massive difference that you have to acknowledge and explore. From the beginning, you take each other as unique and it’s a learning process. For that reason, when such relationships work, they really work. It is like inter-racial relationship.

I doubt that her family dislikes you for no reasons. I think somehow you offended them with your astonishing sense of superiority.

There is nothing wrong with making an honest dollar. But it seems like "making under $9 an hour in their 30s" is an issue for you. Your wife's family is not part of the 47% Income tax free freeloaders who never feel guilty about leeching off the rest of us. They have my respect.

Plus, how exactly do you define "class"?

"Members of the owning class own enough so that they do not have to work to stay alive, while members of the working class have to sell their work to survive. The point about the owning class is not that they are richer, but that they own the things that generate wealth without them having to work: essentially, land and buildings (giving them income from rent) and businesses (giving them income from the sale of goods or services)."

You and your wife's family belong to the same social class according to the above definition.

Great post. Plus 1 if I could rep you..Can't argue anything that you have said..
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Hell, NY
3,187 posts, read 5,125,022 times
Reputation: 5704
Quote:
Originally Posted by Socially Inept View Post
LOL!!

I have no right to complain about these terrible people because I am not perfect myself. Is that what you are saying?

That's not what she is saying. Go back and read her post from page five..It will clear it up for you.
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:40 PM
 
Location: Texas
3,971 posts, read 4,983,133 times
Reputation: 6952
Quote:
Originally Posted by Socially Inept View Post
They are not all working. Yes, they do work on and off but all of them have moved back and forth between minimum wage jobs, getting fired, collecting unemployment benefits for as long as possible, food stamps, Section 8, etc.

They are not trained intelligent trade people but just poor white trash. My wife agrees but insists we see them on occasion because they are family.
No matter how much your wife educated herself, no matter how much she "moved up the food chain"... deep down, she still connects and relates to her family. They raised her and it IS family. She's allowed to call them anything she likes...but when YOU call them white trash (doesn't matter about the truth), I bet she also feels like you include her in that.

It's kind of like saying "I can call my brother a butt head but if YOU call him a butt heat, we're gonna tango". Maybe your wife just feels she can't tell you how much it hurts her to hear you say it, even if she agrees.

Make sense? You still haven't told us how it's affecting your marriage. Do you two not have plenty of things to talk about or have in common? This post morphed to make you look more sympathetic but I remember you saying in the OP that she also has a problem (can't remember exactly now). As in, you can still see her "blue collar" ways...that seemed to really bother you but you haven't mentioned it since because people are saying you're the snob. Please give details on this, if you can...
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:44 PM
 
Location: CA
3,467 posts, read 8,115,581 times
Reputation: 4840
Okay, I have an example...

The OP says they criticize office, desk jobs. I suspect this is a defense agains the perceived notion that these jobs are somehow "harder" than their minimum wage public service jobs. They're combatting a notion that perhaps they are stupid or lazy because they work in fast food (or whatever they do), or that their experiences are not interesting or worth much.

So try to empathize with their situation. Acknowledge what they face in a typical work day
- Dealing with the public who are notoriously irritating & difficult. They maybe utilize interpersonal skills that they assume you don't use in your higher up job where you may encounter less volume of people. Perhaps compliment them on the flexibility it requires to adjust to so many people in so short a time & to provide them with smooth service that often goes unappreciated. Every time someone gets your drive-thu order wrong or is a moron in handling your purchase exchange, then are probably 10 it went smoothly & the person serving you made the process so easy you forgot about it. They may be closed to adapting to different cultures, but there are people skills they use which requiring adapting on a "micro level" of sorts. They have to operate off of certain shallow assumptions about people to do this, and that may lead to a closed-ness on a larger level, but in everyday interactions it actually allows for an efficiency in dealing with people.

- Fast pace, which may not require deep, intellectual thought, but certainly a kind of quick thinking on your feet to jump quickly from one task to another & make as little mistakes as possible. Again, people tend to focus on when such employees mess up in these jobs even though much of the time they are churning out high volumes at a good accuracy that goes unappreciated because you only consider your singular experience (and focus on the negative). They don't have the luxury to ponder deep things on these jobs. They have to keep a focus on what is going on around them & what needs to be done next with little reflection in-between, and they may feel this is a kind of mental alertness, one which can accomplish a lot of tasks even if not result in original ideas. There is a value in that, so attempt to appreciate it, especially as their contentment with such a role allows you to fill your role with less competition & less hassle to accomplish their tasks yourself.

Those are just two examples - there are more & I encourage you to think of them & note them to your relatives. Even just taking an interest in what they do may soften them because it shows you don't write their occupation (where they spend a huge chunk of their LIFE) off as uninteresting or worthless.

What if you were to encounter, say, a foreign culture which is tribal and a role of some within it is mainly preparing food? So many would be fascinated at the little details of what these people do, the small tricks & knowledge they've picked up, mainly because it's unusual to then. But in their own culture, they'll dismiss such roles for its simplicity, taking them for granted because it's so familiar.
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Old 05-17-2013, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,237 posts, read 34,342,140 times
Reputation: 73133
I find it more than odd that the OP hasn't given one detail on how the "issue" with relatives is derailing his marriage. It's more of a post about on what he considers white trash, and nothing to support his original "problem."

Jerks are jerks, and idiots are idiots. I have found that it has nothing to do with socio-economic factors at all. When in a situation that forces it, I can usually find some commonality with whom I need to socialize.

In my opinion the post speaks much worse on the OP than on the in-laws.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,227,017 times
Reputation: 53064
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
I find it more than odd that the OP hasn't given one detail on how the "issue" with relatives is derailing his marriage. It's more of a post about on what he considers white trash, and nothing to support his original "problem."

Jerks are jerks, and idiots are idiots. I have found that it has nothing to do with socio-economic factors at all. When in a situation that forces it, I can usually find some commonality with whom I need to socialize.

In my opinion the post speaks much worse on the OP than on the in-laws.
I agree. The initiation of the thread indicated that some type of disconnect was causing problems in his marriage, which hasn't really been addressed. Somewhere mid-thread, the line changed to "Her family is awful, and they're awful to her," when previously, commentary had been made that his wife had traits he considered low class. He's kind of all over the place.

I totally understand wishing a partner would distance themselves from a destructive, abusive family that disrespects them and treats them poorly. I know firsthand, unfortunately, what kind of hellishness that can wreak on a relationship when there is all kinds of unresolved baggage where the person still feels beholden to abusive people and wants to spend all his or her time focusing on what can be done to please them. But it's still not clear that that's what the OP's beef is. It kind of seems like that's not really it.

Honestly, this is a big reason that one of the biggest learning experiences in my life has been that what type of family a prospective partner comes from (i.e. are they nurturing, kind, supportive, good people...not what do they do for a living, what do they drive, what do they make, but what the people are really like as human beings) matters so very much. My S.O. values and respects my family, because we were both raised in families with many similar, compatible values, and because he values and respect me. My experience has been that when that's not the case, it's pretty awful.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:18 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,227,017 times
Reputation: 53064
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post

Jerks are jerks, and idiots are idiots. I have found that it has nothing to do with socio-economic factors at all.
Hear, hear. The way you treat others is everything.
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Old 12-10-2013, 08:50 PM
 
131 posts, read 132,967 times
Reputation: 113
Interesting how Americans relate occupation to class, now I own my own business but because I have to work I am working class, and so are all Americans who need to work for a living.

But one is curious, what is the American upper middle class ? do they have a posh accent like mine ? or does money and money alone put a person into the American upper class ?
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Old 12-11-2013, 01:00 AM
 
305 posts, read 373,240 times
Reputation: 208
Sounds like her family just doesn't like you. Uneducated people talk just as much as educated people.

Maybe they know you're judging them.
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