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Again, I am just seeing if anyone has gone thru the phases that I mentioned or had something similar. I have a few friends that have tried and have gone thru similar phases.
I don't think it is a 'loser' attitude in adapting to someone, but more of the emotional stress of trying to make it work that makes you adapt - which is what I mean by the 'fake persona'..loser or not. I believe that you are thinking with your heart and not your brain.
OP: When I first left my cheating BF, I wanted to be able to work it out - knowing that it would have to be a mutual thing. He said that he wanted to work it out, but didn't make any effort. We basically just dragged the whole ordeal out, until last month when I said, "No more."
We have not tried to reconcile, so I don't have the answer to your questions in regard to the phases you described. I can certainly understand how the steps could be a couple's reality.
I have heard of couples reuniting. I have hoped that it would happen to me. I have hoped that I would wake up from my nightmare. As Knight2009 said, everyone makes mistakes. A person would have to be very loved to be forgiven for such a betrayal - and loved my man to the end of the earth. I would like to think I could forgive him.
I must say that, at this point, I am simply trying to piece my life back together.
The only issue with that is, even though I loved him that much and could possibly forgive him, he didn't love me enough not to betray me in the first place. If the love from him wasn't there before the betrayal, what makes me think it would be there after? Would it be a huge epiphany on his part after the affair to realize that he loves me?
I don't have the answers yet, and may never have the answers. I simply think that IF we were to start talking, it would be after I've had time to get over the hurt and it would be after he's had time to appreciate me.
And I must say that, at this point, I am simply trying to piece my life together.
Last edited by metamorphosis; 05-19-2013 at 10:22 AM..
The only issue with that is, even though I loved him that much and could possibly forgive him, he didn't love me enough not to betray me in the first place.
I took an ex back who I think cheated on me. I only think this now after the 3rd (may have been more than the third, I may have lost count)time the relationship failed and he was so much more obvious that he was a cheater.
Your post is very accurate from either side. It takes time to rebuild trust and you cannot just pick up where you left off or you will end the same way- or worse.
Third time I think he cheated because he ended up with the girl for a few months after our break up (and quickly after our break up too.) Since I concluded he did it the 3rd time we were together, I concluded the suspicions I had the first time we were together were probably correct. If he can do it later he can do it sooner. He showed he was capable of it.
Oddly enough, (though I now clearly see he was pursuing one of his female friends who was only using him for attention and not really interested.) I do not believe he cheated on me the 2nd time we were together. Probably due to choosing a hard to get target and the length of time we were together which I don't think was even 3 months.
Hindsight might not be 20 20 but it sure is clearer than when you're right in the middle of it and really trust a person.
And you know, it might be a double standard, might depend on generation because it seems young women are just getting easier and easier (no offense, could just be my advanced age showing.) but I think it's even worse when a woman does it.
The only man I cheated on I was never in love with. Maybe I just got my payback X3 with this particular man I describe above whom I was very much in love with.
Just my old fashioned way of doing things, but men, I don't think a woman will cheat on you if she's in love with you. Of course this can't apply to every woman, but I'm guessing most of us.
Good luck with your reconciliation. Take it slow and rebuild the trust , respect, communication, love and passion.
I forgave a cheater more than once, but nothing except divorcing stopped her from cheating on me. Good luck to all of you out there who think it is worthwhile to forgive a cheater. I've been there, done that, and would never do it again...
You take back a cheater (to answer someone else's question) because there is more to a person than "being a cheater". HOWEVER , they need to prove themselves so trust is rebuilt.
And having been cheated on and feeling really stupid and that I wasted too much time believing in a liar etc. (A charming snake , a con man, a piece of sh*t , a player etc.) , I personally would not do it again.
metamorphisis: did you find that during the 'drag out' period it was sort of a 'fake' relationship?
I think also that a lot of the decisions that are made during this time are with the heart and not so much the brain..
The "drag out" period was quite strange. He said that he wanted to work it out, but would only call once a week for about 20 minutes. In those few minutes, he didn't have much to say. It was like he was afraid to say anything for fear of "getting caught". We would go over casual things like the weather and traffic - as if we were two people passing on the street. We didn't get anything resolved as far as our relationship went. In fact, I had asked him why he calls if he doesn't say anything. His response was that all he does is go to work and come home. That's when I pointed out to him that, in the beginning of our relationship, we did exactly that, but spoke on the phone for over an hour every night.
So, yes, I guess he didn't know what to say to me and it was hard for me to have a one-way conversation. By asking him not to call, I saved him having to think of a couple things to say on the phone. Yep, I'm a stress-buster, too. LMAO
I experienced unfaithfulness from the person that I love some time ago. She was sincerely sorry and remorseful for her actions, and pleaded for forgiveness, and for a second chance at love together. I forgave her unconditionally and told her that of course I still loved her, and would always love her -- there was no anger, no harsh words, nothing like that exchanged. No problems since then, and if hopefully everything goes as planned, we will soon be engaged, in the near future
at which time she will continue cheating on you
people are so fos with their "remorse"
the 2 easiest words in the English language to say are "I'm sorry."
Have fun being a door mat
I took one of my dear female friends to a shrink who specializes in family counseling, relationship counseling and surviving infidelity.
I didn't hear the whole conversation between my friend and the shrink, only thing I know is that she (my friend) was very angry at me because she thought I wasted her time. She said, "Do you know the shrink is divorced herself? She said she got cheated on and she could never forgive her cheating husband. And she had the nerve to ask me to buy one of her books about surviving infidelity and charge me $70/hour for a lousy counseling session."
I was speechless after that.
“When your lover is a liar, you and he have a lot in common, you're both lying to you!”
― Susan Forward, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“When would he realize that it wasn't his infidelity I couldn't bear, but his cowardice?”
― Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key
I have never cheated on anybody (and I never will). I have never been cheated on either (and I KNOW this is a fact). I am not addicted to pain.
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 05-23-2013 at 02:46 AM..
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