Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm a 32 y/o woman. My husband is 30 y/o.
We met each other when I was on vacation in his country 2.5 years ago.
I have a hard time knowing where to start.
Almost ever since we got to know each other we've been having fights. Daily. Broken up (mainly me who threatened with a break up) out of frustration and sadness.
5 months ago he moved with me to my county. Before that we had a long distance relationship.
Things have just been so difficult ever since.
He hates my county. I'm from Scandinavia. Doesn't know the language, yet. Feels isolated. He keeps saying it's a "dead country" with nothing to do in. He's bored here. People are not his cup of tea. The thing is, he's a well travelled man. Since a young age, he's been traveling all over the world, and have been living and working in many places. To name a few; Montreal, NYC, London, Florida etc.
And due to that, I totally understand why my county then seems like the most boring place on earth. Truth is, that I myself never "loved" my county, and I always had a hard time seeing myself living here my entire life. But, I'm so very torn. The fact is that I have my family here, who I am deeply connected to and they mean the world to me. To live without them and having children who would only see their grandparents and the rest of the family rarely, would kill you.
My husband is aware of the fact that I can't live without my family and no, I don't share with him my own feelings about living here in Scandinavia, cause I don't think it would make sense to tell him that, when we're only here because of me.
My husband doesn't work yet, cause he doesn't have a work permission. So he also feels quite isolated here. He does go to the gym, but it doesn't seem like it's social enough for him.
He doesn't have the same strong connection with his own family back home as I have with mine. And he basically doesn't want to go home again. But he do want to live in Florida again or Montreal, where he's been living for 6 years of his life. And has tons of very good friends there. I don't think he's been giving my county a fair chance. But on the other hand, I don't think he'll ever love it here. People are way too different here than in North America.
My husband is an entrepreneur with high living standards, and people here are just extremely grounded and doesn't live a lifestyle like that. It's hard for him to find the same friends as he used to have in N.America.
I am frustrated every day cause I can see how frustrated he is, and I feel that I have such a big responsibility on my shoulders, in order for him to be happy here. It's also frustrating that I at the age of 32 y/o, doesn't feel that we can start our life together in a so called "peace of mind", a peace of "this is where we're going to stay bad build up our life together" I much more feel like that "we're living here today, but next week or next month it could all be looking very differently". This feeling stresses me tremendously.
Would have loved to write much more, but I feel bad for all of you who needs to read it. But feel free to ask me additional questions.
Is there potential for a compromise? It sounds as though he enjoys city living. For you, a location closer to family is important. Is there a large enough city close by that would serve as a compromise for the two of you?
OK. Calm down. I am an American who has been living in Denmark for 21 years. I met and married a danish woman, here, after a couple of years dating her and others, all danish. I did come with a danish job in hand and after about 4 years got permanent residency.
I don't know the citizenship of your husband, but I can tell you that the danish mindset about many things (relationships, family, meaning of freedom and democracy, etc.) is much, much different than in North America, at least the english-speaking parts.
I had an advantage in that I had a job when I got here, got used to the danish dating/relationship style while I was here, and met my wife here. Our relationship has succeeded because my wife has become quite americanized and because I have lived here long enough to at least understand and in some cases adjust to what is going on in people's heads. It took time and a lot of acceptance and willingness to meet each other half-way. But the one border that my wife will never drop is never moving back to the USA and I have accepted that.
Sad to say, I have seen many Americans come to with (and then leave without) their danish wife or girlfriend. In some cases, it was the difficulty in finding work that was a serious problem, but in all cases the over-riding factor was that for the man, the danish woman in Denmark was very different from the danish woman he met in America. She was more independent and more "flexible" in the danish way than in the American way. To these men, she seemed less committed, less romantic, more practical, more attached to her danish family than him, etc. While I did not meet my wife in America, I have had the same feelings. However, because both of us were willing to move toward each others' culture and more willing to try to understand and accept the differences, things have worked out "godt nok".
I hope you find something you can use, here. Feel free to PM me, if you want.
So you married him and you are the only one working?
I think you need to make a decision. Between love and family.
Living in your country doesn't seem to work for him. If your love is strong enough, you might have to move someplace where he likes it and where he can work. Far away from your family.
And the constant threats of breaking up are very damaging. Don't do that if you don't mean it. One day he might just go when you threaten.
I don't see any other solution than move away or divorce.
I think it's time for a compromise here. He's tried living in your country and doesn't care for it...maybe you could try living in Florida or Montreal for him.
If you aren't willing to live outside of the circle of your family, then this relationship isn't going to end well for either one of you.
While it would be easy to blame this on location, it sounds like you two jumped the gun when marrying after only dating long distance.
Is he from Bulgaria, by chance?
This. OP, why did you marry a guy with whom you fought from the beginning of getting to know him?
Scandinavia can be a big culture shock for some people. It can be hard to make friends. From what I understand, it's pretty easy to enroll in language classes, so the fact that he's chosen not to do that (it could offer him some social opportunities, too, perhaps) seems to indicate that he's not serious about making a go of it there. The language is not that hard to learn. He might have an easier time making friends if he learned the language, not to mention--finding employment, once he got the right visa/permit.
Curious as to why you're so concerned about where to live, when it sounds like you two have never been compatible....?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 02-27-2017 at 11:25 AM..
First of all, I'm sorry to hear that. You guys haven't been together for very long, you should be happy, not sad, frustrated, stressed.
I think you won't like what I'll tell you. I don't think your relationship/marriage has a future. Not just because your husband doesn't like it in your country. You guys have been having DAILY fights since you met, that is not normal or healthy, and you even say yourself that you're worn out and desperate about the whole situation. Your husband doesn't seem to give your country a chance, and- since I'm from the same area of the world as you (you didn't state what country you're from)- he's completely exaggerating because at least in my country (I'm Swedish-German), there is tons to do. Even if the culture isn't as open as in other countries, I know many expats in my country that loved it there and have made tons of friends.
And by the way, my SO of several years is also from a different continent than I am, and our cultures are SO different. Still, we made it work. We're happy and we barely fight. I live in his country, and even though I don't absolutely love it, I'm quite happy here (and with him, I'm super happy). You guys have different expectations from this relationship, and different plans from the future. You're not happy, and he isn't either. You're 32, you're still young and you know you need to make a change. I think it would be for the best to end this relationship because it isn't going anywhere and makes you miserable most of the time. It will hurt a lot for a short while, but in a couple of months from now, you'll realize it was the right decision.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
