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In addition to abuse, I think the most common cause is despair, really. No matter who files or makes the first move, they're tired of having the same fights about the same things over and over, they're tired of the other person saying things will change and then falling right back into the same pattern. They're tired of the lack of communication and the counseling that doesn't work. They're not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, which is not the same thing as boredom at all.
Women I know who pursued divorced did so because of spousal/child abuse, emotional neglect, alcoholism/drug abuse, financial irresponsibility or infidelity (usually repeated)
Certainly there was nothing "boring" about these marriages. Too much instability, rather.
I suggest to anyone who believes that women divorce out of boredom (or greed) to read some of the divorce forums. What people endure (men and women) before taking the step to divorce is typically excruciating.
I'm always surprised by these posts that say people (usually it's 'women') initiate divorce because they are 'bored'. Have you seen that happen?
Among folks I know, divorce is generally due to severe issues like abuse and/or addiction, which the person has tried for many years to cope with.
What's your experience?
People change for various reasons as they get older. Some just want to try something different. It's more that than abuse or addiction.
My ex wanted to live out her fantasy to have sex with Asian men. She cheated on me and did it.
Also, mental health problems on her end were later diagnosed.
I haven't experienced too many divorces, but so far the biggest reason has been the men cheating on their wives. I've witnessed at least 7 or 8 of those. One was that the woman cheated on her husband, but it was in retaliation to him cheating on her. That one was a mess.
Um... My aunt divorced my uncle because he got another woman pregnant. My ex-roommate divorced her husband because he lost his job and refused to get another one due to getting obsessed with World of Warcraft.
I can't think of a single one where either party got 'bored'.
I've noticed that a lot of people my age (40-ish) are all getting divorced all at the same time, it seems (16 couples within the past 2 years--Wow--I just counted).
They give all kinds of reasons like "we've grown apart..." but in my opinion, in most of these cases it looks like they gave up too quickly without trying everything possible. Of course, I don't know 100% how much they've tried. But most of these people seem to be pretty open about airing all their personal stuff, so if they had tried therapy or other interventions, they'd have certainly mentioned it (there does not seem to be any issue with them being ashamed to talk about therapy).
None of them are talking about physical abuse, so that's out. A few have involved some alcoholism on the part of one of both of the people in the couple, but nothing seemingly severe (to the outsider of course). Some mention there had been some past infidelity, that's over now, but they want to divorce because they "can't forgive what happened." But what bothers me most, is that many of these people seem to just talk about "I just can't stand him anymore," " I just look at him and he disgusts me," "she just started being a psycho b****," or "she's just been treating me like ****." These general expressions of anger seem to be phases that all couples go through, but not everyone divorces. So I wonder why these people just gave up so easily. Don't we all go through periods when we can't stand the sight of our partner? It passes, you get over it. That's what it's like to be in a relationship--it's not all a honeymoon.
It's not like their choosing divorce is the "easier" option--some of them are moving to more modest homes, getting dinky apartments, and formerly stay-at-home-moms are now having to work and pay for child care. So it's certainly disruptive. What is also surprising me is that in these divorcing couples, a lot of the women, and some of the men, went rapidly back into dating. I'm 43 and in a long term relationship, but if we broke up, I certainly wouldn't be burning to go back out and start dating again! I thinks I'd just enjoy being alone.
A few of these women are now very focused on their appearance--hair, makeup, weight, clothes-- and going out to bars and meeting guys online. It seems (to me) that it must be hard for their kids to watch this. I couldn't imagine being 10 or 12 and seeing my mom suddenly start dressing hot-to-trot and going out with guys. These women also tend to announce proudly on facebook how they're going on dates, getting tattoos to commemorate their new freedom, posting pictures of themselves looking seductive. It's a bit off-putting, since they used to seem like pretty stable, family-oriented people.
So I guess that my perception among the couples I know is: Divorce today just seems to be a default choice for people who really don't seem to want to work on things. I know myself, and if I ever made a vow to spend the rest of my life with someone, for better or for worse, etc, I've certainly try everything before giving up. A vow means a lot to me, but it doesn't seem to mean as much to these couples I know. I even value a promise a lot, and in my adult life, I've never promised anything and gone back on it. It kind of makes me think that we should go back to when the laws required people to have "grounds" for divorce. If they didn't have legal grounds, they had to try to work it out. No-fault divorce has turned into default divorce.
My experience was being married to a woman that wanted to control my life, was very jealous, and accused me of having an affair, when in fact I was not and had no intention of such a thing. My wife had one affair after another and I didn't know it until she admitted it to me two years into the last affair. My son is in a situation where his wife is not happy if she in not in charge of any situation around her. She was a stay at home mom for the first twenty years of their marriage, now she works about four hours a day. My son has always done his own laundry, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning in the house, all of the outdoor lawn chores, and upkeep on the house. He makes a good living and doesn't drink or run around on his wife. His wife has fired two marriage counselors and accused them of being 'brain washed", she did that because they told her she needed help. His wife will never been happy, she has no friends, and no hobbies. In my book, you make your own happiness, and life is too short to be miserable..
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