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It is contrary to popular belief, because it is wrong.
What they actually look at is income. Mens income after marriage increases immediately after divorce, while female incomes decreases. They forgot to ask why. That is in fact a sign that men get poorer, not the other way around. What is actually happening is that men is working longer hours, because they need to pay for alimony and child support. The woman can reduce her hours and focus on the kids as she get support from the dad.
Studies like this is what many women use to screw men over in divorce settlements. But those women would absolutly refuse to change roles after a divorce. Meaning he gets full custody, she has to pay him child support and possibly spousal support.
They also didn't take into account assets, which in the UK where the study took place is significant. In the UK assets are not split equally, but often in favour of the one with the greater need. Guess who that is. And all assets are split, not just pre-martial assets.
Actually if I lived in the UK I would absolutely refuse to get married without a prenup and possibly not at all. The laws are in fact worse than the US. And it seems like people from the UK have noticed it too, as the marriage rate in the UK is 63% of US marriage rate.
Well, that is one reason I think that the SAHM thing is not realistic in todays society. Yes, I think that if they can, moms should stay at home until the kids reach school age, then I believe that the SAHM should restart her career, at least on a PT basis. Of coarse, that takes planning, not having a child every 24 months, ending up with six kids of all ages.
Todays marriage is different than it was 50 years ago. The June Cleaver era is over, divorce was not at over 50% and two incomes was not the norm. Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemies, they don't want to work but they want financial security for the rest of their lives, doesn't work that way today. In most states, there is no more alimony for life, the average is something like 5 years.
As for this OP, I would suggest she see an attorney and a financial planner.
How are people able to afford two households following divorce in this day and age of low-paying jobs, jobs that are hard to find, etc.?
Has anyone here successfully gone from a SAHM to a divorced mom who was really able to support herself and her children? How did you do it? Were you able to quickly find a job and how is your and your children's quality of life now?
And yes, I know there's such a thing as alimony but obviously one can't squeeze blood from a stone. Most single-income families (including mine) are just about making it as it is.
Any input would be welcome.
I don't know any SAHM's. So all the divorced women I know keep doing what they are doing and make it just fine as single moms.
Well, that is one reason I think that the SAHM thing is not realistic in todays society. Yes, I think that if they can, moms should stay at home until the kids reach school age, then I believe that the SAHM should restart her career, at least on a PT basis. Of coarse, that takes planning, not having a child every 24 months, ending up with six kids of all ages.
Todays marriage is different than it was 50 years ago. The June Cleaver era is over, divorce was not at over 50% and two incomes was not the norm. Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemies, they don't want to work but they want financial security for the rest of their lives, doesn't work that way today. In most states, there is no more alimony for life, the average is something like 5 years.
As for this OP, I would suggest she see an attorney and a financial planner.
I had my first child and went back to work. I had my second child and went back to work. I went back to work for a little while with my third, but decent childcare wasn't in the cards. I'm far from June Cleaver and the plan wasn't to SAH. We're undecided if I'll return to work when the youngest is old enough to go to school full time. Any of the jobs start at 8:30 and finish at 5pm. School is 8:35 to 3pm. I would need to drop the kids off at 7:30 and pick up at 6:30 (add extra half hour drive home). Rates for before and after school care are very high. It still ends up being the equivalent of full time daycare X3 for our children. By the time I pick up the kids and get home, it will be 7pm at night. Bed time is 8pm. What kind of parenting can I get in during that time? What sort of diet will my family have?
I'm starting to think it would be wiser to wait until the kids can be trusted to be home alone and a later bed time to go back to work. During the day, while the kids are at school, I can do more volunteer work to keep my resume up to date and before I go back to work I can go back to school to refresh my skills.
My youngest isn't old enough for full time school yet, so we have more time to decide. These broad statements of what women should and shouldn't do, fails to consider the realities of family life and local considerations.
I am a divorced mom. In our divorce decree, we are supposed to have 50/50 custody and expenses... but the reality of it is my Ex moved out of the school district and so our child stays with me close to 80% of the time.
My standard of living changed a little, but not much and I still do just fine. First off--I wasn't a stay-at-home mom. I worked and have a decent paying professional job. I pay for after school child care, so I do get "child support" from my Ex to pay for his half of that expense. Our incomes are similar--but with the 50/50 split and me paying the entire child care bill--it works out as a reimbursement. He could have chosen to pay it too if he wanted. If we didn't have it, we'd both be in trouble since he wouldn't be able to work on his parenting time and I wouldn't be able to work on mine. I don't get any "extra" from the child support. In fact, because the reality is that I have our child most of the time despite the 50/50 agreement, I am at a disadvantage. I also buy all of her clothes, pay for her tutor, after school activities, etc. Her father does pay for sports programs she's in though and takes her on nice vacations.
We sold the single family home we lived in--it was upside down, so no money was made there. We split our savings too and each just kept out own IRAs and 401ks. (Yes, we mediated everything they way we wanted--we didn't leave it to a judge).
To make ends meet, I bought a smaller home with a smaller mortgage (rent here is the same as a mortgage payment because rental inventory is so low). The hard bit was coming up with the 20% down.
Not to trash my Ex too much, but he was a bit of a spendthrift. For example, he was always buying designer clothes and shopping at specialty stores while I bought my clothes and our child's at Kohles and such. He spent more a month on dry cleaning his clothes than I spent a year on new clothes for myself. The man had more running shoes than I had shoes in general. And that's just clothing... that's not what he spent on other luxuries for himself. So right off the bat, losing him saved a lot of money.
I live on zero-based budget. I know where every dollar goes and I make adjustments if I go over budget. I also save for retirement, college for my child, and a few hundred a month for general savings.
To keep costs down, I don't eat out much at all. I make homemade food. Because I work, I tend to do a lot of cooking on the weekend and then freeze things to reheat later. I dropped my smart phone for a prepaid phone (saving me $80 a month). I don't use credit cards except for online purchases (and then I pay off the balance each month). I do free things for entertainment like go to the community pool, go to the local parks and museums, etc and go to the beach (I stay at a relative's house near the beach). I get my books from the library, etc.
I do splurge on two things: every two years a nice vacation and my scuba diving hobby.
Every story is different. I have the "luck" of having a good career and being money smart and thrifty (I like to joke that my Depression era grandparents used to call me thrifty--so I knew it was true). Some women don't have jobs or good jobs... and some never learned to be wise with money. I recommend reading at the local library. There are a lot of good books on money management--something to suit just about anyone's style.
The OP may want to consider getting enough education to qualify for a decent job while she can if she stays for a while. If the plan is to leave him later she will still have to support herself later on.
Camlon - that chart says at the bottom for a rich man leaving a 10year marriage.
Rich men are not the average. You know this right?
I am not using the bottom line. I am using the other points such as maintenance, and assets.
In fact paying alimony, unequal division of assets, and child support are much harder for men with average income than rich men. A rich man can take the hit, it is much harder for men with an average income.
Quite a quandary isn't it? Your marriage has degenerated to a point where you don't want to be together, yet because of finances, it's better to stay. From what I read in your post, your youngest is 7. I didn't catch how many kids you have, or other ages. But let's look at what you're looking at.
Since you asked for advice on what steps to take, I'd suggest this first and foremost: Get a job NOW while you're still married. That way your income, and the day care issues can be worked out while you still are married. That gives you a jump on what is to come. It will also improve your well being since it gets you out of the house. Also you need to remember that eventually the kids will be old enough to be self sufficient at home, so you don't have to wait until the youngest is 18. You have to really really look long term on this. Ok? It might take a year or two to get yourself to where you're ready, but eventually you'll be self sufficient enough to get the divorce. I know that length of time might seem like forever right now, but trust me, it WILL go fast. You probably feel a little trapped right now, so take some time to relax, and start to draw up a plan of where you want to be at what time. AND SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!! Their support will be crucial. Good luck to you.
I am not using the bottom line. I am using the other points such as maintenance, and assets.
In fact paying alimony, unequal division of assets, and child support are much harder for men with average income than rich men. A rich man can take the hit, it is much harder for men with an average income.
You know, these guys could try asking for custody of their kids. Any of the divorces I've known, men at most want shared custody. Most don't even want that. I don't really understand the reasoning so much coming out of marriages with no children. I just get pissed off when guys don't take custody of kids and then whine about how much child support and alimony cost. Kids are expensive. Lost earnings are expensive.
I really don't know what comes into play when there are no kids. I haven't lived it and haven't seen those divorces. The idea when kids are involved, is to keep their lifestyle as close as they can to the lifestyle they had before the divorce. It's not about what's fair for the parents. It's about what is fair to the kids. If there's no kids involved, in break ups, I didn't want anything from my ex's. Either we broke up amicably or I was pretty pissed off and rejected anything and everything they gave me.
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