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Actually, one of the women is doing quite well for herself and makes a very good paycheck. She pays alimony and child support to her ex husband and they share custody 50/50. The other woman pays child support and her ex husband has full custody.
The other couples I know have the man paying some form of child support with varying degress of custody (because the kids are teens and had a voice in the choice).
But you can go on thinking you and your circle are from some elite class...LOL. That's pretty entertaining.
Those guys must have been really cute to make a kid with a woman who make much more than them.
Is that what marriage is supposed to be after 20 years? Am I just expecting too much?
no, its just what you and your husband made yours in to.
you personally where expecting change from a person who continuously showed every sign he wasn't ready or willing to.
forget trail separations and relationship structure stuff for now and focus on your life as an individual and better yourself by actively participating in the things that interest you.
after 20 years this man should be understanding of your needs more then anyone.
the nitty gritty details really don't matter, she knows how she feels. from what she writes they have done more then enough to bring the problems they have together to the forefront and understand them. at what point does "working them out" have to fail again and again before someone actually does something to better their situation?
she has no way of becoming interdependent and relaying on him for everything financially making it much harder for herself to go after her needs/wants/desires all while thinking of the welfare of her children.
the only way to eliminate this is to branch out on her own and obtain those tings for herself.
the nitty gritty details really don't matter, she knows how she feels. from what she writes they have done more then enough to bring the problems they have together to the forefront and understand them.
it sounds like she has no way of becoming interdependent and relaying on him for everything financially making it much harder for herself to go after her needs/wants/desires
Yea, just sucks when that happens I guess. You only get so many do overs in this life.
Thanks for the interesting perspectives and advice. It's given me things to consider.
I want to add that my husband is not a bad person. I want to remain friends if he wishes. I married him for his good qualities of loyalty, hard work and his easygoing attitude. Like so many great qualities, those have downsides like stubbornness, workaholism and a tendency to stay home and sit on the couch while ignoring opportunities to better our lives. As the marriage went on, they became more of the latter than the former despite my pleas and marriage counseling. But I know I have faults too. I'm not bitter, and I don't hate him.
Also, we're just hanging on to middle class. My husband doesn't make that much so splitting the household will definitely result in a big reduction financially for everyone. I'm currently working part time as a programmer and not making enough to support us. I went back to school because programming is being offshored and the jobs/pay aren't great anymore. As far as school, the nursing program I'm in is very demanding and not available full time. I have one year of a 3 year program left so I have to finish or start all over.
He's a much better dad now than when the kids were little and he didn't even know what grade they were in. They are getting closer to him now. I don't want to hurt my kids, and I'm afraid that even a separation will do that. I had a horrific childhood, and I wanted my kids to have that stable, picket fence childhood. I'm worried that I'm being horribly selfish for thinking of separation. Is it fair to the kids to lose so much so I can be happy? It sounds very selfish and immature when I say it. Things could be much harder for everyone for a long time if I do this.
I don't know what guy would agree to a legal separation unless he was using that time to figure out how the heck he was going to leave or limit his liability. He will be reduced to escorts because most women wont get with a guy who is separated.
In the state I live in, you have to be legally separated for 1 year before you can file for divorce. It's not a choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by highlife2
Those guys must have been really cute to make a kid with a woman who make much more than them.
Well they aren't my cup of tea...but at the time of divorce their wives were in a better financial position than they were.
As far as school, the nursing program I'm in is very demanding and not available full time. I have one year of a 3 year program left so I have to finish or start all over.
That is a difficult spot, however you are going to be better off financially in the long run. Can you stick it out until you get your degree? I looked into getting my master's in nursing when I was ready to return to the workforce. The degree is demanding and with 4 kids I knew I could not make it work...it's a tough schedule.
Quote:
Originally Posted by creativemama2
He's a much better dad now than when the kids were little and he didn't even know what grade they were in. They are getting closer to him now. I don't want to hurt my kids, and I'm afraid that even a separation will do that. I had a horrific childhood, and I wanted my kids to have that stable, picket fence childhood. I'm worried that I'm being horribly selfish for thinking of separation. Is it fair to the kids to lose so much so I can be happy? It sounds very selfish and immature when I say it. Things could be much harder for everyone for a long time if I do this.
Might I suggest sticking it out for as long as you can then? I just returned to work last year...best thing I ever did for myself. I love my job. It has helped to create balance and gives me much more control over my life. Should have done this a long time ago!
In the state I live in, you have to be legally separated for 1 year before you can file for divorce. It's not a choice.
Well they aren't my cup of tea...but at the time of divorce their wives were in a better financial position than they were.
Hopefully a good enough situation to hire out their sex until they can attract a new woman.
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