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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
And I do believe our OP has self-esteem issues, which is why I so strongly encouraged her to consider speaking with a professional.
But it should also be noted that one night stands aren't just a result of low/no self-esteem.
People who engage in them might also be commitment phobic, uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, self-destructive/self-sabotaging, in the manic phase of bipolar disorder, married cheaters, or just plain drunk.
Or two people could just be really horny and desiring some rubbing and figure each other will do.
Quote:
I've had a semi-ONS. I'd taken a break from dating and it had been a long while since I'd had sex due to the break from dating. I was having a difficult time during dates deciding if I was actually interested in an LTR with my date or if I was just horny. It really wasn't a big deal. I had a problem, I fixed it, life went on. I was sober, it was premeditated, I enjoyed myself, no special issues in my life. You're projecting your own cultural values on other people.
C'mon that is unfair. This is the first time she has ever done that.
I've had a semi-ONS. I'd taken a break from dating and it had been a long while since I'd had sex due to the break from dating. I was having a difficult time during dates deciding if I was actually interested in an LTR with my date or if I was just horny. It really wasn't a big deal. I had a problem, I fixed it, life went on. I was sober, it was premeditated, I enjoyed myself, no special issues in my life. You're projecting your own cultural values on other people.
If you want to call emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy choices "cultural" that's fine with me
Though to be fair, your description above doesn't sound like a "one night stand" at all.
You engaged in sex with a date you were considering a long term relationship with to gauge you real level of interest.
One night stands usually involve picking up a stranger (in a place like a bar), having sex and never seeing them again.
Last edited by lovesMountains; 06-23-2013 at 02:54 PM..
If you want to call emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy choices "cultural" that's fine with me
Though to be fair, your description above doesn't sound like a "one night stand" at all.
You engaged in sex with a date you were considering a long term relationship with to gauge you real level of interest.
One night stands usually involve picking up a stranger (in a place like a bar), having sex and never seeing them again.
By the time I decided on sex, I had no intention of seeing him again. It was close enough that I can see the positives.
Sex is sex. There is no spiritual realm. It doesn't exist. I made an emotionally healthy decision as an adult. I tend to be cautious, so I didn't throw three sheets to the wind and go home with some guy I picked up at a bar. Culturally, the only concern my parents would have about a ONS is safe sex and picking up a psycho. They don't believe in a spiritual world anymore than I do.
By the time I decided on sex, I had no intention of seeing him again. It was close enough that I can see the positives.
Sex is sex. There is no spiritual realm. It doesn't exist. I made an emotionally healthy decision as an adult. I tend to be cautious, so I didn't throw three sheets to the wind and go home with some guy I picked up at a bar. Culturally, the only concern my parents would have about a ONS is safe sex and picking up a psycho. They don't believe in a spiritual world anymore than I do.
But you are making my point
Even your own parents would have been concerned about you "picking up a psycho".
This comes under the heading of one night stands with strangers not being a "physically healthy choice", meaning your physical safety and well-being is potentially at risk when you pick up a stranger in a bar and have sex with them.
He could be "psycho", have HIV or any other numerous things going on that you can't see or know about that quickly.
Don't try to turn this into some kind of discussion on spiritual issues or infer that I somehow have an agenda here.
I tailor my responses on every thread NOT to my "cultural bias" but to the needs/desires/issues of the OP who started the thread. That is my SOP (standard operating procedure) for years now on this forum.
I already told the OP back on post 46 that "there is NOTHING wrong with an emotionally healthy, independent woman wanting sex."
And you yourself told her back on post 31 "Look up a therapist or psychiatrist covered by your insurance right now.", which I took to mean you see what I see here, a young woman not making the best choices for herself because of her lack of self-love and self-esteem.
And I do believe our OP has self-esteem issues, which is why I so strongly encouraged her to consider speaking with a professional.
But it should also be noted that one night stands aren't just a result of low/no self-esteem.
People who engage in them might also be commitment phobic, uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, self-destructive/self-sabotaging, in the manic phase of bipolar disorder, married cheaters, or just plain drunk.
Hm. I think you covered it all. Or maybe add "just plain horny" as another poster said.
Even your own parents would have been concerned about you "picking up a psycho".
This comes under the heading of one night stands with strangers not being a "physically healthy choice", meaning your physical safety and well-being is potentially at risk when you pick up a stranger in a bar and have sex with them.
He could be "psycho", have HIV or any other numerous things going on that you can't see or know about that quickly.
Don't try to turn this into some kind of discussion on spiritual issues or infer that I somehow have an agenda here.
I tailor my responses on every thread NOT to my "cultural bias" but to the needs/desires/issues of the OP who started the thread. That is my SOP (standard operating procedure) for years now on this forum.
I already told the OP back on post 46 that "there is NOTHING wrong with an emotionally healthy, independent woman wanting sex."
And you yourself told her back on post 31 "Look up a therapist or psychiatrist covered by your insurance right now.", which I took to mean you see what I see here, a young woman not making the best choices for herself because of her lack of self-love and self-esteem.
Let's stay on topic
There are risks to everything. You weigh the risks against the benefits and decide if it's worth it. I agree, in the case of the OP, she isn't coming at this from an emotionally healthy position. It's a bad plan. However, you concluded that anyone that made this decision had something wrong with them.
"People who engage in them might also be commitment phobic, uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, self-destructive/self-sabotaging, in the manic phase of bipolar disorder, married cheaters, or just plain drunk."
and made references to spiritually healthy choices bringing up spirituality into the conversation.
American culture seems to conclude that ONS's are ALWAYS bad. That there is something wrong with a person who goes that route. I'm more risk averse than some people I know. However, those that chose ONS's weren't like the OP and didn't all have something wrong with them. They weighed risks vs benefits and concluded that it was worth it. If they were drunk, I would have stepped in and never allowed a friend to do this. If I thought they were making a mistake, I would step in. But grown women can decide to have ONS's just because they want sex. It's not a choice all of us would make, but that doesn't make them wrong.
There are risks to everything. You weigh the risks against the benefits and decide if it's worth it. I agree, in the case of the OP, she isn't coming at this from an emotionally healthy position. It's a bad plan. However, you concluded that anyone that made this decision had something wrong with them.
"People who engage in them might also be commitment phobic, uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, self-destructive/self-sabotaging, in the manic phase of bipolar disorder, married cheaters, or just plain drunk."
and made references to spiritually healthy choices bringing up spirituality into the conversation.
American culture seems to conclude that ONS's are ALWAYS bad. That there is something wrong with a person who goes that route. I'm more risk averse than some people I know. However, those that chose ONS's weren't like the OP and didn't all have something wrong with them. They weighed risks vs benefits and concluded that it was worth it. If they were drunk, I would have stepped in and never allowed a friend to do this. If I thought they were making a mistake, I would step in. But grown women can decide to have ONS's just because they want sex. It's not a choice all of us would make, but that doesn't make them wrong.
To be clear, there are exceptions to every rule.
And this isn't an issue of "right" or "wrong".
It's an issue of making good, healthy choices.
Sometimes a choice is unhealthy emotionally, sometimes it's just unhealthy physically. And sometimes -depending on the person - it is unhealthy spiritually.
In general, woman who pick up strangers in bars for the sole purpose of having sex do have some kind of "issue".
Now, it could be as simple as they are just pissed off at their cheating boyfriend and want revenge - that's one kind of issue see (an emotional issue)?
I do believe that a majority of the time when a woman does this it's not healthy, for any number of reasons - such as the ones I listed above already.
what age should somebody(esp a woman) stop going to the bar to pick up men?
21.
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Or maybe add "just plain horny" as another poster said.
