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You posted here because you KNOW this crap is unacceptable. To him, it serves 2 purposes: it lets him get out of the conflict (temporarily) and it punishes you.
The "high-powered job" is just an excuse. Life won't get EASIER to deal with.
He's acting like a 4-year-old.
You should become "unengaged" until he agrees to deal with his emotional immaturity. It's a HUGE red flag.
You posted here because you KNOW this crap is unacceptable. To him, it serves 2 purposes: it lets him get out of the conflict (temporarily) and it punishes you.
The "high-powered job" is just an excuse. Life won't get EASIET to deal with.
He's acting like a 4-year-old.
You should become "unengaged" until he agrees to deal with his emotional immaturity. It's a HUGE red flag.
you are right as well. I plan to tell him I'm not putting up with it. I plan to tell him IF he does it EVER AGAIN, that I won't be here when he returns. I'm not letting this go.
I'm a newbie here and I'm really needing some advice from some unbiased people. I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years, we are getting married in October, this year. Last night we had an argument and he walked out, angry and texted me telling me he wasn't coming home. I haven't heard from him since last night. I don't know where he is and his phone is off.
Unfortunately this isn't the first time he has done this. It happened once before over a year ago. He checked into a hotel and stayed overnight returning a full day later. Our argument started when I told him I was hurt that he was very short with me the evening before. The last few days he has been very edgy. He has been stressed out at work and he has a very "high up" position in the company and he isnt happy with how things are going there. I feel like he has been bringing that anxiety home and taking it out on me.
Last night when we were talking and I told him he had hurt my feelings, I started to cry. He told me I was being ridiculous and dramatic. My fiance is very educated and intelligent. He is very introverted, where I'm extroverted and have no problem saying how I feel. He would rather avoid conflict and walk away from the situation then deal with it head on.
He has been very good to me and in all other facets of life, he is a wonderful and generous man. I love him dearly and I know he is very devoted to me. But this getting up and leaving isn't something I can deal with for the rest of my life! I feel its manipulative and cruel and its his way of controlling the situation. I could really use some help.
Tisk Tisk....BIG mistake to take work stress out on your spouse or kids but that said we humans are emotional creatures. Maybe he can't handle having a relationship and stressful job at the same time. Or maybe he can learn to compartmentize and keep work stress at work. He has to want to though. The best way is for him to learn to see YOU as a source of stress reliever, rathar than a source of stress.
He doesn't respect you. He doesn't accept how you feel and his reaction is to punish you.
It will only get worse, i promise you.
I understand how you feel now, but try to imagine yourself in a year or two years of constant put downs. How will you feel then? Try hard because this is not acceptable behavior even from a child.
This is exactly the sort of behaviour he indulged in.
It never stopped, I was always supposed to "fix" things and soothe him enough for him to come back. It was always my "fault" of course.
It was very emotionally draining and of course was an abusive behaviour that I just didn't see at the time.
Anyway 12 years and 2 kids later I stood and watched him walk out the door for the gazillionth time, and I changed the locks and called a divorce lawyer.
I never looked back.
He got a new girlfriend who spent her time...you got it, "fixing" things so he wouldn't leave her.
Of course none of this is comforting for you, except maybe to help you realise that you are playing his game. This sort of
"running away" behaviour is emotionally and psychologically abusive, do not think just because he doesn't beat you that he is a "great guy". Most folks figure out that running away is not a good idea at around age of 5 years old, but this guy is still doing it like a tantruming child.
You DO NOT want to enter into something permanent or even semi-permanent with a person who will use "work stress" or any other nebulous "stress" as an excuse to fly off the handle at you. TRUST ME. Tightly wound people who hold in and hold in and hold in and intermittently blow up at whomever happens to be there at the wrong time are not people who can have positive, respectful, and mutual relationships with others. We all have work stress, we all have other stress. Emotionally healthy people deal with their stresses productively, not by treating loved ones poorly.
You are right he was very cold and unfeeling. I think breaking it off is a bit much at this point. I'm not quite there yet. He is very educated and intelligent. Emotionally mature is something he is not.
nothing speaks to a cold and unfeeling person even if they are educated and intelligent like action.
or being resolute on action.
It's interesting to me that I am usually one of very few folks on this forum willing to call something abusive, and to recommend the OP dump abusive dude/ette. But this time a lot of people are saying it and I don't agree! I wonder what that means?
I think this is fixable via counseling. I think he just needs someone not-you to tell him, and some time to process the information, that crying when you are upset is not 'ridiculous and dramatic'... and that leaving overnight while keeping radio silence might be.
I'd bet he thinks his method is the calm, adult approach. I bet he's never considered that rational people might worry about him when he does this.
I had a bf who used to disappear for days at a time when upset, though we did not live together. When I told him I worried about him, he offered to text me once a day to tell me he was ok. And he was giddily happy that such an easy thing would matter so much to me. So it was a good solution for us. Maybe a counselor can help you find what works for the two of you -- what is easy for him and a big help to you.
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I plan to tell him I'm not putting up with it. I plan to tell him IF he does it EVER AGAIN, that I won't be here when he returns. I'm not letting this go.
You can do this if you want, but I think it would reinforce his idea that his behaviour is sane and calm and yours is crazy and chaotic. Which is not true.
I would, however, tell him that if we have a kid he has to take the baby with him when he disappears . And that the hotel bills come out of his personal 'mad money' account, not our joint account. Or I could take an equal amount of money and go get a massage or something.
But I am an introvert, too, so I can kind of relate to the running away until able to cope thing. I have never done something so extreme, but I can see how a person could get there.
You DO NOT want to enter into something permanent or even semi-permanent with a person who will use "work stress" or any other nebulous "stress" as an excuse to fly off the handle at you. TRUST ME. Tightly wound people who hold in and hold in and hold in and intermittently blow up at whomever happens to be there at the wrong time are not people who can have positive, respectful, and mutual relationships with others.
Does he do this? I didn't get that from the OP. If he does, I agree: dump him.
PS to my above post: I did once leave a woman alone at my house when she refused to stop yelling at me and refused to leave. I do not tolerate abusive behaviour. I came back and half an hour and she was gone. She was a work colleague. I consider this one of my more crazy actions I've taken in life, but I was not going to sit there and listen to her yelling.
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. And that the hotel bills come out of his personal 'mad money' account, not our joint account. Or I could take an equal amount of money and go get a massage or something.
