Can you have sex with someone when you're mad at them? (married, guy)

[kygman]

My ex #1 told me she wanted to make me mad more often then have sex. Said sex was very good all the time but seemed like she was really taking an extra "pounding" when I was mad! lol

[NilaJones]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

It is my belief that we are ALL (me included) slaves to our ego's and feelings at various times.

Working to overcome being ruled by them does produce emotional and spiritual "growth".

This growth in turn allows us to get to more contented and peaceful places (within ourselves and with our partners) much quicker, therefore wasting less time.

For me, the growth has been in the opposite direction.

I started out having sex even if upset, always -- because people so often conflate 'doesn't feel like it' with 'withholding sex', and I did not want to be that guy.

But I learned, over time, that doing so was not good for me, and, by extension, did some damage to the relationship.

[funymann]

Just think of a happy place while doing it. How else will you perform. Lol!

[funymann]

Originally Posted by kygman

My ex #1 told me she wanted to make me mad more often then have sex. Said sex was very good all the time but seemed like she was really taking an extra "pounding" when I was mad! lol

See...I think this was something I was subjected to as well. However, it backfired. I don't play those games.

You are going to deliberately get me mad so we can make up with sex???

That's as bad as me insulting you so I can have the bed to myself!

Hey that's not a bad idea! Hmmm

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

For me, the growth has been in the opposite direction.

I started out having sex even if upset, always -- because people so often conflate 'doesn't feel like it' with 'withholding sex', and I did not want to be that guy.

But I learned, over time, that doing so was not good for me, and, by extension, did some damage to the relationship.

hmmm...doesn't sound like we are talking about quite the same thing, and I can see why what you did caused some damage.

I'm not advocating having sex when you are upset. That would feel like you are betraying yourself I think, right?

I'm saying to take a step out of the upset, hurt or angry feelings you have, rise above them so to speak.

I'm trying to explain it in a way that doesn't insult anyone or give anyone the impression I'm somehow more "enlightened" so bear with me okay?

What I'm talking about is choosing to live a very conscious existence. It is hard. And very few people can do it 24/7.

But when you can rise above a situation - step away from your negative emotions and the problem that caused you to fight in the first place - you aren't saying "they don't matter" or minimizing your value or worth in the relationship - you are simply choosing to act lovingly toward your partner despite those feelings.

When you choose love over ego and have a partner willing to do the same, your relationship can go to a whole other level.

This is why in my first post on this thread I said it's wise to try (sex after an argument).

[NilaJones]

I'm not advocating having sex when you are upset. That would feel like you are betraying yourself I think, right?

I'm saying to take a step out of the upset, hurt or angry feelings you have, rise above them so to speak.

No, I understood this was what you meant. And, yes, at the time it felt all enlightened and stuff. Long term, it was not healthy for me. I am not saying the same is true for you, of course.

This is a theme in my spiritual life/growth in general, that I seem to do some things backwards. Sometimes the bigger picture, transcendent, perspective-y route is not the healthiest one for me. Sometimes being true to what I am feeling in the moment is healthier than focusing on the larger truth.

I have assumed that the real answer is in the middle, or doing sometimes one and sometimes the other, and that people just come at that from either end.

[lastwomanstanding]

Depends how good the sex is. But it's a yes for me.

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by Lucario

This is very important. What many do not understand, and what lovesMountains does, is that a man very much needs a woman to show her that she loves him.

Having sex in order to feed the insecurity complex of your partner is not really a healthy motivator. Again people should be having sex when THEY want to and when THEY feel in the mood for it. The idea that someone should have sex because if they do not their partner might get all insecure is just horrid.

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Unfortunately many people let their ego's get in the way of their own happiness.

But letting your partners ego get in the way of your own happiness is what you are Lucario agree is the best way forward? Seems to be something of a contradiction there. The two of you are suggesting that sex be used as a way to maintain the ego of your partner.

As the Minx says above there are many way to show love than simply giving sex to your partner on demand. There really is no matter how many times you type "Good greif" at people who suggest it.

Originally Posted by Lucario

but no sex ever is a damn good way to show someone that they are not loved.

But who is even talking about no sex ever here? You are drifting miles off topic. The thread is specifically about engaging - or not engaging - in sex during a relatively short period of having negatives feelings.

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I am another person struggling to understand what you are saying, Loves

I am not sure we are stuggling to understand it. I understand it perfectly. I just disagree with it entirely. Do not mistake your disagreement as failure to understand.

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

it can be beneficial to have sex with one another.

It _can_ be - but only if all people involved _want_ to do it. Certainly any suggestion that people in this situation who do not want to do it - should do it anyway - is one we should avoid making - and confront in those that do make it.

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Basically, being willing to have sex with the person you love even when they have ticked you off or hurt your feelings can help facilitate the end of whatever the problem was a lot quicker than doing the slow burn, curl-up-in-a-ball and withdrawing thing our ego's want us to do.

I think it a bad idea though. It is a stop gap solution to something that really should be solved maturely. The way you are using sex as a bargaining chip or conflict resolution chip here you might as well just take drugs. All you are basically suggesting is rather than resolve a situation maturely and intellectually - you instead engage in flooding your body with endorphines to make the problem go away. Even if that involves having sex when you really do not actually want to have sex.

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by monumentus

Having sex in order to feed the insecurity complex of your partner is not really a healthy motivator. Again people should be having sex when THEY want to and when THEY feel in the mood for it. The idea that someone should have sex because if they do not their partner might get all insecure is just horrid.

I do not agree. What about making the other partner feel secure in a relationship is horrid?

But letting your partners ego get in the way of your own happiness is what you are Lucario agree is the best way forward? Seems to be something of a contradiction there. The two of you are suggesting that sex be used as a way to maintain the ego of your partner.

I think that is very simplistic and doesn't get at the nuances of what I've been saying.

But who is even talking about no sex ever here? You are drifting miles off topic. The thread is specifically about engaging - or not engaging - in sex during a relatively short period of having negatives feelings.

I said that the fact that my wife refuses to have sex has been one of the factors that has let me know that (other than the kids) there is no more reason to continue this relationship.

[LostMyself73]

"LOVES" and "LUCARIO" from what you've posted I hear you saying is choose to feel love instead of anger, and once you can put your ego (mind) at rest you'll allow positivity and love to overcome. I agree 100% IMHO most arguments are misunderstandings while cause hurt egos