Wife Wants Our Vacation To Be a Visit to a Relative 15 Hours Away (dating, how to)

[bannedontherun]

I can't believe the truckloads of manure being dumped out in the form of advice on this thread. The OP has ADD and is self centered for not wanting to drive halfway across the country? He already gave into her when she coerced him into visiting his Dad... sounds like it's your turn OP to have your way and do what you want. Next thing you know, if you give into her, you'll be expected to do another long trip, because Uncle Bill or Aunt Martha or a relative's cat passed away. The possibilities are endless. You're not in the wrong here, it's your vacation too and you shouldn't be expected to cater to every whim she can concoct.

[PA2UK]

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

If someone in my family disrespects my wife, I tell them so myself, I stand up for her, I defend her. That is what she should do. It's what any other wife I've ever met in every aspect of my life would do. She needs to be more like them in that regard.

"What she should do...", "She need to be..." - you're a very expectant and demanding man.

I don't agree that she needs to get into the middle of a problem between you and someone else because that's a very difficult place to be, especially when it doesn't actually involve her. I do think a spouse should offer support and comfort by talking about the problem with you and encouraging you to stick up for yourself. But you're an adult and you can stand up for yourself. If she wants to get involved, I wouldn't have a problem with that but it's her choice and you should respect that.

The thing is, some of her own behavior, in the form of a compromise, would make it much easier for me. You may have read my description of how worked-up she gets in the car whether it's me or her driving--miss a turn, even if the next turn gets you there only 20 seconds later than the 1st one would've, and she just blabs & blabs & blabs, complaining as if we're stuck on the airplane for 4 hours or something. She does such the ENTIRE time in the car. If she would listen to my pleas to just please, stop it, calm down, relax, it would help a LOT. That's about 75% of why 15 hours in the car is something I dread--because she is ALWAYS like that, even with much of her driving around here (although it's not as bad being as she's driving in familiar territory), despite my pleas to just relax and quit getting so worked up over everything.

Honestly, it sounds like you have a pretty dysfunctional marriage. She complains constantly, you scream at her and expect her to fight your battles. You both sound equally as bad as each other. Someone has to make the first step towards adult behavior but you just keep coming up with excuses why it shouldn't be you.

Simply enough, she needs to show some respect for that her spouse

You don't seem to have much respect for her either. That's the root of the problem here, neither of you respect each other and neither of you behave like adults. Neither of you are willing to compromise. There is not much more I can say now that I know this... if you aren't willing to be the bigger person and take the first step towards trying to compromise, be more understanding, have more respect for your spouse, etc than you can't expect those things from her either and no further advice can help you.

[Joe the Photog]

Originally Posted by bannedontherun

I can't believe the truckloads of manure being dumped out in the form of advice on this thread. The OP has ADD and is self centered for not wanting to drive halfway across the country?

If I'm not mistaken, only one or two people have said he's got ADD. Self centered, I can see, from his own words. But, then again, aren't we all? Kinda. Maybe? I personally go for the more generic diagnosis on City-Data like being an a-hole or something.

Originally Posted by bannedontherun

He already gave into her when she coerced him into visiting his Dad... sounds like it's your turn OP to have your way and do what you want.

It still bothers me that she had to coerce him into visiting his own father. Of course, I had my own issues with my dad, so I understand family dynamics can get all scewed up. But it shouldn't be about giving in or coercion. It's not about getting your way in a marriage. There's no scorecard or there shouldn't be that says in 2011 wewent to a yard sale 90 miles away in 100 degree heat, therefore I should get my way today.

However, to the OP, you didn't have to go to the yard sale. You're free to stay at home some times with or without your kids. She doesn't make you do anything. You choose to do it even if it's because she b*tches and moans about it until you finally just go along with her. That's as much a you issue as it is a her issue.
[quote=bannedontherun;30196225] Next thing you know, if you give into her, you'll be expected to do another long trip, because Uncle Bill or Aunt Martha or a relative's cat passed away. The possibilities are endless.
Again, he wasn't talking aunts and uncles and family pets, but a grandmother that his wife wanted to see who, from the sound of it, has not met at least one of their kids. (If I read that wrong, I apologize.)

Originally Posted by bannedontherun

You're not in the wrong here, it's your vacation too and you shouldn't be expected to cater to every whim she can concoct.

It's a family vacation, not his alone. It's a marriage and sometimes marriage means your wife picks two vacations in a row.

[Joe the Photog]

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

The trouble is, I hate traveling, a lot anyway, and our money isn't all that great anyway. She needs to accept that it's not in the cards, at least not as often as she wants it to be, & that she's married to someone who doesn't want a lot of hassles in the traveling we DO do. A repeat of the Ozarks would be heavenly. Anything else--no thank you. I realize that's MY opinion, and it's not the only one.

You know what she's thinking, right? She's thinking, 'I love to travel, and our money isn't that bad anyway. He needs to accept that it's not in the cards to stay home, at least not as often as he wants it to be.'


I mean, sheesh, did you guys not talk about this before you got married? It's almost as if you married a smoker and then afterwards, told her how much you hate people who smoke. Or that you're a drinker and she abstains. But as often as you keep saying you HATE to travel -- and you've let us know that a lot -- you keep saying, "But, the Ozarks, I could do that again." It really comes off as more of a "I want my way." type of deal for both of you. And that can't be how a good marriage works.

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

I think every individual in marriage can be selfish if they're not careful. Lately she's been that way--for instance, she likes garage-sale shopping, and insists on doing so for HOURS every Saturday morning, as in from 9 - 1 pm. non-stop even not wanting to give me a few minutes to cook breakfast so we at least leave the house not starving. After awhile, I'm so hungry I could eat the dashboard, but she wants to keep right on. (The kids are hungry by then too I'm sure.) Then, when I want to jump in the lake for FIFTEEN LOUSY MINUTES, she's staring at her watch nagging me to "come on."

You don't have to go with her on every yard sale trek. Stay home if you want to. If you have two cars, you take the kids to the lake or to the park or out to eat and let her go. If she says she wants the whole family to go, tell her you don't want to go. Stand up to her every nowand then on these matters so that when the big stuff comes up, she's not suddenly shocked that you're not going along with it.

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

Once about 3 years ago, she insisted on going to a garage sale that was 90 minutes from home, even though it was summer and our car had no A/C. Our 2 kids, then 1 and 3, had beet-red faces, I developed a migraine headache from the heat and it lasted for about 3 days--but there was no stopping her. I was SCREAMING and I mean SCREAMING about how much my head hurt, and showing her how our kids' faces were red as a beet--and it didn't phase her. (Finally we ate at a cool place indoors and I bet the kids drank a gallon of water each.)

Now are you sure that the kids weren't crying at least in part because you were SCREAMING? I understand the pain and anger at being made to do something you don't want to, except that you weren't actually made to do it. You chose to get in the car with her for that 90 minute drive. But air conditioners are still a relatively new invention and somehow all of our ancestors made it without one, so the kids weren probably going to be fine, albeit uncomfortable.

I'm just trying to look at it from her point of view. Her small children are crying, but her grown husband is SCREAMING at her because his head hurts. Which seems more childish?

[PA2UK]

Originally Posted by Joe the Photog

Now are you sure that the kids weren't crying at least in part because you were SCREAMING? I understand the pain and anger at being made to do something you don't want to, except that you weren't actually made to do it. You chose to get in the car with her for that 90 minute drive. But air conditioners are still a relatively new invention and somehow all of our ancestors made it without one, so the kids weren probably going to be fine, albeit uncomfortable.

I'm just trying to look at it from her point of view. Her small children are crying, but her grown husband is SCREAMING at her because his head hurts. Which seems more childish?

Totally agree. "I can't believe she didn't listen to me and just ignored me when I was SCREAMING at her!" Yeah, I can't imagine why someone would chose not to react to such aggressive and childishly emotional behavior.

Really, larry, you were probably only making your head hurt more by screaming. That's what children do because they are reacting 100% emotionally, without logic or reason. If your head really hurt THAT much, you'd be doing everything you could to not make it worse - such as by screaming. Instead, you tried to verbally abuse and guilt trip/emotionally blackmail her into turning around. You're like a child threatening to hold his breath if he doesn't get his way.

[Joe the Photog]

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

Well the past few posts have really confirmed what I've thought all along--in society, if you are a husband, you are expected to tolerate anything your wife does, no matter how stupid or ridiculous, so long as her precious feelings aren't hurt, that's all that matters.

I hate when people do this. They take what someone has said that they don't agree with and then launch it on to a very absurd level. No one here has said that from what I can see and if anyone did, they are wrong. People sometimes have a skewed view of marriage. Maybe it's just that what I think a marriage should be isn't always what others think a marriage should be. And that's totally fine.

But a marriage isn't about, We did this thing that you wanted to do last, so now it's my turn. I mean, logically, maybe you think it should be like that, but it's not. So sometimes as spouses, we have to give more than we take in some circumstances. That means if you do two straight family visits that she wants to do, then maybe you should do it. Then right after this vacation -- or even before -- you say, "Honey, next time what I'd really like to do is to go somewhere where the four of us can all enjoy some time away."

The Ozarks, perhaps?

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

It matters not if she behaves in ways that make one stress-out when she could choose not to, that she has in the past nagged you to go on a weekend trip even though you had a 102.3'F fever the entire time...

It absolutely does matter and those are obviously issues that need to be addressed. But this whole topic has been about how you don't want to do this and you don't want to do that. It was never about how the two of you can't communicate until we kept telling you to go on the trip.

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

It's "yes dear" and take it up the tailpipe.

That's an issue with you as much as if not more than with her. She's never going to stop it as long as she keeps getting her way.

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

No wonder Melvin Udall in "As Good as It Gets," when asked "how do you write women so well," replied "I think of a man--and I take away reason & accountability." I could not have said it better myself.

I love that movie. But I don't think anyone should be taking life lessons out of it. Besides, that certainly does not describe most women I have met.

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

Does that mean we're not going? No it does not, but it does mean at a minimum that she is at least as responsible for not stressing me out unnecessarily by flipping out over every missed turn...

Get a GPS.

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

There is something to be said for not holding grudges and moving on & such,..

This coming from a guy who keeps mentioning a trip to a yard sale four years ago....

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

If you as a poster are only going to cover the aspect of how she feels and not address how I feel,

You're doing very well telling us exactly how you feel. Over andover again. I don't know how often you tell her how you feel and I really don't know if you listen to her tell you how you feel. It actually sounds lack there is a terrible lack of communication on both sides of your marriage.

But we can't fix that and you came here asking us for advice. We're being you-centric, hearing your side of the story and then being asked to comment on that. So don't be surprised when some of us take her side into consideration. It's a bit controlling to tell us how we should react to your posts and I suspect some of that goes on in your marriage.

It's called a conversation and it flows freely both ways.

And for the record, my advice in tis post is the same as it was in my first reply -- Go see Granny.

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by bannedontherun

I can't believe the truckloads of manure being dumped out in the form of advice on this thread. The OP has ADD and is self centered for not wanting to drive halfway across the country? He already gave into her when she coerced him into visiting his Dad... sounds like it's your turn OP to have your way and do what you want. Next thing you know, if you give into her, you'll be expected to do another long trip, because Uncle Bill or Aunt Martha or a relative's cat passed away. The possibilities are endless. You're not in the wrong here, it's your vacation too and you shouldn't be expected to cater to every whim she can concoct.

You're darn right!

[Checkered24]

On the one hand, you have a right to like the family vacation as much as she does.

On the other, I would not want to dictate to my wife that we would not go see her grandmother, and then have the grandmother pass away before we were able to afford to go there by another means.

Could there be a middle ground? Could your wife afford to visit her grandmother over a weekend by flying out alone, and the two of you doing a joint vacation elsewhere for your time off? Even if it means saving, scrimping, or temporarily giving up something elsewhere to afford it?

Seems to me this requires talking it out and reaching a mutually agreeable compromise where the interests and desires of both parties are satisfied. Otherwise, one or the other will just harbor a resentment.

[shyguylh]

In the end, I think we'll end up going. Similiar to what happened last March in NC, as I think about what I'd be seeing and doing beyond her family, which if history is any indication is likely to not take up even 10% of the trip in totality, there's quite likely to be a lot that I do, and that we all do, that will be fun. Again, this is where I relocated to many years ago, it was actually the very start of me striking out on my own & where I lived for 10 years, and it's the desert and the desert sort of still has my soul in some regards (like Tony Bennett singing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"), so with that & with the free room & board (including an in-ground pool) it may well be a good thing all-around.

I've already started doing many of things I did last time--charging camera batteries, corralling the things I'd pack, downloading full movies to have on the tablet to watch in the car. So I guess mentally I'm going.

I just hope she listens to my pleas to not blab 8013 times a minute about every missed turn & such. If so it will help tremendously.

Yes it's hot, but my kids have played outdoors with it 97'F here, many times. It's even hotter there, but lower humidity. The cars & the house we'll be in both have strong air conditioners. We'll likely be fine.

LRH

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by zentropa

Huh. From birth through college I used to do the round trip from Texas to Virginia twice a year with no ipads, cellphones or even air conditioning much of the time. No interstates. Three kids in the backseat. We survived. Actually, we had a blast. Are your kids fragile or just spoiled?
.

Seriously...I loved loved loved long roadtrips as a kid (still do). Always an adventure. Of course, my dad wasn't SCREAMING at my mom during them, either, so that helped.