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To start things off, I do love my family (siblings). But, since the passing of our last remaining parent last year, they have somehow gotten the idea that we (the Family) need to be closer. So, they have come up with the idea to have a monthly Sunday breakfast get together at each others home once a month. When they asked me what I thought of the idea, at first I thought it was a good one. But then the idea started to take another path when you consider who would be the ones to do the preping, cook and clean "The Wives thats who". Not Good. There are 15 of us that live here locally. So I informed them that I didn't think the idea was any good. We suggested meeting for coffee in a restaurant to keep things simple.
I've tried to be close to my family in the past with no luck, so I just let things be. And I've always been somewhat of the family outcast. I just don't like running with the pack, but I've always been there when they needed me.
So, my problem is that they keep inviting my wife and I to their once a month breakfast. We did attend one, but really didn't have a good time. To many people in a small place, with too much noise. Besides, if they want to talk to me all they need to do is pick-up the phone and call or stop by anytime, but they don't unless they want something. When I've stopped by their homes to say hi, many times I've been greeted with a cold shoulder.
Please, does anyone have any ideas on how I can let them know that we aren't intrested? Apparently our not attending has been discussed with our out-of-state siblings. It was even mentioned in a family mass e-mail. One sister who we never hear from called to ask me why we weren't attending.
As if thanksgiving, christmas, and easter are not enough. Just tell your family that you like to spend Sunday's alone. You love everyone but it's just too much. and then say "I hope you understand." Trust me, they'll get over it and eventually the event will fade away. Especially over the HOlidays. No one is going to have time for all that....
Or, could it be a control issues or guilt?
When our Mother was alive most of them would not go to visit her in the nursing home. But, I on the other hand would visit her on a weekly basis or more. And I think that maybe they are trying to make up for their past indiscretions.
They are your brothers and sisters..Tell them that you just don't want the obligation to meet once a month..Tell them that it sounds like a business meeting..Let them know that they are welcome to stop in for a visit anytime they want and that you have a phone..You should do the same for them..My brothers and sisters are about f hours away from me..We stay in touch via email and visit when we can..
Your family wants to spend time with you one day a month...and this is a bad thing?!? Having relationships with people (including family) requires effort and energy. If you aren't willing to give of yourself, no one will want to have a relationship with you. Sorry but I just can't sympathize with you. I know too many people who are lonely and wish to heaven they had any family who cared about them, and wanted to spend time with them.
15 people is sort of a large gathering for me. Maybe you could get away with only seeing all of them during the holidays and then go for more individual get togethers during the rest of the year. I have to admit that I would be avoiding these monthly gatherings also. With just a few of them, you can get some quality time in.
When we go down to FL to see my boyfriend's family, it's much nicer enjoying the company of one or two of them at a time over a meal.
Hmmm, sounds like you have some issues. Sorry and don't mean to offend you, but you should be glad to have a loving family that has such a closeness. The family bond and family values are thrown out the window because we are too busy with our minute lives consisting of "what"? What could be possibly more important than "family" 15 people too many.........coffee in a restaurant? IMO this tone seems rather "informal" and cold if you ask me, almost "snobbish" When your Mother was living did all the family get together for dinners or meals at her home? If so, then they could be trying to get back on track with the family tradition. Yes they may have strayed because other things seemed to be more important however, they may now come to realize that nothing is more important than the love and closeness of a family
Quote:
Originally Posted by christina0001
Your family wants to spend time with you one day a month...and this is a bad thing?!? Having relationships with people (including family) requires effort and energy. If you aren't willing to give of yourself, no one will want to have a relationship with you. Sorry but I just can't sympathize with you. I know too many people who are lonely and wish to heaven they had any family who cared about them, and wanted to spend time with them.
I have read this with interest since not all family relationships are created equal. A loud noisy gathering for someone who doesn't feel welcome is not the warm fuzzy we imagine when thinking of family time. In my recent past I attended gatherings that I knew beforehand were NOT going to be a good time. Guilt, a sense of preserving the family etc were the drivers in my attendance. The problem with loud noisy gatherings is that frequently the people we want to spend time with can't be heard because of the chatter from so many in a small space. The idea of someone using out of state relatives to coerce attendance is distasteful. Family relationships are like other relationships in life-each person needs to do what is appropriate for themselves. Remember, your dog is the only relative you get to choose.
Your family wants to spend time with you one day a month...and this is a bad thing?!? Having relationships with people (including family) requires effort and energy. If you aren't willing to give of yourself, no one will want to have a relationship with you. Sorry but I just can't sympathize with you. I know too many people who are lonely and wish to heaven they had any family who cared about them, and wanted to spend time with them.
It seems to me that SeabeeBolt does better with intimate settings rather than a large group of relatives. And not everyone wants or needs the closeness of the Walton family. The larger monthly gatherings sound shallow to me. And just because they all get together doesn't mean that any of them are actually emotionally close to them. And it sounds like SeabeeBolt was of only few who cared to take the time to visit their late mother when she was in the nursing home. Clearly SeabeeBolt is there for his family when it really matters.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeabeeBolt
Or, could it be a control issues or guilt? When our Mother was alive most of them would not go to visit her in the nursing home. But, I on the other hand would visit her on a weekly basis or more. And I think that maybe they are trying to make up for their past indiscretions.
I think that a good compromise for SeabeeBolt is to see them all around Christmas, then start a tradition of a large family BBQ gathering mid-summer. He can offer to host the first one. If their place is too small, then find a park to have the party at. Twice a year is more than fine for a gathering of 15 relatives. The rest of the relatives can then see each other when they feel like it. And there is email to easily share the pictures and notes of the events with each other.
And a special thanks to MIU for your very possitive reply.
I've never been one to be a part of large groups, family or not. And when it comes to my family, the total number ranges around 49, locally and out of state. Even when we did have family get togethers, I usually stayed off to the side. My family is the kind of family that Dr. Phil would probibly shoot himself over. Heck, even Jerry Springer would throw them off the stage. So, I just prefer to keep my distance and sit back and watch. I rather try to stay out of all the problems that seem to go on between them.
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My brothers and sisters are about f hours away from me..We stay in touch via email and visit when we can..
15 people too many.........coffee in a restaurant? IMO this tone seems rather "informal" and cold if you ask me, almost "snobbish"
When your Mother was living did all the family get together for dinners or meals at her home? If so, then they could be trying to get back on track with the family tradition. Yes they may have strayed because other things seemed to be more important however, they may now come to realize that nothing is more important than the love and closeness of a family
