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Looking for some feedback & advice-- sorry if this seems a bit long, haven't posted for a while and tried to describe my situation as accurately/thoroughly as possible here:
I'm a single female in my 50s and two years ago when I placed an ad online looking for more tennis players, a man around my age responded. He and I started playing tennis once or twice a week & have been doing that on a regular basis since then, for about two years now (we each also play tennis against other people.) At first it was just tennis, but I always enjoyed his company & then about a year ago, we started talking & emailing more often (he lives about 30 minutes from me)-- lively discussions about politics, sports, travel, etc. (we're both living in the South as transplanted Northerners so we have some things in common) Plus we started spending more time together doing other things besides tennis: going out to eat, exploring the area, going to sports events, etc.
He told me he was transferred to this area by his job shortly before we met, had lived in the Northeast beforehand, been divorced for a while and involved on & off since then but nothing too serious. It was never clear to me exactly what his situation was, but that didn't matter as long as we were just playing tennis. Around the same time that we began doing other things together, he also started giving me compliments on my appearance (I'd been increasing my workouts & getting in even better shape, growing my hair grow longer, etc.) so it seemed like maybe he was interested in something more happening. I started feeling attracted to him where previously, had seen him mainly as a tennis partner & maybe a friend. (Also, while he's a nice-looking guy, young-looking for his age like me & very down-to-earth, not superficial, not a "player", when we first met, he didn't really seem like my physical "type".) We're both kind of shy & maybe both of us felt awkward at that stage because we'd just been "friends" for a year, never really "flirting" with each other. (Plus, not sure about him, but it had been a while for me since dating or being involved with anyone, so I was out of practice!)
Well, just over a year ago, after we had a nice meal in the downtown area & were sitting together outdoors after taking a long walk, I impulsively leaned up against him & told him how much I enjoyed his company & that I was going to miss him while he was away (he travels for his job every few weeks.) Hey, men often say they wish women would make the first move more often, but for me, it was very unnerving to do that, especially since I got rejected right afterwards! (though he did let me down very gently.) What happened was he didn't react physically back at all, instead, he just said that since his job might transfer him out of the area soon (something that occurred every few years), he hadn't been seeking a relationship for a while due to this. (At least that's my vague memory of what he said-- I was still in shock after making the first move & being rejected!)
Well, that happened over a year ago, it was awkward for both of us, but somehow we got "past it" and went back to playing tennis, emailing/talking & doing other things together and it has continued that way up till now. (He's still living in the area, he hasn't been transferred by his job... hmmm? ) And I've told myself that he has a right to be interested in being friends only, nothing more, for whatever reason-- I'm not his type? he has his own issues? he's really interested in someone else? involved w/ someone else? (but if that was true, how is he able to spend so much time with me during evenings and weekends?) But sometimes I wonder whether we should have just stopped spending time together right after the "incident" a year ago, that maybe our friendship/relationship was "tarnished" by it. Since last year I haven't had any success with meeting someone new for dating, etc. & I still feel attracted to him, though I try to "suppress" it (and the attraction varies in intensity from day to day, isn't always the same.)
For my birthday a few weeks ago he took me to a baseball game, and last evening treated me to dinner when we were rained out for tennis. (We always either pay our own way or take turns paying for things.) We still have lively conversations, joke around together & enjoy laughing at similar things. But there's no flirting going on & he only occasionally gives me the type of compliments he was dishing out last year (though we're both supportive of each other, encourage each other about things in our life.) Guess I've been put in the dreaded "Friend-Zone" and hey, I've had male platonic friends before so I can appreciate that type of friendship. But previously, those platonic friendships had no messy attraction in the way. A female friend/tennis partner recently advised me to just enjoy his friendship for what it is, without hoping for anything more, but lately I've been feeling frustrated spending time with him, it reminds me how I was "rejected" over a year ago. Also maybe having him in my life prevents me from making a real effort to meet someone new for a romantic relationship? So now I'm wondering whether I should stop seeing him/talking to him completely and end the friendship? (If so, how to handle this-- just "fade away"? or tell him a reason?) Any feedback or advice would be appreciated and thanks for letting me vent!
Sorry to say, based on the evidence you provided, he wants to be your friend and not your lover. He sounds like a good friend. Count yourself fortunate in that regard.
Also maybe having him in my life prevents me from making a real effort to meet someone new for a romantic relationship?
I think you've answered your own question.
However, I don't think you need to cut him off at the knees and not have any contact with him at all. Instead, just play tennis with him, and go home right afterwards. Then you'll have more time to dedicate to getting out there and finding someone you can date.
Similar to what Lilac said, you should consider establishing some boundaries based upon your desire to find a relationship with someone who wants the same. Perhaps a discussion with your tennis friend would help lay the groundwork--openly and honestly state what you want and ask him (one last time) if he is interested. If the answer is anything but yes, let him know that you need to create space in your life to find someone who wants what you want. Let him know that you value his friendship and would not want to cause issues there, but that you also want someone to be a part of your life (romantically speaking).
I think you should do the initiating with some more men. If this is something you have rarely or never done before him, then it's no wonder you are still bothered by it. But once it becomes a more normal part of life for you, or at least something that has not only happened with him, you will be able to relax and enjoy the friendship.
I think you should do the initiating with some more men. If this is something you have rarely or never done before him, then it's no wonder you are still bothered by it. But once it becomes a more normal part of life for you, or at least something that has not only happened with him, you will be able to relax and enjoy the friendship.
Nila, thanks for your response. Actually, it's been a long time, but the funny thing is that many years ago (oops-- decades ago!), I used to be the one to make moves on quite a few guys... and was often very successful! But that was when I was younger & the stakes were much lower. Many times I was just looking for some short-term fun, maybe just for that weekend! So I wouldn't necessarily feel that serious about the guy, and certainly didn't already have a year-long history with him or a strong built-up friendship that I risked losing or damaging. Therefore, I didn't lose that much if my "move" failed... Hey, I'd just go on to the next "prospect"!
This was definitely another era, the late 70s/early 80s ... my Adventurous & Wild Risk-Taking Years when I was much younger... (and maybe much more foolish?!)
I can look back fondly on those years-- but I'm no longer looking to behave that way, especially at this stage in my life, it's like "been there/done that". Instead, for a while now, I've been looking for something much more serious, something definitely long-term...
Guess it hurt much more at this point to be "rejected" by someone I already had an established friendship/connection with for over a year. The decision I need to make now is whether to continue spending time platonically with this male "friend".... OR maybe it hurts too much being with him since it continues to remind me that he "rejected" me (pushed me away gently) when I expressed an interest for something more... So I appreciate the input I've received here and am considering what my options are...
He and I played tennis yesterday morning but didn't do anything else (and we only played for an hour before it started to rain AGAIN!) Haven't mentioned this before: his tennis has improved a lot since two years ago when we started playing & I used to win 2/3 of the time against him. (before we started, he hadn't played tennis for about 10 years prior.) In fact, his level of tennis play has gotten so much higher than mine during the past two years that for a while now, I've been worried I don't give him enough of a challenge on the court. (though he always claims he enjoys playing against me & that he gets a good workout.) Have thought about discontinuing doing tennis with him for this reason, don't want him to get bored w/ me or lower the level of his play too much-- in the past, sometimes I've lowered my level of tennis against weaker players & it would hurt my game when I played better players...
Last summer I had a rib injury which kept me from playing tennis at all for almost 8 weeks and during that time, he and I just spent time together doing other things (I could still exercise by going walking, swimming, etc.) And during that time, with all the other exercise I was doing (and eating much healthier), I actually lost 10 pounds! Unfortunately, I gained it all back during the past winter season and haven't lost those pounds again since then, despite trying to for months. Well, I really need to re-intensify my efforts, so for the next month or so, from now till August, I am going to lose that 10 pounds!! In terms of tennis, losing that weight would improve my quickness & endurance on the court-- I'm a "counter-puncher" who has to run down every ball, don't have lots of power or reach, I'm only 5'2"! So I'm going to tell him that for now, he and I should stop playing tennis together while he plays against other better players (he joined a tennis league to play other male players & sometimes goes to mixed doubles groups) and I find a way to improve my game. (I'll do other forms of exercise & continue playing tennis against some other players.) So from now till next month (August) I won't spend much time with him while I work on this plan.
After that, by August, if I do lose that 10 pounds (or more!), will consider playing tennis with him again & see if I can offer him more of a challenge. Whether or not my tennis is better, after I've lost that 10 pounds, I might try telling him once again that I'm interested in something more happening between us. Hey, I know he might turn me down a second time & that's his right. (At least I'll know I gave it a try!) And if he turns me down, I'll have to decide whether to continue even playing tennis with him or doing other things with him-- maybe at that point, would be better not to spend any time together while I put my efforts elsewhere. But at least I've got a plan now... thanks again to those on this forum who offered their feedback/advice!
He and I played tennis yesterday morning but didn't do anything else (and we only played for an hour before it started to rain AGAIN!) Haven't mentioned this before: his tennis has improved a lot since two years ago when we started playing & I used to win 2/3 of the time against him. (before we started, he hadn't played tennis for about 10 years prior.) In fact, his level of tennis play has gotten so much higher than mine during the past two years that for a while now, I've been worried I don't give him enough of a challenge on the court. (though he always claims he enjoys playing against me & that he gets a good workout.) Have thought about discontinuing doing tennis with him for this reason, don't want him to get bored w/ me or lower the level of his play too much-- in the past, sometimes I've lowered my level of tennis against weaker players & it would hurt my game when I played better players...
Last summer I had a rib injury which kept me from playing tennis at all for almost 8 weeks and during that time, he and I just spent time together doing other things (I could still exercise by going walking, swimming, etc.) And during that time, with all the other exercise I was doing (and eating much healthier), I actually lost 10 pounds! Unfortunately, I gained it all back during the past winter season and haven't lost those pounds again since then, despite trying to for months. Well, I really need to re-intensify my efforts, so for the next month or so, from now till August, I am going to lose that 10 pounds!! In terms of tennis, losing that weight would improve my quickness & endurance on the court-- I'm a "counter-puncher" who has to run down every ball, don't have lots of power or reach, I'm only 5'2"! So I'm going to tell him that for now, he and I should stop playing tennis together while he plays against other better players (he joined a tennis league to play other male players & sometimes goes to mixed doubles groups) and I find a way to improve my game. (I'll do other forms of exercise & continue playing tennis against some other players.) So from now till next month (August) I won't spend much time with him while I work on this plan.
After that, by August, if I do lose that 10 pounds (or more!), will consider playing tennis with him again & see if I can offer him more of a challenge. Whether or not my tennis is better, after I've lost that 10 pounds, I might try telling him once again that I'm interested in something more happening between us. Hey, I know he might turn me down a second time & that's his right. (At least I'll know I gave it a try!) And if he turns me down, I'll have to decide whether to continue even playing tennis with him or doing other things with him-- maybe at that point, would be better not to spend any time together while I put my efforts elsewhere. But at least I've got a plan now... thanks again to those on this forum who offered their feedback/advice!
It sounds like you have a genuine friend in this guy.
I'm not sure why the rejection has to impact you so much.
You had experience approaching guys in younger years...
I think it's really cool you found a good friend, but it is obvious you want more.
IME, when someone wants more than friendship, and the other one already communicated "no", then pressing for something more again makes things 'weird'.
He knows you were interested at one point, and if he was ever interested in pursueing more with you, I'm sure he would make a move.
If a friend told me this story, I would tell her to just be friends with the guy.
I know of a situation with a friend in a somewhat scenerio IRL. The woman expressed interest in the guy, and he rejected her. Over the years, she kept pressing for a date. For years. Finally, he had to just stop answering her calls because she wouldn't take no for an answer. He finally got frustrated enough and stopped dealing with her all together.
IMO it would be silly to lose a friend this way. But maybe it is worth the risk to you.
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) And I've told myself that he has a right to be interested in being friends only, nothing more, for whatever reason-- I'm not his type? he has his own issues? he's really interested in someone else? involved w/ someone else? (but if that was true, how is he able to spend so much time with me during evenings and weekends?) But sometimes I wonder whether we should have just stopped spending time together right after the "incident" a year ago, that maybe our friendship/relationship was "tarnished" by it. Since last year I haven't had any success with meeting someone new for dating, etc. & I still feel attracted to him, though I try to "suppress" it (and the attraction varies in intensity from day to day, isn't always the same.) 
But that was when I was younger & the stakes were much lower. Many times I was just looking for some short-term fun, maybe just for that weekend!
So I wouldn't necessarily feel that serious about the guy, and certainly didn't already have a year-long history with him or a strong built-up friendship that I risked losing or damaging. Therefore, I didn't lose that much if my "move" failed... Hey, I'd just go on to the next "prospect"!
... my Adventurous & Wild Risk-Taking Years when I was much younger... (and maybe much more foolish?!
)
An Update & a Decision:
