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I'll try to keep this short.
Essentially, I met my best friend on a game about 7 years ago, I was 11 and he was 14. He lives in England. We kept in constant contact and after a couple of years admitted that we had fallen for each other, but due to many factors we simply couldn't maintain a relationship, lack of maturity and a way to see each other being two of them. After fighting my feelings for him and trying to move on, last year I caved in and we have been dating since. Next month will be our anniversary. I just turned 18 and am job hunting like crazy so I can go to England.
He was originally going to move here simply because my family wanted to meet him first. HOWEVER that is just not convenient for us for many reasons.
1) I have always wanted to move there anyway, even before I met him, and I still want to for many reasons.
2) His grandmother is reaching her end and she is an important person in his life; I want to meet her before that happens.
3) The only reason he would be coming here would be to please my family. This would cost us another $1400 away from what we want (me coming there so we can finally give our chemistry the chance it deserves)
4) England has a point based system for housing, basically the longer you've been in it the more points you have and the higher priority you are given when buying housing, he has been in this system since he was sixteen and could get his own place easily right now if he chose (he's been staying with his mom and sister to help support her while she's in college, while saving for us) and if he leaves the country for an extended period, all that will go down the drain and when I do come there, we'll have to start over!
These are the biggest points I can think of, other than the fact that I simply want to go there.
My family is constantly trying to discourage me, saying he's not a man for coming to me first, and why don't I get with someone nearby (because I can apparently just stop loving someone and hook up with a random person)
I have been in immature relationships and though I know I'm young, I have known deep down this is what I want for seven years now..he makes me so happy even now, I just want to be able to do what I want without feeling guilted or belittled. We can't maintain a healthy sex life because people are constantly interrupting us. Every time we try to have a conversation or play games together and relax in the small window of time that our time difference, work and school schedules don't interfere, we are interrupted hourly throughout the day. It's such a mood killer. How can I stop this?!
Any advice on how to handle the negativity? I guess I'm just looking for an outside perspective on the situation from someone who isn't biased (like everyone in my family, because I'm their baby girl and what not.) Thanks in advance if you managed to read this far!
Have you actually spent time with this person? How do you know if you are in love? Why do you need to "give the chemistry the chance it deserves"? That should have already been established long ago IF you have been or are in a real relationship with this person and NOT just over the internet.
There is no reason he cannot get a temporary Visa as a tourist to visit for a brief time. You cannot logically justify any feelings you "may" have for someone you met in the midst of an online game. You have no idea if anything he has ever told you is the truth. You do not know about any of his habits, living arrangements, employment, current girlfriends/boyfriends, drug abuse, alcoholism, violence, etc. etc. (the list goes one).
You need to cool your 18 year old, inexperienced jets and settle into a job in the United States until you have matured and saved plenty of your own money. Then get a temporary Visa for yourself and spend a few weeks there so you can see exactly what you are getting into and NOT loving the "idea" of living in England. Then if/when things don't work out with him because nothing is as he said it is you will not be stranded in a foreign Country with no way home.
To young to go running off some where....anyone who leaves home that early to become independent ALWAYS runs into unforeseen problems..You need experience before you make these life altering decisions....There is no rush....and besides...you are not in love...Your just dreaming.
everything is sooooooo impressionable when you are in your teens...
somehow, i respect your determination,,,,you have waited til you are 18 to walk your own path..
you will rarely find an adult (over 30) that will support you,,not because they dont want to see your happiness,,they just think what could go wrong..
if i were your parents,,,id be going nuts,,,,having my daughter move to a strange country with a guy they dont know.
remember, parents are protectors, and they feel ...diminished because a thousand things can go wrong and they arent nearby to help....they mean well..
people change as they get older....i think that if you were to throw caution to the wind,,move over there,,,for 6 months you will be "happy" after that,,,anything can happen, which will devastate you.. your whole world is this guy, and if this guy turns out to be not exactly what you think he is,, the fall is going to hurt,,
also keep in mind,,his family,,,you will be a foolish american school girl.. and they will be very condescending to you-which will irritate you deeply in 6 months
on one hand ,,,the dreams and rainbows of someone young,,,,we all miss that..
but the harsh reality is,,,,most of us,,,with great dreams, intentions, striving for love, happiness, have been crushed,
we've been thru the relationship/life hell, and it hurts,,,,so when we see someone young...follow an unknown rainbow,,, we will scream at you DONT BE FOOLISH...learn from our mistakes,,so you dont make them,,
and the "it's different" isnt true,,, it was different for all of us..
why dont you go to college first here,,,,if you both feel the same,,,you both will wait,,til after your college,,, if its true love,,love will wait for each other,,
with a college degree and added maturity,,,you both will be making better decisions,,,if you think you will be together the next 60 years,,,whats another 4 yrs,, to do it right??
Finally someone who doesn't treat me like an imbecile..thank you.
I think it's worth mentioning this isn't a scatter brained decision I made last year, I decided to travel to England years ago anyway. I don't plan on going until I'm fully financially independent, and I am prepared for the worst..However, if there is anything I've learned about a long distance relationship, it's that you have to trust each other. You can't be negative and pessimistic, you can't keep thinking "what if this, what if that." And that is one thing I enjoy about being young - I don't have the experience to make me hold back from my "dream". My question wasn't really whether or not to go - I plan to do that anyway, and as soon as I can. I mostly want to know how to deal with people bashing my decision, because it's obvious that's going to keep happening.
Also I don't hate my family or anything because I totally understand how they would be worried and protective and stuff, I just want to be able to further our relationship without being held back.
He's now 21? Does he have a college degree, or is he completing one? What are his career plans? What are your plans for college? Best to get an education first, before making any radical life changes. Maybe you could get on a study abroad program for a semester, somewhere near his area.
He can come on a tourist visa for a vacation without sacrificing any "points" for home purchase. He should do that to meet your parents and to give you a chance to get to know him. It sounds like he can afford a visit. If he says he can't, or says it would be better to save the money for "us", he's making excuses, and that would be a red flag. It sounds like he's the one holding back your relationship by not coming for a visit.
England has horrible weather. What part of the country does he live in?
btw, you don't have a relationship. You have a correspondence with someone in another country. (And what sounds like a virtual "sex life" via Skype.) That's not a relationship. And it doesn't sound like you have any plans for the future, either, other than to go stay with him. Have you applied to any colleges? What are your academic plans, if any? There's very high unemployment in England now, you know. Is he employed? Has he ever been employed?
How would you get a job over there, without citizenship and without a work visa? What kind of a visa would you go there on? Were you planning to go on a tourist visa, then stay illegally? Or were you planning to get married, and then apply for a change in visa status? Have you laid all your cards on the table here with us (and your parents), or are you holding something back?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-06-2013 at 12:40 AM..
He studied in college and got a degree in psychology, then realised it wasn't for him and is working as a youtuber. He's a video game commentator, which a lot of people will say isn't a legitimate career path, but he's visibly growing with it and I sometimes record games with him on his channel. I'm proud of him for how far he's come with it.
Since I goofed off my first two years of high school getting into a University to study abroad won't be an option, if it was I would've gladly done that. As I said in my original post, I know he could come here but my family wouldn't let him stay with us and getting a hotel is out of the question..neither of us have the money to waste on a short visit.
He lives in Sheffield, which is a couple hours away from Manchester. And no we have not met in person (other than skype daily) but I interact with his mom and sister as well as himself. Obviously arranging to meet someone over an ocean is very costly, so it should be clear as to why we haven't met yet.
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