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Moving is a huge part in that resolution in case you hadn't noticed, I can't improve myself when my surroundings don't encourage it, but thats just me, your mileage will vary as im sure it does with you RuthlessRuthy.
And thats officially your new name
Well....sometimes it pays to poke and prod. We got to the bottom of your Jekyl and Hyde thing, at least. I hope your move works out, AT. But if you've found a good therapist, I'd stick with that awhile longer. A good one's hard to come by.
When I go out somewhere, I rarely see men randomly approaching women. When I do see approaches, I see terrible rejections about 95% of the time, yet you still see couples left and right. I think I've seen very very very few men approach and be successful in my lifetime
So how do most men date? Do they all rely on meeting women through their social circle/work? What about the men who can't seem to find anybody in their social circle, what do they do?
If you read through some of the past posts on a few of the forums most men "Don't Date".
You need to get a feel for being at the right place at the right time. I have noticed that my perpetually single friends are unable to distinguish between situations where they have no chance at all and when women are throwing themselves at them. The latter situation may only happen rarely, so you need to jump on it when you can.
The other key is to do new things. If you get into a routine and that routine does not result in meeting women, doing the same thing over and over again will lead to the same results. A big key is getting out of the house and into public places. I used to meet women all the time walking my dogs, and even when I was married and wearing a ring I would have women at the park chat me up and occasionally ask me out. I am not a great looking guy or anything, I am just friendly and able to hold a conversation. I don't see why anyone couldn't meet people this way.
When I go out somewhere, I rarely see men randomly approaching women. When I do see approaches, I see terrible rejections about 95% of the time, yet you still see couples left and right. I think I've seen very very very few men approach and be successful in my lifetime
So how do most men date? Do they all rely on meeting women through their social circle/work? What about the men who can't seem to find anybody in their social circle, what do they do?
Um...are you serious? People meet other people all the freaking time. Through friends, at parties, at school, at the gym, on vacation, at work. Good Lord. Most "approaches" in bars don't really work anyway, other than those all-too-frequent one-night-stands, so naturally you don't see them pairing up before your eyes. What a question.
When I go out somewhere, I rarely see men randomly approaching women. When I do see approaches, I see terrible rejections about 95% of the time, yet you still see couples left and right. I think I've seen very very very few men approach and be successful in my lifetime
So how do most men date? Do they all rely on meeting women through their social circle/work? What about the men who can't seem to find anybody in their social circle, what do they do?
You need to get a feel for being at the right place at the right time. I have noticed that my perpetually single friends are unable to distinguish between situations where they have no chance at all and when women are throwing themselves at them. The latter situation may only happen rarely, so you need to jump on it when you can.
The other key is to do new things. If you get into a routine and that routine does not result in meeting women, doing the same thing over and over again will lead to the same results. A big key is getting out of the house and into public places. I used to meet women all the time walking my dogs, and even when I was married and wearing a ring I would have women at the park chat me up and occasionally ask me out. I am not a great looking guy or anything, I am just friendly and able to hold a conversation. I don't see why anyone couldn't meet people this way.
True on both counts!
Merely being "out there" is necessary, but not sufficient. Last year I was active in my town's meetup.com hiking group, after being prompted by a coworker to join. Well, lots of hiking, but all of the participants are either married or otherwise not suitable (one lady definitely interested me, but some research showed that she recently became a born-again Christian; oh well). After a few months, I gracefully exited from the group.
Another example is Freethought Dayton, our local atheist/agnostic group. Good crowd, but again, everyone is married or engaged; and the male-female ratio is exactly what one expects.
One issue with hobbies and social circles is that guys tend to congregate with guys. A young man (or not so young man) won't meet women at chess tournaments or weight lifting competitions. Presumably women have the analogous problem, though I've yet to figure out what sorts of hobbies are "female-oriented".
Friendliness, as Chemistry_guy points out, is essential; but it too falls into category of "necessary but not sufficient". An unfriendly person won't make headway in a setting of casual interaction. But no amount of conversational warmth is prescription for enticing a woman to walk up to man to initiate the interaction! Perhaps the unspoken ingredient here is body-language, the sort of poise and expression that other people interpret as invitation to approach. If you look mean and strictly-business, you won't be approached, even if you're the most effusively warm conversationalist.
Aaaaaand that once again proves my point that women instantly expect men to know what women are thinking at all times. Well we can't, so we have to go by your body language and what speech you give us. How the hell are we honestly supposed to know if thats their "Defensive, leave me alone face" or her all around, all the time "Life sucks, but men suck worse" face?
Watch women when they are with friends or doing local activies relaxed. Check their humor, responses, mannerisms,stature,etc.
Most guys I know date using a combination of the following:
Online dating
Going to bars and meeting random people
Through friends they make by being a regular at a bar
Through friends they have
The reality is, if you struggle to date, you will most likely always will. Some guys don't even try, and they can date all they want. Then there are guys that struggle to date. Those guys have many many less partners and when they find a s/o willing to commit long term, they pretty much do whatever it takes to keep them. Marriage, kids, whatever.
If you polled all the couples at restaurants, I think many of them would say they met through friends, or at a bar/online.
Networking is so important, and if you can find a 'click', and the group remains together for years, you most likely will have dating options for a long time because of the click.
What's that you say? No click?
Then get ready for rejection and get cold approaching and online. It's a bumpy ride, but if you want to find someone, you have to do it.
I don't know a guy that met a woman by joining a club or activity. People say it is a great way to meet someone, but once you hit late 20's, it seems like it is bar/networking/cold approach, or bust.
I couldn't agree more with OP. I would say cold approach work for 3% man. Another maybe 25% can approach without it been awkward. Not only awkward at moment of approach but awkward after for a while ( It is a big problem with CA it can be no only awkward at moment then for months to come ). I'm "lucky" to be in that 25%. At last when I go out I can look for women to approach for fun. If it would look awkward at moment or after I would not really see reason to go out in evening at all. Just would sit at home drink beer, as so many do.
What I notice if you really like how women look approach go smoother. If you think women is 10/10 approach go OK even you are denied. At last no awkward situation at moment or for months after. If you go for 6/10 in yours book crocked situations happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006
I don't know a guy that met a woman by joining a club or activity. People say it is a great way to meet someone, but once you hit late 20's, it seems like it is bar/networking/cold approach, or bust.
I agree here. Impossible to me to approach at gym. Same for stores, or would have to follow women around store like psycho.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ImmortalRites
You never really know. I got rejected 3 or 4 times in a month period this year while talking to girls who seemed to really like me (we had everything in common, we shared a lot of laughs, they were similar to me in appearance, etc...)
Big true right there. You never not for sure till you ask her out.
Last edited by tipitop; 07-08-2013 at 08:58 AM..
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We got to the bottom of your Jekyl and Hyde thing, at least. I hope your move works out, AT. But if you've found a good therapist, I'd stick with that awhile longer. A good one's hard to come by. 
People meet other people all the freaking time. Through friends, at parties, at school, at the gym, on vacation, at work. Good Lord. Most "approaches" in bars don't really work anyway, other than those all-too-frequent one-night-stands, so naturally you don't see them pairing up before your eyes. What a question.
