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I do think it's headgames if someone just expects you to know what they need and get pissed off at you for not figuring it out.
That's true, but I also don't think it's expecting your SO to be a mindreader to offer a bit sympathy or a footrub or whatever if you're sick or in distress without you having to ask for it.
We argued a bit, she said I wasn't acting concerned and it upset her, I said it upset me that she expected me to "just know" what she needed - without telling me. Then we kind of just stared at each other.
I know she liked back rubs, she showed me how she liked them. Last night she still had the migraine a bit, so I offered a back rub and she agreed. Showing me what you want, then letting me do it - I could do.
She was also withholding sex for like the past week, which was annoying. I didn't push, didn't get upset or say anything about it, I just figured she wasn't in the mood and simply cuddled or gave a back rub.
Super annoyed right now.
I think you need to chalk this one up as "not-compatitble".
It sounds like you did some things for her, but it wasnt enough. Some people are like that.
The only other think I would consider is to question, How compassionate are you OP ?
And sometimes, people can do nice things, but with nothing behind it. Almost like the nice action being done is solely so one can say, "I did a nice thing," or "so-and-so cant say I never did anything."
Then that person tells their friends and family all the 'great things' they do for the s/o.
I'm not saying you are like this, but maybe.
Also, if you failed to let her into the other parts of your life, like family and friends, one can be accused of being emotionally detached. But some of that depends on length of relationship.
You mentioned the gf was unemployed, migraines, and other stuff. She sounds really stressed, and possibly now is not a good time for her to date.
Ut really could be a number of things, but I would say that regardless, you two are not compatible. I would let her go, and let her find her way and what happiness she can find on her own.
It seems like you express your love by doing things for people--which is great. Unless the person you are dating see love expressed differently.
There is this whole philosophy of "languages of love." I really don't know if it's true or not, but it might help you in your next relationship OP. you can't change the way others think and I am not saying you should change yourself either, but being aware of things can help.
Anyway, here is a basic rundown of the languages of love:
Quote:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1995 book by Gary Chapman.[1] It outlines five ways to express love that Chapman calls "love languages": gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.[2] After reading the book, Mindy Meier suggested food as a sixth love language.[3] Chapman's book claims that the list of five love languages is exhaustive.[4] Chapman argues that, emotionally, people need to receive love.[5] He also writes that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive.
Basically, the idea is maybe someone like you expresses love though acts of service (like taking someone out to dinner). But the person you are dating really "speaks" physical touch and wants to be held when the chips are down.
I read the book and I will give you a quick cheat. Watch the other person and what they do for you. If you notice you date women who like "tell" you how much they love you... then they probably express love though words and will want the same from you. If a woman likes to touch you, gives you a massage when you said you've had a rough day, then that might be her language and is looking for that from you.
Like I said, I sometimes wonder about this pop psychology stuff. I think you should still be you and do the things you like, but it probably won't hurt to mirror your lover's way of expressing love.
I know the Aspberger's probably make's this difficult for you. I'd say your best solution is to train yourself to recognize adverse events that cause distress - like job loss and health issues. When your partner suffers these things, you can say (something like): "I know this is not a good time for you, and I'm not the most astute person in these situations. How can I help? What do you need from me right now? I want to be there for you."
I think most people are gratified just to see that their partner is expressing concern and support. It should be something other than buying a large pizza though.
However, she doesn't sound like she was all that invested in the relationship, so I don't think her departure should be viewed as a big loss.
I don't feel sadness or happiness simply because someone else does.
Lack of empathy in an SO is something that's a dealbeaker for a lot of people.
You have Asperger's Syndrome, correct (or am I thinking of a different poster)? This may be a real hurdle for you. Working with teens with Asperger's, I've found it to be pretty common that deficits in the empathy piece of pragmatic language/social skills can be SUCH a stumbling block in interpersonal relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Really, though, as with so many other things with ASDs, if a given behavior does not come naturally to you, it's sometimes worth it to just learn the socially appropriate response by rote, and really work to find a way to respond in a way that's meaningful to the other person in such situations, so it doesn't cost you relationships. Coping strategy and replacement behavior, if you will, for what it's worth.
Just like you can't help how you naturally are, others can't help what naturally makes them happy, and for many people, it's the emotional bond and intimacy that comes with another person feeling true empathy for you and caring that you are empathetic with them.
It sounds like she does not understand what asperger's is. Next time you have a gf, maybe ask her to do some reading on the subject.
When I read the OP's posts here, I immediately wondered if he had Asperger's not knowing from other threads. My son has it and we are learning to deal with it. I searched for the right word. Cope with? Live with? Nothing really seemed to mean what I wanted it to mean. It's a part of his life. He's young now, but my advice as he gets younger will be to be very open about it with friends and potential SOs. But he also needs to understand that he sees things differently from other folks. Part of me thinks that the OP here might be trying to fit everyone in his life into what I call the Aspie-shaped hole, He needs to understand that not everyone sees things the same way he does, but it doesn't make either of them wrong.
Yep, you do need someone who is educated on the subject, or open to becoming more familiar with it, at least. But, you also need to realize that neurotypically developing people are not necessarily going to bend over backward to make social accommodations, and that's the reality of the situation...what a person finds necessary for an intimate romantic relationship is just kind of going to be what a person finds necessary, and you are either equipped to meet them where they're at, too, or you're not. It works both ways.
Yes, I do have it and it was a huge topic during marriage counseling.
I think I was just more surprised than anything, as I thought I was doing great this time and that she was happy. She had her own issues too, which I thought made us a suitable match, and would make her understanding.
It's just very aggravating to meet someone you like, for them to initially like you, then all of a sudden find out you were insufficient.
The part I'm happy about at least, is we closed the relationship appropriately. I think she was surprised and that it wasn't what she wanted, but I told her I was deleting her from Facebook, that I hoped she found someone more appropriate, that I had fun with her and hoped she had a good life. Then I deleted her number and her from Facebook. I feel good not having a dangling strand, and she wasn't someone I would choose to keep as a friend.
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