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Robyn - We cross-posted this morning <g>......If you fill out the forms his lawyer sent - don't worry about the small space she provided - Attach a regular sheet of paper her stuff - where the spaces are too small, just write "see attached" and provide everything you can think of!
Again, I don't think she has a clear picture of any of this.....
Also - being upset in front of the mediator was okay - They saw how you reacted and believe me, they could read between the lines. What you were doing was showing the "symptoms" of an abuse spouse, whether it be emotional/ psychological or physical. And that, my friend, negates any of his "you deserted me/the marriage" - You had good reason to and you showed the mediators why, just by your body language and words.
(((Robyn))) I'm so glad to read that you got some sleep last night. You'll need it. I agree with everyone up there. DAIBAlphaButt will come out angry. Don't trust anything he says even more than before. Don't agree to anything that is not on paper and documented by a third party. Don't be alone with him. Keep all conversations as short as possible. Next to Carol, "CaaaaLICK" is your best friend!
I'm also glad you and the kids will be out of town with your relatives this weekend.
I personally think it's perfectly OK to let out your emotions when you are being questioned by someone. It would be almost impossible to keep all that hurt inside when you are in a protected situation. It needs to be released. Keep some anger stored for when DAIBAlphaButt starts his crap with you alone and directly.
Selfishly, I'm soooo glad to know that Carol is there with you. (((Carol))), I'm soooo glad you began posting here. Somehow I need to know that you are not alone. Otherwise, I'd be doin' something crazy.
Idiocy find its own level just like water. That cretin is finding out where he is and how much control he really has. Geesh!! It's as if my anger is aimed directly at this person who is unknown to me. For every woman who has ever lived that life, Robyn, you are fighting the fight some have never been able to face. I, and all of us, want to see you standing proudly, living your life freely, happily, and at peace.
Take care. Have a good day. In your head, keep the tune of "I Will Survive" goin' on. Just forget the real words and use "CLICK"!
Robyn, don't beat yourself up for crying- the mediators needed to see what he has done to you. It sounds like there were no histrionics or dramatics- you just showed them who you are. A battered woman who has had enough and wants better for herself and her children. It's sad to say that they see that almost daily, but unfortunately they do. They see the best of the best as they did yesterday with you. And they see the worst of the worst. And they see everything in between including liars, manipulators and actors/actresses.
Being online as we are, it's natural to be suspicious of any "woe is me" stories that I read here. But from your first post about this, you were real. Your pain and resolve is so similar to how I felt when I was in your shoes and I can honestly tell you, those feelings cannot be conjured or fabricated- or at least the desperation behind them cannot.
If you are that genuine in typed words, I can only imagine how you came across in person in front of professional mediators. And those folks do have the ear and attention of the judge and other court officials. The judge will learn that he thinks he's paying for you to live in the so called lap of luxury (although IB knows nothing of the real House of Chimes which is better than any lap of luxury). The judge will also know that he is an intimidator and manipulator who lied in mediation.
You know better than we do that those mediators were on your side. It's clear from the evoloution of the discussions that I read here.
I remember when I was in the midst of the chaos with my ex husband. He was arrested for beating me- and ironically, I didn't make the call to the police for that beating. He was stupid enough to do so because he thought I had his wallet. The idiot called 911 to report that I stole his wallet and they came to the door, found me bruised, battered and struggling to move because I had some broken ribs. They asked him if he hit me and he said "damn right I did- she stole my wallet." They asked if I had his wallet and I said "no." They walked him out to his car and found the wallet in the glove box. They brought him back inside and asked me if he hit me. I did not answer. They told me that I had no choice as to whether charges were filed- it was out of my hands as they were arresting him and pressing domestic assault charges. He was handcuffed and acted like a caged animal.
He was ordered into anger management and alcohol abuse classes. After one anger management class he was enlighened (temporarily) and claimed that he understood that he was an intimidator. He apologized, begged for a second chance, seemed sincere that he wanted to change.
Well I took the bait and that change lasted about six weeks. The next beating was much worse and I was left hiding under a bed for hours. Unable to move, unable to breathe because of the reinjury to my ribs and a lung that was punctured.
My reason for sharing this? I have a feeling he might be ordered into anger management and/or parenting classes. And as a result he may approach you, hat in hand telling you he has changed. Do not believe him immediately. Desperation makes people say anything in order to gain the upper hand. People like him are not used to losing control of a situation. When threats don't work to get it back, they will try other angles to regain control. It's rarely sincere and eventually that pent up anger and frustration will come out with a vengeance and you do not want to be the target of those feelings.
Aiangel - you hit the nail on the head - ...he will be out and loaded for bear...
This is good, believe it or not...the real ib will be on a rampage until the court dates are over. He just found out that he can't manipulate Robyn or the Mediation process - he must be pi$$ed tonight!
Robyn, I've never been so direct with you, but you would be foolish if you do not start OPENLY taping your interactions with ib from now on ~ buy/borrow a recorder and start using it...and under no circumstances should you respond to any attitude, comments or directives of his...just look away and talk right over him saying, "I'm not sure about that" or "I'll think about it" (then forget it!) or "I'll have to get back to you." DON'T BE ALONE WITH HIM, DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE WHEN YOU ARE, JUST MOVE ON, GET OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE...and you will have enough rage on tape, that no lawyer could help him...he'll be afraid to say anything to you, cause now he knows exactly how smart and observant you are...what will happen is that you will become desensitized to his anger/rage, and you will be able to look him in the eye and respond with strength.
You are the best - please don't be alone with him, don't linger, respond evasively and proudly hold the rolling tape recorder...oh yeah...never, never give in to his ever stepping foot on your property at this point in time.
OK, I'm done pushing you around. Sorry about that, but I'm feeling the power of your successful meeting yesterday! Won't happen again...maybe!
MsV, Honey, if that is harsh/direct you can be harsh/direct with me any time!! It's great advice. Period.
((((pirate girl)))) You were so brave and honest to post your history. I think it needed to be shared to make the point we all want to make.
The night they tried to have you committed was a female sort of attack. That's how women tend to try to hurt. I'm sure his mother orchestrated that whole deal. Men lash out physically. Women use words and involve others to do their dirty work.
Please consider what pg has posted here. You may not believe it could happen to you, and you may be right. Just know that it is a textbook response from that sort of male personality. Simply be aware and be careful.
His attorney should not be communicating with you, but with your attorney. Don't give any information at this time. Your attorney should send her a letter telling her (and the team- LOL) that he is representing you.
You are correct that you aren't required to volunteer all the info that they are requesting, let her spend her time and tj's money sending you interrogatories through your attorney.
I can't think of a thing that I would change about your performance at the mediation. Your emotions were not scripted, they were real, a reflex. Not only is there nothing wrong with that, it only serves to validate your statements of the humiliation you have suffered throughout your marriage.
Glad that you slept well- I know that your concerns about custody were put well behind you after the mediation. And well they should be.
I'm so glad that you are going to see your family this weekend. ROADTRIP! Since the kids will be with you, you can turn off your cell phone. No problem, mon!
Robyn, you kicked some major butt yesterday. Rejoice! Like I said, and others have said as well, if he was himself - he was screwed. If he behaved reasonably, he was screwed as well (according to his standards).
You scored a knock-out yesterday girl. Oh yes, and don't sign anything; his lawyer should be communicating with your lawyer, not you.
I'm so happy for you Robyn. I knew you would do well.
I agree with HIF about the lawyer thing. Robyn, what is your status with the guy you were working with?
The other thing is that his lawyer may actually realize he's a manipulative, abusive, idiot. She may have figured out that this sort of person is a cash cow when it comes to billing for services. She may be blowing smoke up his posterior and telling him that she can do all sorts of things for him. Next thing she will be suing him for nonpayment, but she'll have realllly cheap legal representation.
You really need to find some sort of legal support asap. Please call one of the women's shelters to see if they can direct you to someone who has experience in this area and works for women in your financial situation. At least get the info, weigh your options, and go from there.
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