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Old 07-15-2013, 10:23 PM
 
91 posts, read 195,350 times
Reputation: 115

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How do I put this?
Because this is an anonymous forum, and seems genuine at the responses one gets, I think I'd post it here.
My dilemma isn't about how to get in the game or any other advice. I've accepted my situation. I just want to know if I am the only one like me.

I am 28 years old, and at the sound of being immodest- told that I am good looking by numerous people. My father is sure that I am gay and when I tell anyone that I've never even kissed or held hands they assume I am gay.

I have a feminine face and I've been asked out by women many times. I've asked two women out in my 28 years and one of them turned me down(when I was 15) and another said yes but I chickened out(when I was 25).

My problem is that I am very fragile. Perhaps I got everything from my mothers end and none from my father but I seem to suffer from massive social anxiety, avoidant personality, mood swings...everything you could think of.

For example I cannot drive and the very thought of driving freaks me out. I went to a psychologist and he said I have feminine character traits, except I am 100 percent heterosexual. I have no interests in cars or fast things....my passion are books, nature, gardening. I am never turned on by hot women(airbrushed fake porn) or XXX porn, instead I like the girl next door look, and only ever watch amateur stuff(which I do like any normal male).

Now I've assigned myself to a life of celibacy and sometimes feel good about it too...the fact that I've never had a heartbreak and the fact that I will never have kids to burden me seem like bright spots, but if I am being honest I know that secretly I yearn for sex and companionship more times than not, in other words the negatives outweigh the positive.

I am again being very straight- I can literally go and ask a girl out and fat chances are she will say yes. I can also keep her very happy, that I know. From basics like similar passions- almost every woman I've met in life enjoys books, nature and animals, just being themselves, to the intricacies I've learned by observing others for so long. But I know after the first impression when she sees that I have problems being in public, or the fact that my heart starts palpitating if three eyes are on me, it won't go anywhere.

My question is: are there people like me? Who suffer from anxiety disorders to this extent? I'd like answers from the ladies here. I scrounge the Internet and find that many women are also prone to heart beating fast on a highway...how do you manage to drive, or get into a relationship? How do you overcome your natural shortcoming?
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,931 posts, read 11,669,651 times
Reputation: 13170
There are. Do you want to have a romantic relationship with a woman? I think the answer is yes.

But this is not the right place to get good counseling.

You really do need to get some professional help to find out what is stopping you and how to overcome it. The limits you have placed on yourself are very extreme and you don't seem completely satisfied with them. Our behavior is "learned" and one can also learn to behave differently. The hard part is to get rid of the story you have created for yourself to explain (and reinforce) why you behave as you do.

I suggest you see someone who calls themselves a cognitive behavioral psychologist.

Good luck.
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:56 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,963,524 times
Reputation: 6848
Yes, there are lots of people of all genders who have social anxiety and other psych issues. And yes, you can find a pretty one your age who likes nature and books and stuff .

If you happen to be in Philadelphia or Oklahoma I might even know someone .

You might want to try okcupid. Mention your social anxiety in your profile, so women will know what to expect, and so women who search for that phrase can find you.

Or a forum for people with issues similar to yours, or one for people with hobbies like yours -- lots of folks who spend a lot of time online do so because of similar problems.

Maybe you feel alone, but you are not alone.
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Old 07-15-2013, 11:02 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,249,230 times
Reputation: 30254
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frihed89 View Post
There are. Do you want to have a romantic relationship with a woman? I think the answer is yes.

But this is not the right place to get good counseling.

You really do need to get some professional help to find out what is stopping you and how to overcome it. The limits you have placed on yourself are very extreme and you don't seem completely satisfied with them. Our behavior is "learned" and one can also learn to behave differently. The hard part is to get rid of the story you have created for yourself to explain (and reinforce) why you behave as you do.

I suggest you see someone who calls themselves a cognitive behavioral psychologist.

Good luck.
I agree. perhaps, more professional help is needed.
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Old 07-15-2013, 11:08 PM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,155,680 times
Reputation: 29087
Quote:
Originally Posted by rishi851 View Post
My question is: are there people like me? Who suffer from anxiety disorders to this extent? I'd like answers from the ladies here. I scrounge the Internet and find that many women are also prone to heart beating fast on a highway...how do you manage to drive, or get into a relationship? How do you overcome your natural shortcoming?
It's rare that I say this on here, but it sounds like you need to be in treatment. Not analyzed and told you have traits--what was the purpose of that with the psychologist, anyway?--but evaluated and actively treated, as in therapy, and if necessary, medication to overcome it. These things have a tendency to get worse as you get older, and there's no sense in ending up so crippled by them that you can barely function in society.

That would be my priority if I were you. I would not try to date right now because honestly? People with that much social anxiety are not equipped for a healthy relationship, and it's not fair to bring someone else into your issues. It's not fair to you either, as it will be a distraction to you. Getting well should be your number one goal.
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Old 07-15-2013, 11:30 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,963,524 times
Reputation: 6848
I wrote with the assumption the OP had already done tons of counseling, tried all the meds, etc.

But on second thought, I think y'all are right in not assuming that.

The quote about 'feminine' traits -- OP, if that is the quality of psych treatment you have seen, there is a whole world of healing out there for you. I mean, that statement was really stupid, if that's what he/she actually said. You are a man. Any traits you have are, by definition, masculine.
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Old 07-15-2013, 11:33 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,072 posts, read 107,051,957 times
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You saw a psychologist, but he didn't work with you on social anxiety? I'm not sure, but I think these days there are meds for that, but a good psychologist can also help you resolve it without meds. Take some time to resolve your issues first, then try dating. And btw, there's nothing wrong with feminine characteristics in a guy. You said women like you, they ask you out, so there you go--women like feminine characteristics in a guy. But you need to deal with your anxieties.
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Old 07-16-2013, 03:49 AM
 
91 posts, read 195,350 times
Reputation: 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
It's rare that I say this on here, but it sounds like you need to be in treatment. Not analyzed and told you have traits--what was the purpose of that with the psychologist, anyway?--but evaluated and actively treated, as in therapy, and if necessary, medication to overcome it. These things have a tendency to get worse as you get older, and there's no sense in ending up so crippled by them that you can barely function in society.

That would be my priority if I were you. I would not try to date right now because honestly? People with that much social anxiety are not equipped for a healthy relationship, and it's not fair to bring someone else into your issues. It's not fair to you either, as it will be a distraction to you. Getting well should be your number one goal.
But I doubt they are treatable. I mean I do come from a very dysfunctional family: mother is schizophrenic and brother is a transgender about to become my sister! All these disorders are a part of me and I have learnt to live with them. And I sort of pretend fine.

And medications? Hell, I ain't taking any tablets or injecting something or pills or whatever.
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Old 07-16-2013, 03:59 AM
 
91 posts, read 195,350 times
Reputation: 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
The quote about 'feminine' traits -- OP, if that is the quality of psych treatment you have seen, there is a whole world of healing out there for you. I mean, that statement was really stupid, if that's what he/she actually said. You are a man. Any traits you have are, by definition, masculine.

No, I think he was spot on. Bear in mind we are talking of a different culture here altogether. Like I said...I love nature, books, volunteering, even the sports I play aren't exactly manly(archery, swimming)....more relaxed hobbies. Plus I am heavily into spirituality, yoga, meditation and the occasional psychedelic drugs. These are the reasons I get women interested in me. I realized this when I was in Canada for two years. I used meetup to attend programs which fascinated me and the majority of them were attended by women. Heck, my male classmates accused me of faking these interests to get girls.

But I really don't want to inject meditations to feel better. Or even take pills. The way I see it- it would mean I'd have to change my inherent traits to suit the world. And I think its wrong.
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Old 07-16-2013, 04:00 AM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,155,680 times
Reputation: 29087
Quote:
Originally Posted by rishi851 View Post
But I doubt they are treatable. I mean I do come from a very dysfunctional family: mother is schizophrenic and brother is a transgender about to become my sister! All these disorders are a part of me and I have learnt to live with them. And I sort of pretend fine.

And medications? Hell, I ain't taking any tablets or injecting something or pills or whatever.
Social anxiety is treatable.

However, if you choose not to pursue treatment--and that is your right--then nothing will change, except probably for the worse. I maintain that it is unfair to try to bring another person into your issues, and I'll add that your chances of having a successful, healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy woman are extremely slim. About the only kind of woman who would get involved with you would be one with a "broken-wing" complex who will either try to fix you, aggravate you by trying to push you into treatment, or become a co-dependent mess requiring years of therapy, herself.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but if you are cognizant of your own issues, you can handle the reality of it. Most women aren't going to have the patience to deal with your issues. Do you really want to put yourself through getting your hopes up only to have them dashed when they decide they don't want to be with a man who not only has emotional problems, but is too stubborn and lacking in intestinal fortitude to do the hard work of fixing them?

When the pain of staying the same begins to outweigh the pain of change, you'll get the help you need. No one can force you, and no one can do it for you, but a healthy woman isn't going to try.
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