If a woman is willing to go all the way now will she want to later even if I miss this chance? (date, love)
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Sounds like you fear that having sex with her will cause you to lose interest, or bolt fast. Maybe the idea of a commitment excites you but leaves you VERY ambivalent.
Of course I want sex, and if she were just some random chick who's feelings I didn't care about I wouldn't even be concerned about this, I would just go for it and not even worry about what happens next. In a relationship like that I'd be upfront about the fact I have no intentions of wanting anything more either. Thing is I actually do care about her and don't want her to think I'm a jerk that just wants to sleep with her and then be gone after putting on a show. I really would like something more than that with her and feel based on her actions that's a possibility. This dilemma really isn't about my feelings, I have those mostly sorted out, more about how I can treat this situation in a way that's respectful but isn't so slow that she takes it the wrong way.
Also Kitkat-bar that's precisely what I'm worried about, that she would think I'm using her because at some point she's going to look back at this, and I really don't want it her to regret it because she wasn't emotionally "ready". I don't know where she is emotionally right now, I'll probably have a good idea when she's here though.
At the same time I'm thinking she's not a child, we're not going to get hammered to the point she makes a bad choice, I wouldn't let that happen. So I'd say at some point I'd have to rely on her judgment and figure if she's willing to do it with a clear mind then she must have weighed the consequences and isn't going to get upset about a choice she made.
All of this comes back to the initial question of if I pass up now and take the moral "high road" even if I don't have to is she just going to assume I'm not really interested? To be honest this is so far out of the norm for relationships with me I am very confused. Normally for me its rather cut and dry what people's intentions are and its easy for me to say "yes we have been dating for a month I'm going to start working towards sex" or "she grabbed my crotch in the first 5 minutes of knowing me, there is no emotional investment or expectations of that here".
After considering what almost everyone has to say (I'm looking at you zentropa and Wmsn4Life), I'll just have to see where she is emotionally. If she's all over the place and is obviously confused sex would only make it worse for her. If she looks like she knows what she's doing I'll be onboard. After all its not like its a sure thing anything is even going to happen but now I have this possibility covered.
Also Kitkat-bar that's precisely what I'm worried about, that she would think I'm using her because at some point she's going to look back at this, and I really don't want it her to regret it because she wasn't emotionally "ready". I don't know where she is emotionally right now, I'll probably have a good idea when she's here though.
At the same time I'm thinking she's not a child, we're not going to get hammered to the point she makes a bad choice, I wouldn't let that happen. So I'd say at some point I'd have to rely on her judgment and figure if she's willing to do it with a clear mind then she must have weighed the consequences and isn't going to get upset about a choice she made.
The bolded is, I mean this kindly, wishful thinking, I'm afraid. And honestly, I sense a little bit of you trying to lie to yourself out of the desperate hope of getting laid and wanting an excuse to make that happen. The truth is, you have no way to know if her mind is clear on the basis of you guys hanging out over one weekend. If she comes over and tries to sleep with you on the first night? That would indicate a cloudy mind to me more than anything.
A clear mind and ready heart? You guys would take some other steps first. You'd hold hands. You'd go on some dates. You'd kiss. You'd be smart about it and allow a little time for some anticipation and excitement to build on her part. Most importantly, you'd sit down and have an honest conversation about where she is, what she wants. You'd listen. You wouldn't push things. You'd lay it on the table, tell her your feelings, then give her a little space to think them over.
If you use this weekend as a chance to "accidentally" fall into bed together, your behavior is little different from that of her ex. And believe me, she'll read that loud and clear. It sounds like you have your mind made up, and that's fine, but if it was me, I would be romantic with her (hold hands, kiss, LISTEN when she talks), but stop short of sex. Show her you're interested, but give her the chance to think it over a little and decide if she's ready, rather than just her making a dumb decision in the heat of the moment out of town. That would make more of an impression, IMHO, than all the attempts to get in her pants as soon as you can ever could. She's already had a guy like that.
The bolded is, I mean this kindly, wishful thinking, I'm afraid. And honestly, I sense a little bit of you trying to lie to yourself out of the desperate hope of getting laid and wanting an excuse to make that happen. The truth is, you have no way to know if her mind is clear on the basis of you guys hanging out over one weekend. If she comes over and tries to sleep with you on the first night? That would indicate a cloudy mind to me more than anything.
A clear mind and ready heart? You guys would take some other steps first. You'd hold hands. You'd go on some dates. You'd kiss. You'd be smart about it and allow a little time for some anticipation and excitement to build on her part. Most importantly, you'd sit down and have an honest conversation about where she is, what she wants. You'd listen. You wouldn't push things. You'd lay it on the table, tell her your feelings, then give her a little space to think them over.
If you use this weekend as a chance to "accidentally" fall into bed together, your behavior is little different from that of her ex. And believe me, she'll read that loud and clear. It sounds like you have your mind made up, and that's fine, but if it was me, I would be romantic with her (hold hands, kiss, LISTEN when she talks), but stop short of sex. Show her you're interested, but give her the chance to think it over a little and decide if she's ready, rather than just her making a dumb decision in the heat of the moment out of town. That would make more of an impression, IMHO, than all the attempts to get in her pants as soon as you can ever could. She's already had a guy like that.
No offence but I feel you're not really understanding what I'm saying. I am not going to try to have her do anything, I'm not even going to get close to suggesting that we do anything sexual. My plan is to make this whole weekend a date. Obviously if comes over and immediately wants to do anything intimate, not even sex, there is a problem and will raise some concerns on my part. Now lets say over the course of the weekend it turns out she really is over the ex, isn't relying on me for any kind of emotional support, and without any influence suggests that we do something, I'd say there's nothing wrong with that. We're both adults and she isn't really the overly emotional type.
To make this totally clear my goal is not to have sex here. Again I am not actively trying to have sex with her this weekend. For the third time I am totally fine with no sex. I probably wont have sex, I'm not counting on it. Please understand that. Though not really seeing why I should turn it down if its her idea and she's thought it through, that just seems like self denial at that point. There really isn't a definitive solution here, its more about how much thought she has put into the ramifications of it, how much she sex means to her, and how clear her thinking was when she made that decision. So I'd say I really just have to make sure that I understand what she's thinking before I go ahead and do it.
So I totally get what you're saying, and I'm glad you said it. With that though I don't think this can be an all or none type decision. I'm sure you'd agree that under some set of circumstances it would be appropriate to go for it and what we call those circumstances becomes more a reflection of morals than anything else.
I'm sure you'd agree that under some set of circumstances it would be appropriate to go for it and what we call those circumstances becomes more a reflection of morals than anything else.
I think most everyone who responded the other day seemed to get what you were saying. You received a lot of good advice in the previous threads... it's your decision where to go from there, of course.
Regarding the quoted, no I think the situation has nothing to do with morals. You don't seem like a bad guy, but you do seem to be trying very, VERY hard to justify what you're hoping is going to happen, rather than considering whether or not it's really the right thing to do. Good luck to you.
Of course I want sex, and if she were just some random chick who's feelings I didn't care about I wouldn't even be concerned about this, I would just go for it and not even worry about what happens next.
I am just going to quote this and leave it there for all to admire. You gave yourself away.
No offence but I feel you're not really understanding what I'm saying. I am not going to try to have her do anything, I'm not even going to get close to suggesting that we do anything sexual. My plan is to make this whole weekend a date. Obviously if comes over and immediately wants to do anything intimate, not even sex, there is a problem and will raise some concerns on my part. Now lets say over the course of the weekend it turns out she really is over the ex, isn't relying on me for any kind of emotional support, and without any influence suggests that we do something, I'd say there's nothing wrong with that. We're both adults and she isn't really the overly emotional type.
To make this totally clear my goal is not to have sex here. Again I am not actively trying to have sex with her this weekend. For the third time I am totally fine with no sex. I probably wont have sex, I'm not counting on it. Please understand that. Though not really seeing why I should turn it down if its her idea and she's thought it through, that just seems like self denial at that point. There really isn't a definitive solution here, its more about how much thought she has put into the ramifications of it, how much she sex means to her, and how clear her thinking was when she made that decision. So I'd say I really just have to make sure that I understand what she's thinking before I go ahead and do it.
So I totally get what you're saying, and I'm glad you said it. With that though I don't think this can be an all or none type decision. I'm sure you'd agree that under some set of circumstances it would be appropriate to go for it and what we call those circumstances becomes more a reflection of morals than anything else.
You keep contradicting yourself.
"My goal is not to have sex, but if HER goal were to have sex, then YAY!!
"Of course I want sex, and if she were just some random chick who's feelings I didn't care about I wouldn't even be concerned about this, I would just go for it and not even worry about what happens next. In a relationship like that I'd be upfront about the fact I have no intentions of wanting anything more either."
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I am just going to quote this and leave it there for all to admire. You gave yourself away.
I wasn't going to say anything and just let it go. But you and Wmsn4Life are really getting on my nerves here and as both of you have made your opinions my problem I feel a need to respond to both you and Wmsn4Life once about this.
Mod cut: personal attacks
Finally, I'm being honest with what I said there. I'm a young man and I have no problem giving young ladies what they want with no expectation of a relationship. Maybe this is a foreign concept to you but some people have sex for pleasure and do not expect a relationship to be part of that. It doesn't mean anything to either party involved and no one's feelings are hurt. I don't go faking relationships, I make my intentions clear and it has worked out well so far, I'm yet to have a pissed off "ex" in my life.
Now obviously the situation with this girl is not like that, or at least not on my end. I don't want to just hook up with her and let that be the end of it. That is the point of my statement and makes even more sense in the context it was said.
Last edited by Mikala43; 07-23-2013 at 03:46 PM..
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