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Old 07-29-2013, 02:32 AM
 
2,495 posts, read 4,362,587 times
Reputation: 4935

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Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
I have a close female in my life who is going through a lot of trouble & I have bailed them out to a point where I no longer care to give her a fish but teach her to fish so she would not come for help anymore.

Cliffnotes on her situation

Her husband makes about $120K which is okay for where they live, so ``she did not have to work``. Not that it would be easy if she wanted to, she has a language barrier as she is from abroad. Before anybody says why does she not learn the language, business language and city data forum language are two different monsters.

Hubby lost his job three years ago and I had to jump through hoops to get the details after which I was told he got 70K after he was terminated. I tried to pry only enough since I had to feed her and her kids and her entire visiting village.

So from what I gather the 70K went to a pension kind of fund and HER HUBBY can only touch it once he turns 65. He is 45. Of course if she is still there with him she can also enjoy it.

Thats all they have saved. She is a SAHM and she has access to a joint banking account and her husband gave her two things. First a debit card where she can use money from the joint account and use of her own credit card which he has to pay for.

Now that this woman has moved from ``pleasant to have`` to burden, I have to solve this ASAP. She has been good to me in the past. Actually very very good.

I would like to tell her to pinch the grocery money since from what I hear its all she controls other bills like health insurance and mortgage are fixed. But I do not want to lead a good friend astray just because I am talking from my behind.
You should have added this info to the original post. I dont think its wise to advice her to deceive her husband. He is doing the best he can for his family considering the circumstance and doesnt need any outside help to further complicate matter at such a low point in their life.

Offer help as much as you can without wrecking your finances and allow them to figure out their situation. Be a friend, a good friend and leave it at that.
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Old 07-29-2013, 04:45 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,398 posts, read 24,478,233 times
Reputation: 17502
I'm not an expert on divorce, but I'm pretty sure that half of their "savings" will go to your friend if they split up. That might last a couple of years if they are also earning minimum wage.

That's assuming there are any assets left after they sort out their debts. Sounds like they were living beyond their means.

Best thing your friend can do for herself is to go to a technical school in her community, study English there, and get some kind of job training. That will pay off in dividends greater than skimming from the grocery money. She may end up earning more than her hubby.
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,650 posts, read 61,055,961 times
Reputation: 101093
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
Remember he has the 70k saved and she has no retirement money of her own.
It depends on the state, but in many states, if they were to divorce, half that money would be hers automatically.
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,650 posts, read 61,055,961 times
Reputation: 101093
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
Quote:
How did you find a job after 13 years of being a SAHM. Were there no gaps in your resume.
I was a stay at home mom for 11 years and when we got divorced, I had a job within a few days. It wasn't the best job ever, but within three months I had a much better one.

Quote:
She also has access to grocery money but the savings are his.
His savings are in an IRA or 401K or SEP account (that's what nearly all "retirement plans" are). For tax purposes, those accounts CANNOT be joint accounts. They have to be individual accounts in one name only. But most state laws consider such accounts to be community property in the case of a divorce.

Quote:

Did you have a retirement fund set up as well or were you expected to piggy back on hubby assuming you were still together when he was retired
What does this mean??? I figure that if he's "sharing" his income now, he'll share it upon retirement as well. SAHMs do not "piggy back on hubby" when they live on the income he provides. It's a partnership.

I'm not saying they shouldn't put money aside in a retirement fund with just her name on it - heck, that may be a good choice for them for tax purposes. (The downside is that you can't touch that money without tax penalties and some forfeited interest in most cases, so it's not easily accessible.)

Sounds to me like they need more liquid savings for emergencies or long term plans - in a joint account. But this retirement account with only his name on it just isn't a big deal. There's usually not another option when an employee is setting one up. He should, however, name her as the beneficiary on the account, just to be on the safe side. He's probably done that already.
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:12 AM
 
621 posts, read 1,054,962 times
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Looking at this woman as moving from " 'pleasant to have' to burden", as you put it, is a very odd angle to look at a SAHM.... It seems you are writing about her in the same way one would write about a home when its property value drops. I hope your friend doesn't feel that she has no value as a person in this marriage because she is not working outside of her home and I hope she doesn't look upon her husband in a way where he is only valued as a"penis and a paycheck", if I can be so brazen to say it.

It seems that the real financial issue is related to the fact that he has 70k in retirement and she has none, right?

Many SAHMs will neglect their retirement savings not realizing that they are missing out on some excellent investment options that would provide them some additonal tax benefits and security. You do not have to be employed to open a retirement account. If she was my friend, I would advise her to talk to hubby about setting aside some retirement money for her too. The are a lot of options, but if they have made six figures in the past they are very likely to have a financial advisor available to explain this to them in a way that is real to their financial picture.

It is not appropriate to advise anyone to deceive their spouse. Deception is, to me, a form of divorce without the court papers and is a very cowardice way to go about things. Both people in a marriage should show good character, common courtesy and decency in their dealings with each other, even when things are falling apart.

If there is a situation where deception seems necessary, it's time to consider couple's therapy, separation or a divorce depending on how dangerous the situation is and whether addiction or other abuses are in play.

Last edited by Robinstyler; 07-29-2013 at 09:24 AM..
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Cincinnati near
2,628 posts, read 4,303,713 times
Reputation: 6119
I was only married for three years but I suspect my ex purchased tens of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, over half of it without my knowledge. I only know this because two weeks before my divorce she got robbed and tried to file a claim on my homeowners policy for 25K because she didn't get renters insurance of her own. I know it wasn't fraudulent because she had the receipts. Luckily I had sent my separation agreement to my insurance agent and removed her from the policy six months prior. Boy was she unhappy with me at the divorce hearing.

It is not just women that accumulate hidden assets. I have some friends with $100K plus firearms collections that their wives think are worth peanuts. My friend spent 20K on a Holland & Holland shotgun and told his wife it was $800. I don't think it is an "in case of divorce" type thing, but rather a "if she knows I got a 25K bonus this year she'll want a new kitchen" type of thing.
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:44 AM
 
15,714 posts, read 21,088,751 times
Reputation: 12818
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
How did you find a job after 13 years of being a SAHM. Were there no gaps in your resume.
I had a degree in Elementary Education from a different state (we had moved) that had expired. I had lots of gaps in my resume. However, I kept current by doing a lot of volunteer work in the schools, rubbed elbows with the right people and renewed my license when I was ready to go back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
She also has access to grocery money but the savings are his. Were the savings also on joint accounts
We have one main bank account that has checking (for bills) and savings and it is joint. We don't tend to keep a lot in the savings account though...enough for emergencies. The rest of the money is moved into other accounts. They are all joint.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
Did you have a retirement fund set up as well or were you expected to piggy back on hubby assuming you were still together when he was retired
I have one and he has one. His has more money than mine...but both will be shared when we retire.
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Old 07-29-2013, 09:21 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
32,672 posts, read 48,152,369 times
Reputation: 78529
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
In other words, I guess I am looking for info as to how SAHM mom relationships are supposed to be managed financially. That would enable me to actually help and not just be judgemental.
I was a stay at home mom, and very grateful that I could supervise the raising of my child. I also had my own business that I could manage from home while raising my child.

So financially, I earned money while staying at home. That's how my SAHM situation was handled financially.

I suggest that your friend start taking some vocational classes to prepare her for a job. Since the Hubs isn't working, he can watch the kids while she goes to class and keep them entertained while she does her homework.

Every married woman should have some sort of job skills that she can fall back on. Divorce is far from being the only situation where a woman might discover she needs to earn aliving.
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Old 07-29-2013, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Way up high
22,363 posts, read 29,487,050 times
Reputation: 31533
Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
Look at women like Pilar Sanders & the ex wife of D Wade they did not stash enough look how well they faired!

What are you talking about with D Wade?? Do you even know the full story?? They are divorced. He won full custody of his kids-that says a lot. She's a whackball. Plus he was paying her $25k a month!!! GIVE ME AN F-ING BREAK!!!

She needs to stand on her own two feet now and make a life for herself and stop living off him. She has no pride for herself. He just gave her $5 MILLION TO ****

(btw I'm a woman)
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Old 07-29-2013, 09:50 AM
 
Location: NY
9,130 posts, read 20,035,998 times
Reputation: 11707
Whenever I get pennies back as change I throw them in a container on my desk.

Maybe I will have enough to cash them in some day and run off!



(j/k of course, in all honesty, if you feel you have to hide money from your spouse to save it for youself, you have some marital issues going on besides the fact you are doing this).
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