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I don't necessarily mean relationships in the sense of two people being romantically involved, but rather in the sense of two people building a connection that isn't shallow.
I was recently talking to someone who does online dating and she told me that she didn't like it. I asked her why and among her reasons is that you can be considered highly compatible, but not have a lot of chemistry. She couldn't really explain what chemistry was when I asked, but I did ask if she's only going out with someone once before making that decision and it turns out that she is.
Personally, that's what I find odd about online dating: people think they can order up their partner online. There's nothing inherently wrong about online dating, but I think a lot of people go about it the wrong way. When I meet people offline, I don't expect to have an instant connection with them. Many of my friendships developed over time and as have the romantic relationships I have had. I think people expect to be instantly gratified when they meet people and if they don't feel a rush then they move on despite any future potential.
There's also this word "chemistry" that I hear a lot from some people who do it. In the past, while online dating, I heard it and when I asked that person what it meant, she also couldn't explain it. Now I'm starting to arrive at the conclusion that many people are using chemistry as a sub in for the word "infatuation". We learn when we are young that infatuation is taboo and juvenile. "Chemistry" seems to be the grown up word for it that's acceptable because we use it without ever defining it and if we feel it, then we know it's right.
When you meet someone for the first time, you're essentially strangers who know next to nothing about one another. It takes a while to really get to know someone and understand their personality, their perspectives, and their history. If people treated friendships the way they do online dating, then I guess we'd all be lonely.
What is it about OLD that causes people to forego getting to know people. What is with the emphasis on instant appeal? Does it come from how the media portrays love?
"lack of chemistry" may simply mean the person was dull and boring, or only talked about themselves, or didn't have sex appeal, or an upbeat, intriguing personality.
It's not just OLD...it's people in general. People expect things to happen right then and there. I do agree people don't really take the time to get to know people. We have made things so convenient for us, we just assume relationships will go the same way. I will admit I am a very impatient person, and I believe that is the cause of my unhappiness and restlessness. Probably why I have no desire to really talk to anyone either. I have no patience. Waiting is agonizing for me. I'm not sure why I am in such a rush.
Most of my romantic encounters have never been more than mere fantasies. A lot of guys seem to expect to sleep with me within a few months or a few weeks. But it takes a while for my feelings to develop and they don't really give them a chance to develop. I will be honest I don't want to wait until I am in my 30s or 40s for something meaningful. I'm alone NOW lol, but maybe it's for the best, so I am going to take advantage of it.
The problem I saw with OLD, is the limited ways that you have to determine the compatibility. While you can hope to get to know someone via chat/texting, it's so one dimensional that only a face to face meeting can verify what you may think. There have been quite a few times, where I mistakenly thought a woman was very personable online, but in person they weren't. I know the same can be said about men. The problem online, is that it's too easy to front. Whether it's with angles of pictures, the ability to write, etc. You really can't determine how a person will be until you meet them face to face. I think that the mystery actually creates more of a positive belief in a person's worth. Unfortunately, when you meet, the high expectations can lead to a let down. This is the very reason, why I would want to meet in person, ASAP, and if someone didn't want to, I'd move on. Sure I may have missed out, but I was more than willing to miss out, instead of wasting my time building up a vision of the person, only to be disappointed.
Personally, that's what I find odd about online dating: people think they can order up their partner online. There's nothing inherently wrong about online dating, but I think a lot of people go about it the wrong way. When I meet people offline, I don't expect to have an instant connection with them. Many of my friendships developed over time and as have the romantic relationships I have had. I think people expect to be instantly gratified when they meet people and if they don't feel a rush then they move on despite any future potential.
The problem is that there's a lot of mythology circulating about getting "friendzoned", and men encourage each other to make their intentions known immediately and to try to move things along pretty quickly, or they'll be permanently friendzoned. Young men are telling each other that being friends first with a woman is the kiss of death to any relationship. They're presenting what you describe as being a common reality for women, as the worst fate possible for men.
I don't necessarily mean relationships in the sense of two people being romantically involved, but rather in the sense of two people building a connection that isn't shallow.
I was recently talking to someone who does online dating and she told me that she didn't like it. I asked her why and among her reasons is that you can be considered highly compatible, but not have a lot of chemistry. She couldn't really explain what chemistry was when I asked, but I did ask if she's only going out with someone once before making that decision and it turns out that she is.
Personally, that's what I find odd about online dating: people think they can order up their partner online. There's nothing inherently wrong about online dating, but I think a lot of people go about it the wrong way. When I meet people offline, I don't expect to have an instant connection with them. Many of my friendships developed over time and as have the romantic relationships I have had. I think people expect to be instantly gratified when they meet people and if they don't feel a rush then they move on despite any future potential.
There's also this word "chemistry" that I hear a lot from some people who do it. In the past, while online dating, I heard it and when I asked that person what it meant, she also couldn't explain it. Now I'm starting to arrive at the conclusion that many people are using chemistry as a sub in for the word "infatuation". We learn when we are young that infatuation is taboo and juvenile. "Chemistry" seems to be the grown up word for it that's acceptable because we use it without ever defining it and if we feel it, then we know it's right.
When you meet someone for the first time, you're essentially strangers who know next to nothing about one another. It takes a while to really get to know someone and understand their personality, their perspectives, and their history. If people treated friendships the way they do online dating, then I guess we'd all be lonely.
What is it about OLD that causes people to forego getting to know people. What is with the emphasis on instant appeal? Does it come from how the media portrays love?
I don't know about the vast majority of people around the world, but here in SoCal (and I don't think this is a human condition), I think a lot of people who base relationships on superficiality and treat it like it's a McDonald's drive through live behind a facade of fear.
When people aren't authentic with themselves, they can't be authentic with others. Their connections are limited. Some people are really afraid of emotions like it's the kiss of death. But, love and allowing someone into our lives goes beyond what's on the surface.
People don't want to dig deeper, because they're scared. They're scared of themselves. They're scared of denial. They're scared to face reality. They live in the shoulds. They lack the courage to be honest with themselves. Dating becomes a vicious cycle of unfulfilled self-prophecies, because some people aren't willing to do the work. They want instant gratification.
For me it was the same with OLD and meeting someone randomly: no chemistry, no deal.
One thing I have never been accused of is being shallow, but there is no sense in dating someone I am not attracted to.... on some level.
When I was younger I tried dating a guy I knew because he was good on paper and we hung out together, we had fun, but when he went in for a kiss I ducked away. Never done that since since it's not fair to anyone involved.
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"lack of chemistry" may simply mean the person was dull and boring, or only talked about themselves, or didn't have sex appeal, or an upbeat, intriguing personality.
There are instances where we may know that we don't want to go further with someone. For example, they have bad hygiene or they voice discriminatory beliefs. However, I think I can say that I have developed good friendships with people whom I may have thought were boring or egocentric at first.
If you did OLD, did you use the criteria you listed to write someone off after 30 minutes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
Because of the society we live in.
It's not just OLD...it's people in general. People expect things to happen right then and there. I do agree people don't really take the time to get to know people. We have made things so convenient for us, we just assume relationships will go the same way. I will admit I am a very impatient person, and I believe that is the cause of my unhappiness and restlessness. Probably why I have no desire to really talk to anyone either. I have no patience. Waiting is agonizing for me. I'm not sure why I am in such a rush.
Most of my romantic encounters have never been more than mere fantasies. A lot of guys seem to expect to sleep with me within a few months or a few weeks. But it takes a while for my feelings to develop and they don't really give them a chance to develop. I will be honest I don't want to wait until I am in my 30s or 40s for something meaningful. I'm alone NOW lol, but maybe it's for the best, so I am going to take advantage of it.
We lack of a lot of patience in this society.
Do you know what causes your impatience? I remember reading that people have become a lot more about impatient about package deliveries. I wonder, with OLD becoming more common and acceptable, will that also lead to people having unrealistic expectations about when a relationship should be "delivered" to them so to speak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by vigueur2014
The problem I saw with OLD, is the limited ways that you have to determine the compatibility. While you can hope to get to know someone via chat/texting, it's so one dimensional that only a face to face meeting can verify what you may think. There have been quite a few times, where I mistakenly thought a woman was very personable online, but in person they weren't. I know the same can be said about men. The problem online, is that it's too easy to front. Whether it's with angles of pictures, the ability to write, etc. You really can't determine how a person will be until you meet them face to face. I think that the mystery actually creates more of a positive belief in a person's worth. Unfortunately, when you meet, the high expectations can lead to a let down. This is the very reason, why I would want to meet in person, ASAP, and if someone didn't want to, I'd move on. Sure I may have missed out, but I was more than willing to miss out, instead of wasting my time building up a vision of the person, only to be disappointed.
I agree. When it comes to OLD, I think most people would fall in my range of "acceptable, let's go out a few more times to see what happens". Sometimes, it may lead to a friendship and I do still have a friendship with someone I met online. There's only been one person who I did not want to go out with again because she was very mean to other people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
The problem is that there's a lot of mythology circulating about getting "friendzoned", and men encourage each other to make their intentions known immediately and to try to move things along pretty quickly, or they'll be permanently friendzoned. Young men are telling each other that being friends first with a woman is the kiss of death to any relationship. They're presenting what you describe as being a common reality for women, as the worst fate possible for men.
I would add that PUA culture creeps it's way into how a lot of males think about dating, but I agree with you. I do think that sometimes, I need to make my intentions known, but when it comes to dating online, I feel like that is unnecessary. I only had to ask for clarification once and that was by the person who talked about chemistry later on. I guess the word "date" holds different meanings for everyone. At the same time, a lot of people seem to be afraid about being direct with their intentions and how they're feeling. Occasionally, I'll go out with someone and tell them I had a great time and want to see them again. They'll reciprocate and send a text later saying the opposite. Sometimes, it's only because they have another date lined up.
Compared to offline dating, did you feel like men didn't really feel the pressure to be outright with their intentions because it's implied?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
I don't know about the vast majority of people around the world, but here in SoCal (and I don't think this is a human condition), I think a lot of people who base relationships on superficiality and treat it like it's a McDonald's drive through live behind a facade of fear.
When people aren't authentic with themselves, they can't be authentic with others. Their connections are limited. Some people are really afraid of emotions like it's the kiss of death. But, love and allowing someone into our lives goes beyond what's on the surface.
People don't want to dig deeper, because they're scared. They're scared of themselves. They're scared of denial. They're scared to face reality. They live in the shoulds. They lack the courage to be honest with themselves. Dating becomes a vicious cycle of unfulfilled self-prophecies, because some people aren't willing to do the work. They want instant gratification.
Do you know what causes your impatience? I remember reading that people have become a lot more about impatient about package deliveries. I wonder, with OLD becoming more common and acceptable, will that also lead to people having unrealistic expectations about when a relationship should be "delivered" to them so to speak.
My own impatience is possibly caused by anxiety and possibly depression.
When I am waiting for something or not doing anything, my mind goes a mile a minute. My anxiety is centered around what if, and missing out on what other people have experienced, when logically I shouldn't think about it at all. It's pretty complicated.
As far as people being impatient, as I stated before, people are just used to getting things right then and there.
All online dating was to me was a conduit of meeting more people and a wider variety of people than I was, otherwise. How things progressed once that meeting was facilitated was pretty much the same no matter how I met someone.
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