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Required reading for many, as we seem to read never ending threads on here from women asking about situations involving a guy they are dating.
Boundaries are boundaries, and never put up with what makes you uncomfortable. I agree that as a society many are 'taught' to not raise their voice and not be 'rude,' but there are subtle cues that doesn't take rocket science to figure out.
"Consent" is a hot word right now. And it should be. I hope it’s here to stay. Because when a date does something against your explicit wishes, it’s game over, right?
But, I've noticed the "consent" conversation largely hovers around sexual consent only (and the trauma caused when consent is absent and sexual assault occurs). Yet, men often show you on the very first date whether they care (or not) about honoring your boundaries.
The pressure to "go along to get along," not rock the boat, and avoid displeasing the other person at all costs is the cultural training many of us received as little girls. It touches us to our core. Our inner self whispers, "Just get through this. Be nice." Unfortunately, some people (let’s just call them what they are: jerks) count on this, and are more than willing to take advantage.
This:
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So, how do you know which men are likely to violate consent boundaries?
Spotting a dangerous man when you don't like him is easy. But noticing his negative traits gets a bit fuzzy when he’s hot, or smart, or funny, or charming, or — oh boy — all four. In these cases, I have a pro tip for you, sister: No matter how "nice" he is, if a man doesn't honor you saying "no" to the little things — RUN!
Because, nice or not, he has just committed the No. 1 dating no-no! He may as well have said to you, "I care more about what I want than what you need."
And this:
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Of course, this behavior shows up differently from guy to guy. I put men like this in three categories:
#1. The 'Nice Guy': This guy would never intentionally push your comfort levels if he knew you wanted to bail, or that you need to slow things down.
#2. The Sneaky Good Guy: This guy is basically a decent person who is heavily steeped in bad information. We cannot discount the huge impact our culture has on training young men to believe women "play hard to get," and that, with any sign of waffling on her part, it’s perfectly OK to push her further. You know, because women "secretly want it" (*giant sigh*).
#3. The Total Asshat: This jerk hears you say, "No, thank you", loud and clear, and orders you another drink anyway. Or sticks his hand where it isn’t welcome. Yeah — that guy. By disregarding your explicitly stated wishes, he’s practically slapping you across the face with that red flag.
Want to know how a man will treat you long-term?
On the very first date, clearly articulate a need or boundary. (Yeah — it’s that easy.) How he responds to your boundary or request shows you how he’ll treat you now and in the future. If he doesn't honor your "no" about a second glass of wine, he's unlikely to honor your "no" sexually.
Lol, this woman makes it seem there's no such thing as a genuine good guy.
I didn't read it that way at all. She identified 3 kinds of guys...1 genuinely a good guy, one that might be salvageable and a bad guy. It seemed pretty balanced and actually offered some good advice on how to practice saying no and how to figure out early on if the guy would take "no" for an answer.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,709 posts, read 41,870,976 times
Reputation: 41441
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Originally Posted by Cardiff Giant
Who doesn't take no for an answer? Sheesh.
A Comcast employee.
But seriously, I'm very sensitive, to a fault, to when a woman says no. I'm trying to make up for lost time in my career and I can't afford a court case or any risk of it if a woman is not interested and expresses that in any way.
You're not really that naive to think some men DON'T take no for an answer?
Never in any of the circles of men that I knew. You can get a bead on who you think might be a creep and pretty much rule them out of your life. There was a couple of guys that I've known, mostly friends of a friend type thing that I just got a creepy vibe from and wouldn't feel comfortable with them dating any women I knew, but it was pretty rare. Most guys are decent, just like most women, most people are decent.
Never in any of the circles of men that I knew. You can get a bead on who you think might be a creep and pretty much rule them out of your life. There was a couple of guys that I've known, mostly friends of a friend type thing that I just got a creepy vibe from and wouldn't feel comfortable with them dating any women I knew, but it was pretty rare. Most guys are decent, just like most women, most people are decent.
Sure...but just because most guys are nice doesn't mean there aren't bad guys out there. And, the bad guys do MORE than their share of crap so even if only 5% are bad, they are messing up far more than 5% of women. Also, I don't need to personally know a murderer to know and acknowledge that they exist...enough said.
Sure...but just because most guys are nice doesn't mean there aren't bad guys out there. And, the bad guys do MORE than their share of crap so even if only 5% are bad, they are messing up far more than 5% of women. Also, I don't need to personally know a murderer to know and acknowledge that they exist...enough said.
So men do more damage than women? Not all men sleep around or are players if that's what your implying?
Why can't it be equal? Which I think it is overall.
Sure...but just because most guys are nice doesn't mean there aren't bad guys out there. And, the bad guys do MORE than their share of crap so even if only 5% are bad, they are messing up far more than 5% of women. Also, I don't need to personally know a murderer to know and acknowledge that they exist...enough said.
Not sure why I'm get a tude here???? Saying enough said is pretty rude and dismissive.
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