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Yes we originally planned to live here, but things can change. And they have - I don't want to live here any more, I am really missing family - and it's not just "missing my mommy"*- I want to be there to share my life with them, support them, and get support from them too (practical physical support). I want to have dinner with them, and be there to help them. My aunt has cancer, we are very close, and I want to be there to support her, and my family, as it could be terminal ( we're waiting to hear results). I know it's a huge upheaval to move cities, and a big ask, and I have asked my husband about it, but he doesn't want to. But it doesn't seem fair for me to be unhappy.
This raises questions in my mind about what would happen to her husband and kids if she were to become a caregiver to her aunt, and to spend a lot of time with parents, too. What would happen to the marriage bond? What about being there for her kids? Would hubby and kids feel abandoned? Are there other options, like taking a leave of absence from work for a few months to care for aunt and family? This seems to be a case of divided loyalties. The OP doesn't seem to feel much loyalty to the family of her own creation.
OP, by now, you've had plenty of time to talk to your husband about this. Do you have any updated information for us?
I talked to my husband last night. He't not wanting to move. He said maybe he would if it was a fantastic job, but it would be unlikely. He understands how much it means to me and how much it upsets me, but he doesn't feel there's anything up North for him. I know logically we should just stay here, and I know I shouldn't leave him just over this, but emotionally it's very hard. I know this hurts him too, and he feels I'm holding back in some way, and not looking forward. But I AM looking forward and that what upsets me, that when my parents die, I know I am going to be wracked with regret that I wasn't stronger and just moved closer regardless, and I am worried I won't be able to cope with that.
I just want to have my husband and kids close to my family, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Of course I have divided loyalties, but the key word is divided - I love both my 'families'. I guess it's just something I have to learn to live with, but I've been trying for 15 years and it's not getting any easier. The options as I see it, divorce husband and move kids up north, which I don' want to do, stay here and try and make the best of it which seems unfair to me, or we move up there ( which would be unfair to him). My parents can't move closer, they own a farm, and wouldn't be able to shift. So the last option is the best for me, but obviously isn't going to happen.
why would you have to divorce him of you wanted to move with the kids?!?
outside of compromising (which it seems you do not want to do) to make travel easier on you i really have no advice for you.
I talked to my husband last night. He't not wanting to move. He said maybe he would if it was a fantastic job, but it would be unlikely. He understands how much it means to me and how much it upsets me, but he doesn't feel there's anything up North for him. I know logically we should just stay here, and I know I shouldn't leave him just over this, but emotionally it's very hard. I know this hurts him too, and he feels I'm holding back in some way, and not looking forward. But I AM looking forward and that what upsets me, that when my parents die, I know I am going to be wracked with regret that I wasn't stronger and just moved closer regardless, and I am worried I won't be able to cope with that.
I just want to have my husband and kids close to my family, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Of course I have divided loyalties, but the key word is divided - I love both my 'families'. I guess it's just something I have to learn to live with, but I've been trying for 15 years and it's not getting any easier. The options as I see it, divorce husband and move kids up north, which I don' want to do, stay here and try and make the best of it which seems unfair to me, or we move up there ( which would be unfair to him). My parents can't move closer, they own a farm, and wouldn't be able to shift. So the last option is the best for me, but obviously isn't going to happen.
Family is important to me - but the most important family to me is the one made of my husband and my children. I've lived across the country (about a 6 hour flight if it's nonstop) from my mother since I was 22. We talk all the time. We are very close. My father passed away when I was 26. We talked every single day. I flew home from the tour I was on a few times to see him. My aunt passed away when I was 25. We were very close. I saw her as often as I could and talked to her on the phone as well. I have no regrets. My parents and my extended family know that I love them and they want me to be happy. I'm a grown woman now with a family of my own and they come first. If you divorce your husband to get your way because you think it's unfair to stay where you are now - then you should leave the children with him and move back in with your parents. You want to uproot your family because you can't be away from your parents and your aunt. It seems to me that you have your priorities slightly out of whack.
He doesn't want to move. Moving closer to family would be the ideal solution for me. But he doesn't want to, and that's what this thread is about - is it fair for me to want him to move?
He doesn't want to move. Moving closer to family would be the ideal solution for me. But he doesn't want to, and that's what this thread is about - is it fair for me to want him to move?
You can want him to move but it's not fair for you to force him to move or divorce him if he doesn't move. That's just selfish.
Well that's the thing, I wouldn't do that, cos I know that's not the right thing to do. But if I feel so strongly about this, why won't he move? Why do I have to be the one to 'compromise' and stay unhappy. I think he could at least move and try it for a couple of years. If after that, he was unhappy, we could move back again.
Well that's the thing, I wouldn't do that, cos I know that's not the right thing to do. But if I feel so strongly about this, why won't he move? Why do I have to be the one to 'compromise' and stay unhappy. I think he could at least move and try it for a couple of years. If after that, he was unhappy, we could move back again.
Because you have built a life there. He has a job there. He's not confident about getting a job up north. Your children have built their lives there. You want to uproot your entire family and the only person you are thinking about is yourself. He doesn't want to move. I suggest you start looking for a way to find a positive outlook on your life and be there for your family - meaning your husband and your children.
. My parents can't move closer, they own a farm, and wouldn't be able to shift. n.
What about when they age to the point that they can no longer run the farm? What are their plans for old age or retirement? They're sitting on a piece of real estate that could potentially finance specialized health attention, like home health care (if the gov't doesn't provide that), anywhere they choose to relocate. They do have a choice of selling the farm at some point, and putting the proceeds into their nest egg.
Yes, they could move, but all the rest of my family are also in that area. It's not just my parents I want to be closer to, it's my brother and nieces, nephews, aunts uncles etc.
I know I just have to suck it up and make the best of it. I guess I just wanted an unbiased opinion on this. My husband and parents are obviously too close to give me an unbiased opinion
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