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I think it would be wrong to force him to move, but by the same token, it's wrong for him to not even consider a move. As suggested, a talk is in order just to see if a move is a possibility. He should at least be willing to look at what is available to see if it would be financially viable. If he's not even willing to look, then you need to decide what's more important to you.
I think it would be wrong to force him to move, but by the same token, it's wrong for him to not even consider a move. As suggested, a talk is in order just to see if a move is a possibility. He should at least be willing to look at what is available to see if it would be financially viable. If he's not even willing to look, then you need to decide what's more important to you.
She posted upthread that they did talk about it and he said he was worried they couldn't find jobs that were comparable there. It sounds like he did listen to her, but the OP is clearly hoping "listen to" would've meant "I will upend everything else in our lives because you can't be satisfied with unlimited contact with your mom via Skype, phone and trips to see her several times a year." I mean, I feel sorry for OP because I'm sure she does miss her mom, but this is just life. In the olden days, people left home at 18 and moved to another city, never to see their family ever again. It took letters days or months to travel the distance. You just had to learn to bloom where you were planted, which it sounds like no one ever taught OP.
She posted upthread that they did talk about it and he said he was worried they couldn't find jobs that were comparable there. It sounds like he did listen to her, ....
I took it to mean he was concerned, but didn't actively look in the area. I think looking to be certain whether or not they could make it should be the first step. I got the feeling that he really didn't entertain the idea of moving, using the possible lack of comparable jobs as an excuse.
I think it would be wrong to force him to move, but by the same token, it's wrong for him to not even consider a move. As suggested, a talk is in order just to see if a move is a possibility. He should at least be willing to look at what is available to see if it would be financially viable. If he's not even willing to look, then you need to decide what's more important to you.
Agreed. People, including people with children, make much more drastic moves than this all the time. It can be a positive adventure if approached in the right way. I also think if the children are older, it would be right to take their wishes into account when deciding. If it turns out to legitimately not be a viable option for the family, after real consideration, she'd be unreasonable to cling to it. But it is not unreasonable to explore the option, or to feel frustrated if it is dismissed out of hand.
I don't think it's at all selfish to want to care for and spend time with one's elder relatives. I also think is very positive for children to spend time with the elder generation while they are still alive and active.
I took it to mean he was concerned, but didn't actively look in the area.
As outside observers, we only get to go on what the OP "said" happened. That the husband had the discussion with her and was concerned about jobs (he should be knowledgeable about his own work possibilities).
I agree, I do need to have a positive attitude towards it, and I have been trying. But everytime I visit, it upsets me all over again, and it's not getting easier, which is why I thought it was time to see if there was a different solution. It's not like losing a foot where there are no other options. I don't think it would ever truely come to divorce - but I am feeling that strongly about it that it crossed my mind.
Yes I know it would be a disruption for my kids - but if we had to move for a job, they would handle it, and I think long term the benefits of having family closer and been involved in that would outweigh the disadvantages. Yes we would have to make new friends - but people do that every day at cope. We wouldn't move unless there were jobs there, so even though we have good jobs here, that point is kinda redundant. Everything difficult about moving could be overcome or replaced - what can't be replaced is my family.
At what point is it selfish for him to stay here, just because he doesn't want to move, over my feeling about wanting to move? I know there's no right answer, but surely since I've tried for so long, and this is really important to me and things aren't working for me, isn't it time for him to think of me? And maybe try moving for me?
You do realize that those roads go both ways right? Your brother, nieces, and other family who are able can come and visit you. As far as your Mother, is there a reason you cannot go visit her alone for a week or so? When it comes to your Aunt, does she have children or other relatives that "can be there for her"? If so then you are not required to be the one to possibly tear your marriage apart.
When you got married you chose to put your husband and your future children as top priority over Mother, Father, Brother, Sister and any other relatives.
So what happens when he does think of you and leaves a good job in a city that you all seem to like very much away from the place you have made your home together? Do you think everything will magically fall into place and all will be right with the world? When you get moved and you have to find a job and retrain and he has to find a job and the children have to be enrolled in school and find new friends and you are so busy with your lives are you really going to see your relatives that much more?
Are they going to come and visit you if you move closer to them?
If they have not figured out that the road goes both ways after this many years I doubt less miles between you is going to make anything different than they are now except after you move you have an unhappy husband and children.
The bright side is that YOU will be happy and HE won't be selfish any longer, he will be unhappy but not selfish. Is it really worth that trade?
Wouldn't it be ironic if you do convince him to move closer to your family and you find yourself still unhappy because you like the old place better?
OP, here's the kind way to put it. it's not normal or healthy for a grown woman to be so attached to her family. It's dysfunctionally codependent. You need help.
Here's the harsh way to put it: Girl, grow the he** up! You're a selfish, whiny, horrible excuse for a wife and mother. You put your own messed up needs before those of your husband and kids. Suck it up.
Choose one. ^^^^
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