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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We are very much in love and see a definite future with each other. Ofcourse we both have our quirks and a past that does not include each other, especially because he is 8 years older than me. I have been struggling recently with the fact that while me and my boyfriend were not together he used very hard drugs on a regular basis such as cocaine, heroine, meth, ketamine, ecstasy, acid,etc the list goes on and on. I haven't seen any present drug use but somehow it still upsets me. I was dating someone before him who was very well into drugs and it ruined his life and our relationship. Although my boyfriend now shows no signs of using drugs I can't help but get upset every single time he talks about it with someone else. So do I have even a little bit of a right to be upset? Am I blowing this out of proportion ? How can I overcome my feelings ??
No you are not "blowing it out of proportion" enough. Let me re-phrase that - there is no way to not see this as a potentially dangerous and serious situation.
If this is the second time that you have decided to have a relationship with a man with a drug history or active problem, you need to be real with yourself. Why are you selecting men with substance abuse issues?
Do not "overcome your feeling"! Listen to them! A person with a drug problem is an addict and more likely than not, he will return to his first love - drugs,
Run, do not walk away from him. Do yourself a favor and stop seeing men for a while and work on yourself - with a trained mental health professional.
I would question anyone's judgement who even "tried" hard drugs. Most people don't "try" them for good reason.
What is a person thinking when he first "tries" heroine? Why is one person responsible enough to stay away from this very high risk action and another person isn't? Is there something about the person who engages in this high risk action that is part of his nature?
Is he hedonistic by nature? I mean if this was pot and the occasional bump of coke or hit of ecstasy, I wouldn't be freaking. But heroin AND meth? I've dated some people with histories that could be considered "colorful," but that kind of regular, hardcore drug usage would be a huge huge huge red flag for me.
I think you need to consider his current behavior (how stable it is), how long it's been since he did any hard drugs, whether he's been to rehab, what his habits are now, etc.
I know there are some people who use drugs pretty regularly and never end up getting addicted, but I've never heard of anything to that degree. I also wonder what kind of void he was trying to fill or problem he was avoiding. I dated a guy in college who used a pretty wide variety of drugs - nice, sweet guy, but he was an alcoholic with severe mental health problems. I'd say that all the drinking and the wide variety of drugs he used (I was young and naive, and probably didn't realize the extent) were largely his way of coping with his bipolar-type issues.
I'd move on for that stuff as well. Unless other person has their own baggage from the past, then I guess they'd accept it. Otherwise - no way. I always go with the logic that I'm not someone's "chance that someone else doesn't want to offer", etc. That's childish, dangerous and self-destructive behavior. This way you cut most of potential trouble.
He has told me before that it was all just fun and experimenting, but I agree that these other drugs are not your regular "try for fun" type drugs and I told him I thought he was covering up a larger issue. He claims he's not. He is still is contact with one of his friends from before and he recently messaged him about wanting to do acid. And the conversation I was around was him around some people at a party we were at just talking about their own experiences doing those drugs. I told him I was not play with it and he has told me that I shouldn't judge him for his past, and I should be the one to understand him. I guess I feel like a downer because I've never even done drugs besides weed and that's only a few times.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We are very much in love and see a definite future with each other. Ofcourse we both have our quirks and a past that does not include each other, especially because he is 8 years older than me. I have been struggling recently with the fact that while me and my boyfriend were not together he used very hard drugs on a regular basis such as cocaine, heroine, meth, ketamine, ecstasy, acid,etc the list goes on and on. I haven't seen any present drug use but somehow it still upsets me. I was dating someone before him who was very well into drugs and it ruined his life and our relationship. Although my boyfriend now shows no signs of using drugs I can't help but get upset every single time he talks about it with someone else. So do I have even a little bit of a right to be upset? Am I blowing this out of proportion ? How can I overcome my feelings ??
Hard drug use in the past? That's a deal breaker for me.
Once an addict, always an addict. He'll be a recovering addict all of his life.
He wants to try acid? Then he is not finished with using drugs. And then he tops it off by convincing you that you are unreasonable?
OP, seriously, you have chosen 2 men who use hard drugs. Get yourself into counseling and learn why you do this, so you can stop doing it. Make that triply important if either of your parents was an alcoholic or a drug user. If that was so, look for an Adult Children Of Alcoholics support group.
He has told me before that it was all just fun and experimenting, but I agree that these other drugs are not your regular "try for fun" type drugs and I told him I thought he was covering up a larger issue. He claims he's not.
That sounds like he doesn't know yet what the issue was. That's a problem, because it means he has not addressed the issue.
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He is still is contact with one of his friends from before and he recently messaged him about wanting to do acid.
You bf wanted to, or the friend wanted to?
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And the conversation I was around was him around some people at a party we were at just talking about their own experiences doing those drugs.
Most folks I know experimented with pot and hallucinogens decades ago, but NOT addictive drugs like heroin and cocaine. But it hardly ever comes up in conversation. Maybe once in several years, at the most. 5 or 10 is more likely.
If he is talking about it more often than that, then he has not lost interest in drugs.
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I told him I was not play with it and he has told me that I shouldn't judge him for his past, and I should be the one to understand him. I guess I feel like a downer because I've never even done drugs besides weed and that's only a few times.
So, he makes you feel bad for being who you are, for feeling how you feel. This is at least as big a red flag as the drug stuff and the unaddressed issues, IMO. The three together mean: do not marry him.
Once an addict, always an addict. He'll be a recovering addict all of his life.
He wants to try acid? Then he is not finished with using drugs. And then he tops it off by convincing you that you are unreasonable?
OP, seriously, you have chosen 2 men who use hard drugs. Get yourself into counseling and learn why you do this, so you can stop doing it. Make that triply important if either of your parents was an alcoholic or a drug user. If that was so, look for an Adult Children Of Alcoholics support group.
He is still is contact with one of his friends from before and he recently messaged him about wanting to do acid.
And the conversation I was around was him around some people at a party we were at just talking about their own experiences doing those drugs. I told him I was not okay with it and he has told me that I shouldn't judge him for his past, and I should be the one to understand him.
First thing: Huge red flag. Still hangs out with people who do drugs and who encourage him to do drugs (whether or not he says yes right now.) Chooses to be around people who actively influence him in a negative way.
Second thing: Still talks about drugs like it's a cool thing, or something to share experiences about, rather than something that was a mistake that he never wants to repeat.
Bottom line: this to me would be less about his past and more about his current choices not indicating that the drug use IS just in the past. No matter what, he would have a hard road ahead to keep from doing drugs over a lifetime if he was into that much stuff. If he's actively taking steps that make it much easier to fall into those old patterns? Clearly he doesn't see this as a problem.
If you are okay being with someone who will likely do drugs again at some point: stay. If that's not okay with you, I'd get out.
What Checkered said. Reminiscence can become a slippery slope. Unless he's in an NA meeting, there's no need for this discussion in the general public. It's like any guy talking any time about a woman he had been with while dating someone new. It's history, you can't go back (unless you really want to, then it's like swallowing vomit). BTW, IMO, for that spread of chemical delicacies, he must have been trying to hide or avoid something monstrous. There may be something bigger that he's hiding from his past. What does he not talk about or in what domain does he not function?
No one does that level (breadth) of pharmacopeia just for experimentation, a little dabbling. They typically do it to try to fix a huge failing. Watch this one. Relapse looms big for such an individual as this. Persons who seem clean wind up on the M. E.'s slab in their fifties and early sixties, OD'd on major stuff off the street. Many just learn to look cleaner, doesn't mean they've kicked it. And when you are in your fifties and sixties, the habit's so ingrained, you just take the stuff with your Geritol and little blue pill. It's only one more dose.
This. All the couples I've known where one partner had a history of alcohol or drug abuse ended up breaking up after a relapse. In some cases, the guys were still secretly using. In one case, he wasn't, but the stress of an unexpected business failure caused a relapse. And it's also a good point that it's usually unresolved psychological baggage that causes someone to abuse drugs or alcohol in the first place. So there may be hidden baggage, OP. There could also be hidden drug use.
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