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Old 08-16-2013, 10:03 AM
6,145 posts, read 6,867,980 times
Reputation: 6578


Originally Posted by OdysseusNY View Post
which is exactly why my first advice to him was to try not to care (aka work it out in a way with yourself so you're comfortable with it), and why i don't think he should say anything my second advice was to simply try to adjust how he ate around her. at no point did i suggest he call her a heifer

so much of this thread have been various rephrasings of "you shouldn't care in the first place / this is completely not an issue and you are a jerk for even noticing or wanting to discuss it on a forum with other people" which is why i decided to make a case

the last thing men need are even more suggestions to keep things to ourselves or pretend they don't matter. we get this from before we learn to walk. it's not quite as ubiquitous as pressure on body image is for women, but almost. one poster even told him to "man up". wtf that has to do with anything here, i don't know
I'm not saying he's a jerk, but to post that she would be perfect if she would just lose 10 pounds and go back to being 110 comes across as a little jerkish to me. I was way past puberty and pretty much had my body shape at 19, but that's clearly not the case for every woman. His definition of perfection for her may not be realistic and if he's okay with that, fine. If he's not okay with that, maybe she's not the right girl for him.

I don't know if he loves her or how much, that's for him to decide. I guess I just can't relate, because I love my husband and if he gained 10 pounds it wouldn't change that or lessen my attraction. I loved him before when he was heavier, I love him at the weight he is now, and if he chooses to lose more it still won't change how I feel about him.

That said, I would be concerned if he completely lets himself go and starts gaining a bunch of weight. I hope he would be concerned about me if I were to do the same. From what the OP has stated so far, it doesn't sound like that's the case with his girlfriend, so he should probably just let it go and accept the fact that he can't control what she does. He'd be better off maintaining as healthy a lifestyle as possible and encouraging her to do the same and give her the support she needs. As he said, he could continue to eat more of his calories when he's not around her so that it's easier for her to not overeat with him. Make healthier choices when dining out and skip dessert. Instead of worrying about what the number on the scale might become, he should pay attention to her habits and if she starts doing things that are destructive to her health and well-being, speak up then.

The OP is still young. One day he just might find that life has some little surprises in store.
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:41 AM
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,944 posts, read 14,423,107 times
Reputation: 30075
All this talk about weight and food is making me hungry for some KFC: Original recipe with wedges, mash-p/gravy, buttered biscuits and coleslaw drizzled over the chicken. yumzzz

ten pounds aint sh_t, i eat that in one sitting. lol
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:49 AM
Location: Europe
2,730 posts, read 2,294,380 times
Reputation: 4194
He is free to gain weight or not. It is not my problem.
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:50 AM
12,538 posts, read 13,553,540 times
Reputation: 28945
Originally Posted by lmw36 View Post
"Honey, if you are upset with the way you look and not feeling confident, let's do something about it. I want you to feel happy when YOU look in the mirror. If you want to lose a few pounds, I'd love to help you get there and work out with you. Let's start cooking healthy together, heck, I need it too!"


When my boyfriend and I talk about body image/weight, This is how we talk. It's sincere. My boyfriend was jacked when I met him. He has gone through weight gains of 20 pounds during grad school, down to being a leaner runner now. We have conversations about HEALTH and balance. Neither of us is overweight or UNHEALTHY. We both swore to the other if the other got overweight, we would be supportive in getting the weight off. It's for our health, seriously. We encourage each other to have balanced diets and exercise. If one of us falls off the wagon we help the other get back on. Nobody is perfect.

I think it's hilarious people don't know how to address this. My boyfriend also isn't going through puberty anymore. Neither am I.

If you are not attracted to your wife because she is physically unhealthy, as her husband, you have a right to be concerned about her health. There are ways to address health without calling her a "heffer" as the OP so lovingly calls overweight people.
Twenty-five pounds in either direction doesn't change anything for my SO and me. I've been with him through his injuries, he's been with me through mine.

The only way to address this is if she complains about her weight, herself. If she grumbles about it, then he only needs to address it exactly as you said, by noting that she seems to be unhappy with it and that he's willing to help her. Not that he noticed it and wants her to do something about it, which would just be him being a douche.

Believe me, if someone complains about their weight, over and over and over again, I'll eventually tell them what's what. I have a relative who complains about her weight, yet eats a lot of junk, is obstinate about labels (hey, that movie-size box of Goobers has three servings, not one, so you are eating 750 calories, not 250), and refuses to work out. I finally did get sick of hearing about it and the last time she complained about it, I said flat-out, "So do something about it."

She hasn't complained about it since, to me at least. But I sure as heck wasn't about to say, "Hey, getting chunky there, are ya?" Because that would make me a beyotch.

Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
But again, what you do and what you look like has no bearing on her and how she lives her life. You're with an autonomous human being, not a lump of clay that you get to mold to your specifications. She is how she is.

Similarly, if a vegetarian dates a meat-eater, she has no right to demand that he also give up meat. Maybe he'll go meatless sometimes, but being a vegetarian is her thing, not his.
Yep. My SO can eat all the meat he wants. He actually has cut back, not only because I don't cook it (so that's definitely at least one less meal with meat per week), but for health reasons, what with pink slime, antibiotics, GMOs, the filthy conditions the animals live in, etc. I'm sure between his cousin, his brother (an omnivore, but one who is concerned about additives, hormones, etc.), and me "liking" pages on FB and sharing news stories, some of his knowledge came through that, but I certainly don't preach to him about it. It's all his decision, and honestly? He looks better for it. He's lost the weight he gained while he was out injured, he's been working out, and he looks pretty smokin' hot. Even his skin looks healthier--smoother. He's getting that velvet-over-steel feel about him.

Originally Posted by OdysseusNY View Post
i do disagree, a good dietitian would use fat calipers or that electric-conductivity tool to determine body fat % rather than use BMI

a professional who uses BMI in a one-on-one consult is lazy or rushed or uninformed
Of course. But we're not talking about one-on-one consults here. The person who brought it up was speaking in general terms, which is reasonable for a general message board and not a forum of physicians and dietitians. If you called them up and interviewed them for an article, they will tell you what I said: It's a good guide, but it has its limitations such as for athletes, muscular people, and even very thin people because it is indeed possible to be thin and have too much fat on your body. BMI does not account for body fat. No one is disputing that here.

Originally Posted by Dewdrop93 View Post
Exactly. I don't feel hostile. Their situation has no effect on me at all. I think the OP is just not happy with what he is hearing and so lashing out at everyone.
I do, because I've seen what railroading healthy young women over their weight can do. She's 19, barely out of adolescence. If she's confident, she'll tell him to shut his mouth. But how many young women are that confident of their bodies? As others said, this kind of thing can lend itself to a complex. Then again, it may backfire on him. Often, when women work out a lot, they feel good and strong, and women who feel good and strong tend not to take a lot of garbage from men.

Plus, yes, it rankles the feminist in me. He comes off like it's his girlfriend's role in life to be eye candy for him and shaped by him, and that taps into the whole notion that women were put on this earth to be aesthetically appealing to men and that our bodies are theirs to control and critique.

Originally Posted by Jan Alaska View Post
Its a control issue, he likes that she doesn't work and that he can provide for her and in return she shops, cooks and cleans for him. If he controls everything else in her life why wouldn't he want to control her weight ? Added to this he says if she wasn't with him she would be sleeping on her mothers couch ???? she didn't have her own room at her parents home ? so now she *HAS* to feel obligated to him to keep a roof over her head etc.

At 24/25 OP has a lot of growing up to do or as has been previously stated he'll find himself as a 50yr old beefcake still chasing skirt half his age looking for 'perfect' when hes long past it.

More brawn than brains if you ask me.
I agree. I even wonder if he has his own battles with his body. And no one will ever convince me that eating three pounds of meat a day is a good thing. He's young, but eventually he's going to need a bottle of magnesium citrate and a dang suction machine just to drop a deuce.

Originally Posted by OdysseusNY View Post
i wish people would stop tossing around how she is 19 as if it necessarily mitigates it. this is many years after puberty when her metabolism is very high. the age is a red herring. almost everyone i knew who was 19 who gained weight did so because they were sad and depressed at college, adjusting to a new environment. it wasn't natural or healthy at all. you aren't a child at 19. yes some people's bodies are still changing, but some people just gain some bad weight
She's barely out of adolescence. In general, women's bodies DO change in their early 20s, especially if they were very thin before. It's natural, because you need a certain amount of fat to be fertile and gestate a fetus. People are mentioning it here because apparently he doesn't understand women's bodies, and he really shouldn't be surprised at any of this.

And, if you notice, her gain does not make her overweight. That is the issue here. He's complaining about something solely because of a number. Maybe I missed it, but he hasn't even answered the question of whether her clothes are getting snug. He said it was part muscle, part fat. Well, hey, if the fat is in the booty--which we don't know--he should just get over the fact that his girlfriend is no longer a girl and is instead a woman.

Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
She knows she's gained weight, so why the need to tell her something she already knows? There simply isn't a need for you to say anything at all.
Originally Posted by SD4020 View Post
What bothers me the most about this thread is the the implication that a persons worth is contingent on their weight.
Aye, aye, yep, yep.
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:53 AM
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,944 posts, read 14,423,107 times
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Hey, H Dan, "what if" your gf politely suggest you lose 20-30lbs because she feels you'd look better lean. What would you tell her?
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:58 AM
Location: Katonah, NY
21,188 posts, read 22,551,927 times
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Originally Posted by DetroitHustlesHarder View Post
Maybe not their worth, but their sexual attractiveness most definetely is and that's a HUGE part of a relationship in your twenties. Furthermore, if someone displays the personality type to gain weight while single, you already have a good idea what marriage, work, and couple kids is gonna do.
Did you read any of the posts? She works out a lot. She isn't sitting on the couch popping potato chips.
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:59 AM
Location: Glasgow, uk
2,387 posts, read 2,962,254 times
Reputation: 1589
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
Hey, H Dan, "what if" your gf politely suggest you lose 20-30lbs because she feels you'd look better lean. What would you tell her?

What if she wanted you to lose some muscle because she preferred lean guys not muscle bound beef cakes?
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Old 08-16-2013, 11:02 AM
Location: Pittsburgh
25,227 posts, read 27,209,299 times
Reputation: 58261
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
Hey, H Dan, "what if" your gf politely suggest you lose 20-30lbs because she feels you'd look better lean. What would you tell her?
Or, what would he say if his girlfriend thought that he was spending too much time in the gym and that she didn't think that his diet (5000 calories a day? several pounds of meat?) was healthy. I doubt he'd be all, "you're right, baby, I'll change everything for you."
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Old 08-16-2013, 11:06 AM
3,552 posts, read 4,742,240 times
Reputation: 3749
Thanks for all the post everyone. I only get on my computer from work and have a 3 day weekend so I cant reply to all these posts. It is nice to see the discussions getting a bit more reasonable.

It's not a huge deal I just thought I would ask opinions. It has zero to do with controlling. I asked her if she felt controlled and she about died laughing and said if anything shes the controlling one. We get along great so there's really no issue with our relationship as I have stated a million times. We both carry our own.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 2
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