Starting Over- completely blindsided. Advice? (marriages, attracted, young, separated)

[EuroExpat]

OP, first of all, hugs! I'm in the same boat, except we were married for 10 years, together for 13. I moved across the world to be with him. We have two children. There is a lot to be said about someone who leaves their family.. It's great that you're finishing your degree! One of the first thoughts that crossed my mind after finding out about husband's affair and realizing he was not even willing to try to work things out with me, was that thank goodness I have my education and career. Stay strong.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by New-beginning

Sorry I haven't been here in awhile. We told our children and they were devastated.

I'm not going to engage with those who suggest I should have known or am a women who spends my time at gym all day and activity clubs. This is furthest from the truth.

Good call. I really feel for you having to deal with telling children; that's one thing I did not have to do. I did go back to my home state to visit family in the immediate aftermath, though, and one of the most healing things for me was getting to spend time with my young niece and nephews. However, it was also hard, because the oldest nephew, who was four at the time, truly loved my ex, as did my family overall, and although my brother had clearly coached him that "Aunt TabulaRasa will be here, but Uncle [guy] won't, and, since he's pretty advanced, kind of rudimentally explained to him that we weren't "friends" anymore," it was still hard. He would snuggle up on my lap and say, "Are you sad? Don't be sad. Maybe uncle [guy] is sad, too." Um, not so much. But this was a child who only saw my ex a handful of times in his life, and it was bad enough.

I appreciate all the support, which is why I came here. We are trying to work a deal to get through this. It is fair and generous in parts. But by no way, I am taking him to the cleaners. That's not who I am. My children will be more than provided for and I will have some time to get a higher education and get back out to the work force.

Good for you. This seems legit.

The advice of taking a day at time is great. I think I thought I could compartmentalize my emotions enough to get through this, and I am learning that's not realistic. A wave of emotions came over me yesterday. After telling the kids this weekend it was horrible. My oldest is very upset and my two other children are too young to grasp what is going on.

Yeah, the compartmentalizing never works. Now that a ton of time has passed, I don't get overcome by random waves, but that was a long time coming.

I spoke with my children's teachers to make sure they are aware of the situation and to help with the transition my children are going to face.

I am mourning the loss of a partner, best friend and a life after 17 years. I am worried about my husband who seems to have taken a path that isn't him. I spoke with his family again and we are concerned about the road he is taking. This breaks my heart. They feel powerless as do I.

Honestly, I think the utter powerlessness was hands down the worst part. To be rejected by someone you've spent years with, and with no real warning that it was coming, it feels like somebody grabbed the world you live in, shook it around, threw it against a wall, and let it roll upside down on the floor. The feeling of having absolutely no control over how my life was unfolding was the absolute worst for me. It was terrifying. Not the loss of a partner (any and all romantic attachment to him died for me the instant I read through the lines and saw what had been going on, as far as infidelity, and any and all respect for him or empathy I might have eventually had for him as a human being was squashed the day he threw our dog in a shelter's cage because he, too, "didn't fit the life [he] want[ed] for himself."). He wasn't my partner, and I felt horribly stupid for ever having thought he really was, for having been fooled. I wish I could say I mourned my best friend, but I quickly came to realize he had not, in fact, been my best friend. He had been someone who needed something from me for as long as he felt it was worthwhile for me to provide it. He wasn't my friend, sadly. That mourning was short-lived, if it was ever alive at all, but the sheer "rug being jerked out from under me," "you lied to me" powerlessness was the most horrific part of the entire experience. Feeling like you've been victimized, and it's your fault because you were stupid to trust someone in the first place (not saying you feel that way, but I absolutely did) was the worst.

My ex's family is its own crappy, gross, sad story all unto itself, and the root of most of my ex's problems coping with life, but they were split, I'm sure. I really only talked to his mother in the aftermath (well, his brother's crazy girlfriend, who was on-again, off-again at the time kept contacting me, but it was really only to ****-stir and try to pump me for information to feed back to the family, so I cut that off). His mom and I were always close and continue to be friendly, though I've had to put up some distance for my own good...but the rest of his family are people I am very glad to be shed of. His father, stepmother, paternal side, etc. were likely huge contributing factors in everything he was dissatisfied with in his life, with his father and stepmother being the biggest cheerleaders in his infidelity (they are a serial adulterer/homewrecker combo themselves and find it all very entertaining). At first, I was stunned at my ex taking a road that wasn't him, and his mother about lost her mind with sadness and worry...she and I talked many nights about how she didn't understand his choices, didn't understand the influences he was under, how her heart was broken, etc. But over time, I did realize that the road he was on WAS, in fact, him, and his time with me had been the charade.

I was able to get my children to see a therapist immediately the next day after we told the kids. This is going to be a long road ahead.

Good deal. I wrestled with whether or not to go the therapy route for myself, especially early on...just so much was on my plate.

I appreciate the words of support and advice. Congratulations to those who have gotten past somehting similar and have found happiness again, that is wonderful.

Truly, until I found out about five months later that I had a breast tumor, which demoted anything whatsoever to do with my ex to laughably trivial, it was the most horrifying and crushing experience of my life...but I got through it. I was terrified at the time that I wasn't strong enough, even though I kept saying that I was. But I got through it. The best part was that I realized more vividly than ever before that the people in my life were more than just casual acquaintances. Since I had relocated for my ex, and was building a new life, I was scared that my friends were pretty acquaintance-y, and that I would have nobody I could lean on. But the outpouring of support, especially from those who had been 'our' friends, and who were equally horrified at his actions, took my breath away. I did NOT realize how many people I had in my corner, and that was truly humbling. I no longer felt like a victim, I just felt pity for a sad, poorly adjusted young man who will never fully grasp how to be happy, and will never have a life full of good people, like I do, because he chooses bad people and shallow pursuits. Happiness will come, because you know how to attain it. I wish you strength, and my hope for you is that you don't spend even the small amount of time I did on berating yourself for foolishly trusting. In the end, I came to peace with the reality that I was with my ex out of love and respect, and I can't apologize for that, even if it wasn't deserved. I came at things for the right reasons, regardless of whether or not he did. I hope you achieve the same personal peace.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by EuroExpat

There is a lot to be said about someone who leaves their family...

This is so very, very true. In my situation, it was 100% learned behavior. His father screwed around and ultimately walked out on his mom and kids to take up with his secretary, they married, and as soon as she had a kid, his attention wandered, and then he walked out on her for an office temp, who he will assuredly walk out on as well. Two-time loser, likely not gonna stop there. My ex only abandoned me and our poor doggie (who I couldn't take with me, relegated as I was to an apartment I had to find in very short order), but had their been children involved, they wouldn't have been a factor in his decisions or actions...I don't know that he even considers children to be human, to be honest.

My ex learned very vividly the sociopathic creed that "Do what makes you happy, live in the moment, you only have one life, so make it all about you, and too bad for anybody you hurt, that's life." Now, there's is nothing wrong with a "do what makes you happy, live in the moment, grab what you want in life because soon you'll be dead" mentality, but if you are going to choose not to consider others in your life, and don't care who you hurt with all the me-me-me, just stay single. He did, however, grow up idolizing a person who can easily look at people who love him with coldness and dispassion and contempt, and who is the consummate narcissist. Just a bad person. And this is the person who, above all others, my ex emulates with every breath he takes, and always thinks of himself as a failure for not measuring up to. Sick, Psych 101, cliche textbook stuff. But there it is.

Nothing in life was more amazing than meeting my mindblowingly steafast, noble, and dedicated fiance in the wake of five years with a horribly insecure manchild with daddy issues. It was like,"Wow...here's a man." Eye-opener, for sure. It's like I had totally forgotten that men could come so confident, secure, and happy.

One of the first thoughts that crossed my mind after finding out about husband's affair and realizing he was not even willing to try to work things out with me, was that thank goodness I have my education and career. Stay strong.

Yep. I had no interest in working things out after I became apprised of my ex's indiscretion(s), but I was absolutely so, so, so thankful that I had a good job, my education, and the means to build my own life without his presence in it. It could have been so much worse.

[New-beginning]

I had a good career years ago and could go back to work in that field, but I want to finish school, which I plan to!

I feel so stupid all the time. Obviously, you start thinking about everything and little things start to add up, but at the time they didn't and I feel incredibly stupid and foolish.

Unfortunately, at the the moment I have to communicate with him daily about the kids. The kids and I are moving out next week. Some day he nice and others, down right extremely nasty.

The level of selfishness and self centered keeps coming out and I am blown away. It's incredibly difficult because he is so nasty and I can't defend myself until everything is signed because I know him well enough to go back and revoke our agreement. I am hoping next week this will be complete. I just have to say calmly let's not argue about this please. I am usually fighting back tears under my sunglasses.

The out pouring support I have received has blown me away. I know some will fade over time, but it's a good feeling to know I am not alone, and won't be alone. I have parented the information about what going with concern about my children and not how horrible he is. I do not expect him to fall on the sword for me, but I won't trash him either. My kids deserve better, at least from their mother.

Thank you for the kinds words. I needed it today.

[Electrician4you]

After 17 years he no longer loves you and doesn't find you attractive? Lol that's the best he could come up with? Tell him fine if that's the way you feel get out. Don't try to fix it or beg plead or cajole. Most expect a fight and for the partner to be emotional and attempt to figure it out and find a reason. The reason is inconsequential. Dont try to figure it out because its simple. He found some young thing built for speed. Probably some young intern and he has to work late on getting her panties off.

Tell him to gtfo and get a lawyer before you do that. You will need the financial support to take care of the children. I've been with my wife for 20 years 18 of those married. I thought once about 10 years into it to get a divorce. Then I started laughing at the stupidity of it. Men like that give all men a bad name. And I'm a man. Having a loving wife great kids good job and a good home is the epitome of happiness. Throwing it all away over some **** is the epitome of stupid. Eventually he will figure out what he lost. Just about th time his built for speed flame finds a younger guy who is more fun. Your husband is a idiot.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by New-beginning

I feel so stupid all the time. Obviously, you start thinking about everything and little things start to add up, but at the time they didn't and I feel incredibly stupid and foolish.

No, no, no, no, just no. Don't get into that cycle. It's not stupid to trust someone who professes to care for you. I would rather spend my life being "stupid" like that than being hard, cynical, and untrusting. I don't want to be naive, but I also am not about to sacrifice my tenderhearted, caring spirit, and I don't think you should, either.

Unfortunately, at the the moment I have to communicate with him daily about the kids. The kids and I are moving out next week. Some day he nice and others, down right extremely nasty.

Yeah, that sucks. My ex was the same...one day, it was relative tenderness and "I know this comes as a blow. I'll help you in any way I can. You can stay as long as you need to get things sorted out," to abruptly changing to "Get out of my house and stop hijacking my life...I want you gone." But that was directly attributable to a parent pulling the puppet strings, much as with everything else in their life.

It would be so much better for you if you did not need to maintain constant contact, but unfortunately, that's the way it is.

The level of selfishness and self centered keeps coming out and I am blown away. It's incredibly difficult because he is so nasty and I can't defend myself until everything is signed because I know him well enough to go back and revoke our agreement. I am hoping next week this will be complete. I just have to say calmly let's not argue about this please. I am usually fighting back tears under my sunglasses.

That was me, too. The unforeseen level of cruelty was like being repeatedly punched in the stomach. It was like "Who ARE you? Do I even KNOW you?" I had to stay in the house for a couple of weeks while I lined up new housing, but we made a point to never be there at the same time unless we were asleep. I would be gone before he got up, and he would come in from ostensibly his mistress's place after I was asleep for the night, for the most part. We just stayed in opposite ends of the house for those couple of hellish weeks. I couldn't say any of the things I wanted to say, though, because even though I had taken over his car payment and paid off his vehicle so that he could buy himself a new Jeep a year or so previously, he had not yet signed the title over to me, and with his dreadful father influencing him so much to actively screw me over for reasons inexplicable, I figured it was only a matter of time before he took the car I'd paid off away. So I had to wait until all the title transfer was completed to not feel huge anxiety and eggshell walking. Again, so glad there was no joint homeownership or kids to contend with.

The out pouring support I have received has blown me away. I know some will fade over time, but it's a good feeling to know I am not alone, and won't be alone. I have parented the information about what going with concern about my children and not how horrible he is. I do not expect him to fall on the sword for me, but I won't trash him either. My kids deserve better, at least from their mother.

This was a big thing for me, overall.

I had been stripped of essentially everything, so the one thing that was important to me was that I take the high road, and keep my dignity in the fact of severe, embarrassing indignity. Nobody wants to be the cliche, the woman whose wandering-eye partner takes up with the help at work. Nobody wants to feel that they were lied to for ages. I made a point never to trash him to our mutual acquaintances, even though most of them felt free to trash him for me. I figured, at least I can stay classy, even if that ship has long sailed, for him.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by Electrician4you

After 17 years he no longer loves you and doesn't find you attractive? Lol that's the best he could come up with? Tell him fine if that's the way you feel get out. Don't try to fix it or beg plead or cajole. Most expect a fight and for the partner to be emotional and attempt to figure it out and find a reason.

True. I know my ex's dad was coaching him the whole way, with lots of "Don't let her guilt trip you into staying...stay strong...she'll probably beg you to reconsider," etc. Which only goes to show how a. little he knew me, and b. how inexplicably vain both he and his son were. Um, beg? Plead? Say, "Please come back to me?" Oh, hell, no...that wasn't happening. I'm sure his dad liked to think that it would. But, no. Just no. Sorry, guy, you're not that big a deal.

I was absolutely emotional. There was no way not to be, in light of being lied to. But it was anger and outrage at being mistreated, not "I want you back" emotionality. And I did want to know a reason. It wasn't inconsequential to me. I know the reason itself didn't actually matter, but the simple idea of him owning up to his dishonest, shoddy actions was important to me. I knew I hadn't done anything to be treated with such disregard and cruelty. I wanted to hear him say it, though...that it wasn't anything I'd done, that it was just his own issues and selfishness. But in the end, I knew that anyway, with or without him owning up to it.

The reasons were simple, and all rooted back to the same things that caused all the problems in his life...he's an unhappy person who expects others to be the magic bullet for his own elusive happiness, and is devastated when that doesn't happen, because he doesn't get that you make your own happiness. He is a person who will go through his entire life going through the motions of what he's "supposed" to do, and being miserable inside.

Tell him to gtfo and get a lawyer before you do that. You will need the financial support to take care of the children. I've been with my wife for 20 years 18 of those married. I thought once about 10 years into it to get a divorce. Then I started laughing at the stupidity of it. Men like that give all men a bad name. And I'm a man. Having a loving wife great kids good job and a good home is the epitome of happiness. Throwing it all away over some **** is the epitome of stupid. Eventually he will figure out what he lost. Just about th time his built for speed flame finds a younger guy who is more fun. Your husband is a idiot.

I doubt my ex will ever do the "I realize what I lost" thing, because the truth is, he's not a person with much depth of character, and he never valued it to begin with. I predict that he will do what his dad has done...spend life always looking for the next best thing that will maybe make you happy, and never appreciate the life you have. Better him than me. I get to be happy, now.

I hate that all these lessons were learned at the expense of five years of my life getting tossed down a rabbit hole...but better learned than not learned.

[Electrician4you]

I'm sorry to hear what is happening. Hey look at it this way. at least you weren't coming home from overseas duty one week early walking into your apartment and finding your GF and a superior officer in bed doing the best impression of the beast with two backs. Couldn't punch him cause he was a superior and won't hit women. I just got drunk instead and dumped her. Moved on.

Hope you have a great ending to this bad episode if your life. You sound like a really decent lady and will find a man who will cherish you. I still think your husband is a idiot. My wife's ex saw her at some get together and I could tell he was in that look at what I lost state of mind. Believe me eventually he will regret what he is doing now.

[New-beginning]

Electrician,
Well that could of been worse, I guess.
I appreciate the nice words. Things will be much better in a week when I can move out. Packing 17 years of memories together has been very rough. As I packed he watched. I cried because of all the memories. He mad a comment, "I can't remember any good ones in 10 years!" I asked about our children, etc. he then said, " a few good moments, but that's it".

He could write a book on how to destroy a woman's self esteem.

[TabulaRasa]

I just don't get why it's considered necessary to do that. Enough damage has already been done...why is it necessary to kick a person while down? And why is there so much anger and cruelty coming from the party who is doing the leaving?