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I have not read all the replies, and I'm sure this thread has made a few turns and twists since the OP.
I am sure that during your 17 year relationship with your husband, that every single day has not been roses. There are always conflicts and difficulties in a marriage, the so-called "ups and downs".
To say that this event 'blindsided" you is naive. You know perfectly well why this happened. You are simply avoiding the facts for your own personal reasons.
If I had to guess, I would say that your husband felt badly emasculated and felt as though he was never in control of his own life. You were so busy being the perfect wife and mother, and being so incredibly busy with your clubs and commitments that you probably ignored the heck out of him and made him feel like a stranger in his own house.
Most likely, his new female companion dotes on his every word and makes him feel like a man. He feels strong, powerful, in control and appreciated. Since I do not know you personally, I cannot but speculate that this was NEVER the type of relationship that you had and something that he has always wanted. I could be wrong, of course.
Best of luck with your future. It's tough being a single mother.
20yrsinBranson
Lol so now being a good wife and mother is somehow a bad thing?
To say that this event 'blindsided" you is naive. You know perfectly well why this happened. You are simply avoiding the facts for your own personal reasons.
If I had to guess, I would say that your husband felt badly emasculated and felt as though he was never in control of his own life. You were so busy being the perfect wife and mother, and being so incredibly busy with your clubs and commitments that you probably ignored the heck out of him and made him feel like a stranger in his own house.
Most likely, his new female companion dotes on his every word and makes him feel like a man. He feels strong, powerful, in control and appreciated. Since I do not know you personally, I cannot but speculate that this was NEVER the type of relationship that you had and something that he has always wanted. I could be wrong, of course.
20yrsinBranson
Oh, my...this reminds me so much of my own situation. I was willing to make the sacrifice to be a one-income family, but I was so busy trying to manage two high strung children and a house by myself, I ignored the heck out of my husband.
His new female companion (whom he worked with) doted on his every word and made him feel like a man all right. She doted when he said "Let's have another round" and he felt appreciated when she thanked him for mowing 10 acres of her lawn when he couldn't find time to mow our .25 acre lot. Unfortunately, he may have felt like he was powerful and in control, but he wasn't. She was.
She created the situation and she was welcome to him because he was weak. Then she squeezed him so tight he squirted right out her hand and into the arms of his dream girl: one with no opinions of her own.
So yes, we should have had an iron clad pre-nup to protect ME from taking HIM to the cleaners. Because I made HIM feel badly emascualted.
Lol so now being a good wife and mother is somehow a bad thing?
Never.
But being a manic control freak often overwhelms people and makes them, effectively "give up", on the relationship. It sounds to me like the OP was a little over the top and was so caught up in her own world of sacrifice that she might have overlooked the obvious. It happens quite a lot actually.
Her husband asked her to give things up. She was not the one too busy. Did you not actually read her post. He was the one who became too busy to be a good husband.
I have not read all the replies, and I'm sure this thread has made a few turns and twists since the OP.
I am sure that during your 17 year relationship with your husband, that every single day has not been roses. There are always conflicts and difficulties in a marriage, the so-called "ups and downs".
Best of luck with your future. It's tough being a single mother.
Wow and just wow. This hurt me too. I was blindsided too and did not see it coming. Oh maybe I kind of saw it but there was always another explanation for his behavior. It is simply not fair to say that someone must have seen it coming anyway b/c what would you do about it after a 17 year marriage. Maybe you just don't "like" the OP--that's fair enough but no reason to rip into her.
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Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
They feel they must in order to "attain" the "lifestyle" they desire. Many people live just fine on one income, but you have to be willing to make the sacrifices to do so.
Yes we did that and lived in the country while I homeschooled the girls. I'm still glad that I did, but when he left me at almost 50 my earning power was severely reduced and I doubt that I will ever make over $30K a year. When he left I was working as a teacher's asst and studying to get certified but the whole break-up set that back by several months and then the bottom fell out of the teaching job market so I only just got my first ever teaching job this fall.
So which would you have us do? Always be ready in case the husband decides that he's bored with our PTO mom status and be employed, or live on one income and make the sacrifices to do so, but be totally vulnerable when he decides that he's bored with our PTO mom status? Because I feel that you're talking it up both ways here.
Direct me to the post that contains her husband's side of the story, and I will be glad to read it.
20yrsinBranson
She's not here bashing her husband or asking who was right or wrong, she's simply here because she's devastated and wanting a little support through a tough time. Now is not the time to go throwing around all the possible things she might have done differently or speculating that it's her fault.
Along with my previous post to help the OP get through this, one thing that really helped me move on was this...
I had the biggest garage sale for miles and miles around. I sold everything. Once I was convinced that the marriage was over, everything went out into the driveway with a price tag. I had a 3200sqft house which I emptied out and wholesaled everything. People came from several counties away because of my newspaper ad. It was exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I sold the house too and my boys and I started over in a small apartment modestly furnished and outfitted with the proceeds of the garage sale.
Starting over fresh was one of the best and most scary decisions I made, but it eliminated all those objects with memories and attachments from my married life, simplified my life enormously and allowed me to start fresh and not dwell on unimportant memories.
Her husband asked her to give things up. She was not the one too busy. Did you not actually read her post. He was the one who became too busy to be a good husband.
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I quit school and put him through school, worked very hard for years, bought our first two properties on my own income, I took a back seat and supported his dreams and career. He strongly wanted me not to work.
I can't help but wonder, during this time, how many times he had to cook his own dinner. Husbands like to have wives around. Maybe it might have been better to live in an apartment and forego the need to prove how incredibly hard working the op was. Especially since he voiced his preference to have her NOT work. How do you suppose he felt when, not only did she NOT stop working, but apparently worked 24/7 to prove what a poor provider he was?
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He hasn't been to a grocery store in 3 years, or bought clothes in 4! I've done all kid's appointments and activities on my own. I've kept an immaculate home, hosted colleague dinners, parties, etc.
I don't suppose it occurred to the OP that he might LIKE to go to the grocery store once in a while? Or even (heaven forefend!) purchase his VERY OWN CLOTHING? Wow, talk about a control freak. I suppose that she bought his clothes because she didn't like the way he looked. Yessir, that's the way to have a strong and happy marriage, all right.
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I am tall, thin, fit and fun.
Fit? Really? I suppose the OP spends a lot of time at the gym or working out or jogging to be fit. More time spent away from the husband. I wonder if she bothered to play golf with him? Oh, no that's too boring, she wants to do what SHE wants to do, not what he wants to do. Well, betcha his new honey likes to spend time with HIM. Ya think?
There is A LOT MORE to this story than we are hearing, believe me.
What is wrong with you? Is there a reason you seem so determined to take the OP down a peg or two in advocating for someone unknown person who was not even being bashed? Do you have some strange axe to grind with the OP? She posted asking for advice on starting over, and for some strange reason, you've come to weigh in on what was whose fault, when that wasn't even the topic of the thread. You're pretty off topic, and your vitriol makes no sense, nor is it warranted. I wonder why you seem so hellbent on making this thread into something it's not.
All of the points 20yrs is making are perfectly valid possibilities, but the OP didn't ask anyone to deconstruct her marriage. Of course she played a part in the demise of her marriage, but that isn't what this thread is about. Its about how she can start her life over again after a devastating event.
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