Fight for the relationship? (boyfriend, marriage, guys, love)
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My ex-boyfriend (29) and I (25) were together for 9 months, until he broke up with me 3 months ago.
We fell insanely in love from the first moment and rushed into a serious relationship way too fast. Just two months after meeting each other I moved in with him (I know, too early). He lived in another city than I and the moment was perfect because I had just finished my studies at that time.
The first time was perfect, than problems arouse, mainly because of my fault. Examples- I knew right from the start that an absolute clean apartment is very important to him and that he hates when stuff lies around or the dishes are for a day in the sink. He's kinda extreme with it, but I guess that's better than the opposit. Me on the other hand, I'm clean, but also a bit chaotic and it happens that I clean the dishes the next day or my clothes lie around on the floor for a day or two. He hated it and I never really did anything to change that. Another example, I felt very lonely in the first time in his city (except of when I was with him) since I didn't have any family and friends there. I kind of blamed him for it sometimes, without actually saying it, but behaving awfully sometimes, like ignoring him for hours after a fight etc.
Our problems did NOT involve cheating, domestic violence or opposed future expectations (kids, marriage etc.). So yes, we fought more than we should have, but not because of major issues, more because we didn't seem to be able to work on our communication and our living together.
Despite of the problems, we had an amazing time, traveled a lot together, had great evenings at home, everything. We seem to harmonize on every level, personalitywise, interests, humor, attraction.
My ex-boyfriend then broke up with me after he met my mother for the first time (my parents visited us for 4 days). My mother has always had some psychological problems, but I didn't expect her to show them in THAT way to my boyfriend. She freaked out, screamed, cried, behaved in the worst way you can imagine. When they left my ex and I had another stupid fight and he broke up with me saying that we have too many problems and that he is also scared that one day I'll be like my mother.
I moved out and we weren't in contact for two full months. Then he started texting me again and after a while we met up (two weeks ago). Everything was wonderful, like if we had never been apart. I tried though to keep the distance, trying to be friends with him, I already had given him up and tried to move on, although I was still crazy in love with him. He was the one who then pulled me towards him and kissed me. On the first day we met again. We spent two amazing days together, full of love, talks etc., but not even once about our breakup or serious things. Then I left the city for a while, when I came back the same happened. We met up, spent two amazing days together, kissed and behaved like a couple. Still, we didn't talk about anything serious.
Then, yesterday, I told him that we have to talk about it. He said he agrees. He then said that I'm the only one for him, that he still loves me like crazy and that I make his life happier than he ever imagined. He said he enjoyed the time with me so much and his feelings for me haven't even changed a little bit. He said he was thinking a lot about me in those two months he was alone and that he started doubting his decision to break up.
But, at the same time, he still thinks about our breakup and that we just had too many problems in such a short time, that maybe a future of him and I would turn out very bad. He said there are so many points we don't harmonize and that he is still scared I could turn out to be like my mother. He said the breakup was the worst ever and he never wants to go through this again.
This was all on the phone, we agreed to meet tomorrow to have a personal talk about this.
I just don't know what to expect. He seems to want me but at the same time his rational side says not to take me back. Me for my part, I'm ready to work on myself and on our problems and rationally and emotionally I can see us being much better together if he gave us another chance. If. He's the love of my life, and yes, I can say that after one year of relationship. I've never been so much in love with anyone, so clear about a future.
What do you guys think? Is it worth it to fight for him, for our relationship? If so, what can I say to convince him to give us another chance? Or is there anything I can do at all?
By willing to meet and talk he is already giving you another chance in this relationship. Don't mess it up!
Talk about disagreements, work on solutions and stick to them. Compromise and give it a try.
Hope for the best for both of you.
Come back and tell us how it went.
I think you two can work things out. The key is, he has to work on himself as much as you work on yourself. If you are doing all the changing and adapting, it won't work.
I think you two are still learning about relationships. It might help you a lot to read some stuff on the subject, or see a couples counselor to help you build stronger communication and negotiation skills.
I highly recommend classes (usually free or very low cost) in Compassionate Communication (also called nonviolent communication), and the website or book on the 5 Love Languages, and an old book called A Fine Romance.
Relationships have predictable phases that everyone goes through. If you have not been through them before, or don't know, it can seem like something is wrong when it is not.
The first stage, the madly in love stage, lasts about 6 months. The next stage is all about negotiation, about asking yourselves what you can each live with long term. It lasts around a year, and you should both expect a lot of intense discussion and some stress. It does not mean you are not meant for each other . It does mean that you both need to listen to each other with compassion and respect when negotiating. Tell him I said this .
And yes, meeting your mom for the first time when it was a long visit and she was in a crazy phase was bad planning and bad luck :/. Oh well, sounds like he was able to move on.
PS: Don't have sex with him too soon, when you two are reconnecting. Make sure you are ready.
My ex-boyfriend (29) and I (25) were together for 9 months, until he broke up with me 3 months ago.
We fell insanely in love from the first moment and rushed into a serious relationship way too fast. Just two months after meeting each other I moved in with him (I know, too early). He lived in another city than I and the moment was perfect because I had just finished my studies at that time.
The first time was perfect, than problems arouse, mainly because of my fault. Examples- I knew right from the start that an absolute clean apartment is very important to him and that he hates when stuff lies around or the dishes are for a day in the sink. He's kinda extreme with it, but I guess that's better than the opposit. Me on the other hand, I'm clean, but also a bit chaotic and it happens that I clean the dishes the next day or my clothes lie around on the floor for a day or two. He hated it and I never really did anything to change that. Another example, I felt very lonely in the first time in his city (except of when I was with him) since I didn't have any family and friends there. I kind of blamed him for it sometimes, without actually saying it, but behaving awfully sometimes, like ignoring him for hours after a fight etc.
Our problems did NOT involve cheating, domestic violence or opposed future expectations (kids, marriage etc.). So yes, we fought more than we should have, but not because of major issues, more because we didn't seem to be able to work on our communication and our living together.
Despite of the problems, we had an amazing time, traveled a lot together, had great evenings at home, everything. We seem to harmonize on every level, personalitywise, interests, humor, attraction.
My ex-boyfriend then broke up with me after he met my mother for the first time (my parents visited us for 4 days). My mother has always had some psychological problems, but I didn't expect her to show them in THAT way to my boyfriend. She freaked out, screamed, cried, behaved in the worst way you can imagine. When they left my ex and I had another stupid fight and he broke up with me saying that we have too many problems and that he is also scared that one day I'll be like my mother.
I moved out and we weren't in contact for two full months. Then he started texting me again and after a while we met up (two weeks ago). Everything was wonderful, like if we had never been apart. I tried though to keep the distance, trying to be friends with him, I already had given him up and tried to move on, although I was still crazy in love with him. He was the one who then pulled me towards him and kissed me. On the first day we met again. We spent two amazing days together, full of love, talks etc., but not even once about our breakup or serious things. Then I left the city for a while, when I came back the same happened. We met up, spent two amazing days together, kissed and behaved like a couple. Still, we didn't talk about anything serious.
Then, yesterday, I told him that we have to talk about it. He said he agrees. He then said that I'm the only one for him, that he still loves me like crazy and that I make his life happier than he ever imagined. He said he enjoyed the time with me so much and his feelings for me haven't even changed a little bit. He said he was thinking a lot about me in those two months he was alone and that he started doubting his decision to break up.
But, at the same time, he still thinks about our breakup and that we just had too many problems in such a short time, that maybe a future of him and I would turn out very bad. He said there are so many points we don't harmonize and that he is still scared I could turn out to be like my mother. He said the breakup was the worst ever and he never wants to go through this again.
This was all on the phone, we agreed to meet tomorrow to have a personal talk about this.
I just don't know what to expect. He seems to want me but at the same time his rational side says not to take me back. Me for my part, I'm ready to work on myself and on our problems and rationally and emotionally I can see us being much better together if he gave us another chance. If. He's the love of my life, and yes, I can say that after one year of relationship. I've never been so much in love with anyone, so clear about a future.
What do you guys think? Is it worth it to fight for him, for our relationship? If so, what can I say to convince him to give us another chance? Or is there anything I can do at all?
Thanks.
The truth is, you are not good relationship material right now honey.
It's great that he loves you and sees your potential! But his gut instincts to go the other direction are valid too.
I do think it's possible in time you two could be a great couple!
But right now you need to get yourself into individual therapy. You have a lot of baggage to deal with and until you do you will not make a healthy partner.
I would suggest you focus on yourself first, then you can try again to see if the relationship can be reestablished.
My ex-boyfriend (29) and I (25) were together for 9 months, until he broke up with me 3 months ago.
We fell insanely in love from the first moment and rushed into a serious relationship way too fast. Just two months after meeting each other I moved in with him (I know, too early). He lived in another city than I and the moment was perfect because I had just finished my studies at that time.
The first time was perfect, than problems arouse, mainly because of my fault. Examples- I knew right from the start that an absolute clean apartment is very important to him and that he hates when stuff lies around or the dishes are for a day in the sink. He's kinda extreme with it, but I guess that's better than the opposit. Me on the other hand, I'm clean, but also a bit chaotic and it happens that I clean the dishes the next day or my clothes lie around on the floor for a day or two. He hated it and I never really did anything to change that. Another example, I felt very lonely in the first time in his city (except of when I was with him) since I didn't have any family and friends there. I kind of blamed him for it sometimes, without actually saying it, but behaving awfully sometimes, like ignoring him for hours after a fight etc.
Our problems did NOT involve cheating, domestic violence or opposed future expectations (kids, marriage etc.). So yes, we fought more than we should have, but not because of major issues, more because we didn't seem to be able to work on our communication and our living together.
Despite of the problems, we had an amazing time, traveled a lot together, had great evenings at home, everything. We seem to harmonize on every level, personalitywise, interests, humor, attraction.
My ex-boyfriend then broke up with me after he met my mother for the first time (my parents visited us for 4 days). My mother has always had some psychological problems, but I didn't expect her to show them in THAT way to my boyfriend. She freaked out, screamed, cried, behaved in the worst way you can imagine. When they left my ex and I had another stupid fight and he broke up with me saying that we have too many problems and that he is also scared that one day I'll be like my mother.
I moved out and we weren't in contact for two full months. Then he started texting me again and after a while we met up (two weeks ago). Everything was wonderful, like if we had never been apart. I tried though to keep the distance, trying to be friends with him, I already had given him up and tried to move on, although I was still crazy in love with him. He was the one who then pulled me towards him and kissed me. On the first day we met again. We spent two amazing days together, full of love, talks etc., but not even once about our breakup or serious things. Then I left the city for a while, when I came back the same happened. We met up, spent two amazing days together, kissed and behaved like a couple. Still, we didn't talk about anything serious.
Then, yesterday, I told him that we have to talk about it. He said he agrees. He then said that I'm the only one for him, that he still loves me like crazy and that I make his life happier than he ever imagined. He said he enjoyed the time with me so much and his feelings for me haven't even changed a little bit. He said he was thinking a lot about me in those two months he was alone and that he started doubting his decision to break up.
But, at the same time, he still thinks about our breakup and that we just had too many problems in such a short time, that maybe a future of him and I would turn out very bad. He said there are so many points we don't harmonize and that he is still scared I could turn out to be like my mother. He said the breakup was the worst ever and he never wants to go through this again.
This was all on the phone, we agreed to meet tomorrow to have a personal talk about this.
I just don't know what to expect. He seems to want me but at the same time his rational side says not to take me back. Me for my part, I'm ready to work on myself and on our problems and rationally and emotionally I can see us being much better together if he gave us another chance. If. He's the love of my life, and yes, I can say that after one year of relationship. I've never been so much in love with anyone, so clear about a future.
What do you guys think? Is it worth it to fight for him, for our relationship? If so, what can I say to convince him to give us another chance? Or is there anything I can do at all?
Thanks.
Prolly took the thread to 8 pages just for quoting this but....
You guys are not good together.
If you have a easy approach to keeping things tidy just because or maybe cause you ADD it's not good.
I live with someone like this. Home is clean & tidy....person appreciates it but then continues to drop shoes, coats, mail, lunch and the sort everywhere. Then when the place is trashed and unexpected quests arrive they are embarrassed.
Is it a lack of respect for others or are you just oblivious to you actions?
OP, after the first experience, now you two know what areas you need to work on. Instead of moving in together, maintain separate residences while you work on communication issues and trust. (That will eliminate the cleanliness issue for the time being.) And btw, many mental health issues are the result of trauma and other factors in life, they're not genetic. He shouldn't be throwing that in your face, that you're going to turn out crazy like your mother. That's ignorant and abusive.
OP, after the first experience, now you two know what areas you need to work on. Instead of moving in together, maintain separate residences while you work on communication issues and trust. (That will eliminate the cleanliness issue for the time being.) And btw, many mental health issues are the result of trauma and other factors in life, they're not genetic. He shouldn't be throwing that in your face, that you're going to turn out crazy like your mother. That's ignorant and abusive.
I'm not so sure it was "abusive" for him to express his concerns she could turn out like her mom.
And if the Mom has such significant issues, he is right to worry about signing up to be involved in such a family.
He probably could have been more diplomatic and gentle in expressing his feelings about this though, but really, all he said was he was "scared she'd end up being like her Mom"
Lose the guy. Better to lose that than your own identity.
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. It does mean that you both need to listen to each other with compassion and respect when negotiating. Tell him I said this 
