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Forget what's going on with the so-called boyfriend. You're jealous and it's making the situation worse. Just let it go. I say that because it may be little or nothing real.
Now focus on what you can fix. You're grouchy and irritable. Is there a chance you have chronic depression, PTSD, or some medical condition that causes you to act that way? If so, go to a doctor and plot a course to deal with it.
Tell your girlfriend that you're going to be working on yourself. Let her know your like to salvage your relationship because you love her and your blended family. Ask her if she's willing and interested.
If yes, find a low cost family councelling center or social worker. Maybe try a church, if you're a person of faith. Work hard on that.
If no, continue work on yourself. Get yourself enrolled in a program for families needing low-cost housing. Try habitat for humanity. Talk to the principal of your children's school about needing a place to live.
Whatever happens, work on your emotional state and employment. Be willing to choose a course of action, plan each step using free and low cost resources, and move forward deliberately.
Not even sure if this belongs on this forum or the parenting forum its kind of an issue that fits both categories
Im currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of over 2 years.
We currently reside in a house that is owned by her. I live there with my 2 children and she has a daughter that lives there as well
It would take too long to cover all the details that have led us to this point but long story short, after a long series of failed expectations, insecurities, and difficulties in mixing two families together, i think the stress has taken its toll. I feel done.
We are both 30 and under, and I think in the last 2-3 months we've been intimate like 2 or 3 times. thats about it. We fight pretty often now. Usually when i go up to bed i just lay down and face the other way, we never touch eachother at night. It feels cold and distant. even small gestures like a kiss or hug or small touch is a rare thing around our house.
The last few times ive mentioned wanting to be intimate its been met with a very "meh" reception or complaints of being tired or not feeling well, etc etc
On top of my own issues that have caused problems in the relationship (i get frustrated very quickly and can get pretty grumpy on a whim) i have found in the past that she has talked to another male who was being extremely inappropriate with her. Making sexual comments and talking to her about sex, etc etc. Even worse, she wasnt telling him to stop. She might not have been full tilt back towards him but i would consider it somewhat receptive and most absolutely over the line. She would tell him she was laying in bed naked and saying she needed a massage... stuff like that!
We had a huge blowout. she promised to never talk to him again. but she did. Now she is sneaky about it. She acts like its not big deal or just friends but now that i dont trust her i will admit i have looked on the phone to see, and now she deletes all her messages and clears all her history. I feel i cant trust her and its ruining me.
Almost daily i sit at work with knots in my stomach. I have enough self esteem where normally i would say **** this im out, not going to be ok with being treated like a fool. But here is the issue
i have nowhere to go. She owns the house, its on me to move out if thats what i want to do. Expenses are high i have no savings, all apartments require first and last month deposit but as long as im paying her half the mortgage its hard to save. I feel stuck. I have no family around.
My children care about her and her daughter, and her daughter the same. I know that my children are secure enough in their relationship with me and their mom they would survive a split if thats what it comes down too but what do i do?
do i suck it up and just pretend to be happy so we can keep living in a nice house? or do i decide enough being unhappy and do whats right for me and try and have my life as a single father back? some days i really miss when i had my own apartment with my girls and it was just me and them... so simple then
but i do love my girlfriend and her daughter, and i really thought this was going to work. Now she has also told all of her friends and direct family (atleast mom) how bad things are and that im awful. And while i will absolutely admit i have not always been the best, it wasnt in a fair light either. So i feel everyone around judging me, as she as lots of work friends and family that are around here, whereas im alone.
Do i suck it up while carefully saving what i can until i can move out? i mean that could take a while
So many dealbreakers in one thread. I've bolded them.
Get a second and third job, and start saving money.
Move out ASAP.
I guarantee your gf is either cheating or will cheat at some point. And then the new guy may try to oust you. This is a very had situation, and you need to start thinking about your kids. This is not a safe environment for them, as this situation is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
It is time for you to put on your big boy pants and become an adult. Stop relying on other people to provide for your kids.
You created a mess by exposing your kids to an volatile situation. If you have to move to the ghetto to survive, then that is your only option.
Also, I would suggest getting a vescectomy, as any more children in your future will absolutely break you financially and mentally.
i can ask my parents for help but none of my family lives within 3 hours, so i dont have a physical place to stay. plus my mom isnt doing well health wise and i dont wanna stress out my dad or mom anymore, especially fiscally
well she bought the house because she wanted to be right near the school for her daughter. I didnt even know if i could move with her at first because my ex wife wanted me to stay closer for the kids sake. its only 30 mins away from where we were living so i was able to convince her it would be ok and it has been (minus more driving for me). She bought the house before even knowing i was going to be moving with her.
she has great credit she can do stuff like that, i cant. I didnt want to be on the house title because it would feel wrong, she put all her inheritance down on it, what right do i have to sign my name to that house? plus what if it was shared? wouldnt that be a bigger mess during a split? only issue is im at the downside of having no place to live if it doesnt work out
So do you have the kids full time or your ex wife? That could make the difference when you move. If you have your girls full time then it's obviously going to be tougher to move however if you only have the kids certain days/ weekends wouldn't it be easier to ask your parents if you could move in with them for a month or so?
If I was you I'd find a way to move out. I know you would like the relationship to work out but if she's already messaging another man then that's really skanky and it shows how little respect she has for you! Me ex did that and ended up cheating, I saw the initial signs yet ignored them but eventually they cheat. Little by little they cross the line until its too late. You must know you're too good to be treated like that and it's not a good environment for kids.
So do you have the kids full time or your ex wife? That could make the difference when you move. If you have your girls full time then it's obviously going to be tougher to move however if you only have the kids certain days/ weekends wouldn't it be easier to ask your parents if you could move in with them for a month or so?
If I was you I'd find a way to move out. I know you would like the relationship to work out but if she's already messaging another man then that's really skanky and it shows how little respect she has for you! Me ex did that and ended up cheating, I saw the initial signs yet ignored them but eventually they cheat. Little by little they cross the line until its too late. You must know you're too good to be treated like that and it's not a good environment for kids.
true and thats my biggest concern
is that no matter what she does to reassure, its headed somewhere down that path i dont want to stick around to see
but another part of me feels like is it my fault? if i obviously made her happy she wouldnt need to talk to anymore right? so that guilt makes me feel like i deserve this somehow
ive never done anything i would consider makes me a horrible person, ive never emotionally or physically abused anyone, ive never even so much as looked at another woman, even during this time when things are so bad. IVe always been the type to bottle it up and deal with it. I may not be the best boyfriend or dad, but ive always valued loyalty as the best trait a partner can have so i have always exercised that myself.
but how can i use that as a reason to move on if somehow i caused her to feel like she needed to talk to someone else ?
So many dealbreakers in one thread. I've bolded them.
Get a second and third job, and start saving money.
Move out ASAP.
I guarantee your gf is either cheating or will cheat at some point. And then the new guy may try to oust you. This is a very had situation, and you need to start thinking about your kids. This is not a safe environment for them, as this situation is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
It is time for you to put on your big boy pants and become an adult. Stop relying on other people to provide for your kids.
You created a mess by exposing your kids to an volatile situation. If you have to move to the ghetto to survive, then that is your only option.
Also, I would suggest getting a vescectomy, as any more children in your future will absolutely break you financially and mentally.
I agree with some of what you're saying but lets say 5 years time he's bought a nice home and is married again with a lovely woman with no kids and desperately wants one of her own, oh wait he can't because some dude online told him to get a vasectomy not good advice buddy!!
is that no matter what she does to reassure, its headed somewhere down that path i dont want to stick around to see
but another part of me feels like is it my fault? if i obviously made her happy she wouldnt need to talk to anymore right? so that guilt makes me feel like i deserve this somehow
ive never done anything i would consider makes me a horrible person, ive never emotionally or physically abused anyone, ive never even so much as looked at another woman, even during this time when things are so bad. IVe always been the type to bottle it up and deal with it. I may not be the best boyfriend or dad, but ive always valued loyalty as the best trait a partner can have so i have always exercised that myself.
but how can i use that as a reason to move on if somehow i caused her to feel like she needed to talk to someone else ?
It's not your fault nor hers you're both unhappy and grew apart that happens alot and it's nothing to be ashamed of
However instead if talking to you and trying to work it out she is using another man to satisfy her selfish needs. That's shady and you don't want your girls to think that behaviour is ok. No one is perfect at relationships or parenthood lol I know that! I'm a single mum and it's tough as hell sometimes and so expensive so I can only imagine how hard it is having two girls. I'm a good mum but I'm not perfect. You learn from your mistakes and you fix them, you don't deserve to be treated like **** because a relationship isn't working out. Would you want that for your girls?
Actually, I think some of it IS his fault. He's admitted to being grumpy, moody, showing favoritism to his kids, etc And I think all the advice to just bail is bad advice. He's got issues, and he's only going to take those with him to his next relationship. He needs to work on the issues, both individually and together with her. There are kids involved here, even if they're not married. Don't cut & run; work on things. I think the relationship is salvageable.
Funny, if the OP said he was married, most women posters would call for all manner of counseling to save the marriage (as would the church). But because they are not married, cut-and-run seems to be the recommended solution. They don't want your girlfriend's remaining youth wasted on you apparently, maybe they want her to have a few more kids before her eggs go bad?
Actually, I think some of it IS his fault. He's admitted to being grumpy, moody, showing favoritism to his kids, etc And I think all the advice to just bail is bad advice. He's got issues, and he's only going to take those with him to his next relationship. He needs to work on the issues, both individually and together with her. There are kids involved here, even if they're not married. Don't cut & run; work on things. I think the relationship is salvageable.
you do?
i feel like i would need to explain more about the things ive done or how i feel to even begin to ask about advice on how to fix "me"
but thats a whole other issue
(meaning i just want to clarify "favoritism" with kids for example, not what your thinking and dont want you thinking im a worse person than i am)
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not good advice buddy!!
