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I only ask a third party( you guys) because he's giving me different signs.
They wasn't that close but they started to reconnect again in the last month or so. She unexpectedly died in her sleep. He has been crying on and off and other times he's just fine.
I offered to go with him to the service but he decline and said he needed to be alone. But later he says how can he go to his mothers funeral he feels like he's alone now.
I want to comfort and I know everyone has their own way of coping, but I won't lie he has me scratching my head!!
I'm thinking if I should just go and sit in the back, I know him and I know he's going to break down eventually.
You can ride along with him or drive him and either sit in the back if you want or stay in the car and wait for him.
Personally I would go but be close without being too close.
What I think is really important is that you are not just comforting yourself by being overtly righteous in consoling him. When someone dies, it's really hard to get the right words across because you may only be comforting yourself and not the person who is truly hurting.
I've been in this situation a couple of times on both sides.
Make an appearance and stay at the back like some have said. Offer him support in the form of a warm hug without trying to be too wordy and apologetic if the opportunity presents itself. Tell him that you will be there for him even if it means keeping a respectful distance for him to mourn on his own. Sometimes that's the best thing for a person who has lost a parent.
If you feel that it might be too much for him and you to be at the funeral, the better thing to do is to give him a sympathy card. If you have a group of friends that know him as well, nothing beats sending thoughtful flowers to the family.
I asked him if I can ride with him and he said he didn't want me to go and he told his friends he didn't want them to go.
REally can he put it in any plainer language? He does not want you to go. You are a girlfriend, not a wife, and thus need to be respectful of the limitations that come with that designation. Offer instead to do something for him that needs to be taken care of, such as "house sitting" during the funeral (some people do not want the family house empty), or preparing food for the family's return home, or taking care of pets. If he says no thanks, then respect his wishes. If I told a girlfriend to not come to my Mother's funeral, and she showed up, I'd dump her for good since she thinks more about "her wants" than "my wishes".
If you are worried about his mental health or depression, then you could speak to one of his family members that you know by phone.
Don't intrude where you are not wanted.
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