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The constant problem I encounter with men who would potentially make good husbands but I'm not 100% interested in them is that I'm not attracted to them sexually. So even though I try to date them, it ends up not working out anyway.
And this is the key point! When we consider the term “settling”, rarely do we advocate merging our lives with a person with whom we have profound disagreement in values, or who has defects of character that we can’t abide. Almost always “settling” means either (1) a person not particularly driven or successful in life, for instance with mediocre career prospects, or even more commonly (2) some one who isn’t particularly attractive.
The exhortation to settle doesn’t mean to renege on one’s life-goals, but to overcome one’s lack of sexual interest in the potential partner, focusing instead of the person’s basic compatibility and decency. For a young man, this means marrying a girl who is homely but of good character, with an appealing personality, with interests well aligned with the guy’s interests and so forth.
The really aching quandary is the situation between people of unorthodox opinions and lifestyles. Suppose that Man A and Woman B have some fringe outlook on life, so that for either of them, finding a compatible partner is very difficult. Then one day they stumble upon another... but there's a problem: A just does not find B to be sexually attractive (or vice versa). What to do? Finding another such partner would be difficult, and there is genuine consonance of feeling between A and B. Should A overcome his disappointment with B's looks, and marry her anyway? I would say yes.
I think most of the people posting on this thread haven't read the book, and the title of the book is misleading. I think if you read the book it makes a ton of sense. Every single female who complains about not being able to find a man (assuming you live in or near a large city vs. a small town) needs to read this book in my opinion.
I'm at an age where I've finished my education, found a good job, and many people ( basically my mom ) are waiting for me to get a ring and push out a kid.
I understand all that sounds good. I just don't want to settle. I want that spark. He has to be a millionaire.
I've never met anyone who hasn't settled. When you are in love and the Attraction is high You tend to ignore the imperfections And the other person. If everyone was is unompromising as they say There would be no ex husband ex girlfriend or ex boyfriends. Everybody compromises from their ideal: You might be too tall or too short. He might argue too much Or spend too much money. There's always something To compromise on.
directed towards women, but the author argues how "Good enough" can be better than risking a possible alternative - waiting too long and getting to a point where you spend the rest of your life alone and lonely.
I know a lot of women who will settle for Good Enough... because they want to further their objective of having children and being in a marriage knowing fully well that it *may* not be the best of matches, perhaps they even convince themselves that it is the perfect match because they are so desperate for marriage and a family...years down the road after the novelty of marriage and children have faded they exit out.
How about men? Are there men out there that will settle as well? Are you willing to settle for "good enough" IF by a certain age you cannot meet the perfect match or are you willing to wait it out forever?
A friend once told me about marriage - if you are 70% or more confident then go for it because you will never ever feel 100% confident... i'd like to think this is untrue.
Bolded: The more years away from the best relationship I had the more I like this quote. But, IME, 70% may not and IRL probably would not have been enough.
As far as settling: Some people get to a point in which their priorities change. They may date or marry someone that they would have laughed at 10 years prior. But, IMO, for some people, that isnt settling. The person changed, and what they want changes also. But if you ask that person 10 years younger, of course they would yell, "that's settling! don't do it!"
But it is all perspective. And some people are extremely competitive and judgmental. Therefore, other people may whisper and gossip, "so-and-so is settling."
Settling does happen. But I think at the same same time, some people change, and therefore those people aren't settling. I would be willing to bet the one's that know they are settling are probably doomed for relationship failure.
But the one's that change, they have a chance at long term happiness. Whether is is greater than 50% chances, is anyone's guess.
directed towards women, but the author argues how "Good enough" can be better than risking a possible alternative - waiting too long and getting to a point where you spend the rest of your life alone and lonely.
I know a lot of women who will settle for Good Enough... because they want to further their objective of having children and being in a marriage knowing fully well that it *may* not be the best of matches, perhaps they even convince themselves that it is the perfect match because they are so desperate for marriage and a family...years down the road after the novelty of marriage and children have faded they exit out.
How about men? Are there men out there that will settle as well? Are you willing to settle for "good enough" IF by a certain age you cannot meet the perfect match or are you willing to wait it out forever?
A friend once told me about marriage - if you are 70% or more confident then go for it because you will never ever feel 100% confident... i'd like to think this is untrue.
No need to settle, because I have no intent of marrying or having children.
Opens my dating pool up exponentially in comparison to other women.
I read the book and I think it makes sense, but it's not something that I've been able to put into practice. The constant problem I encounter with men who would potentially make good husbands but I'm not 100% interested in them is that I'm not attracted to them sexually. So even though I try to date them, it ends up not working out anyway.
If I remember you have said in other post that very very few men are you attracted to in that way. My issue has been not finding a woman sensually compatible.
I am with RogersParkGuy though - I don't really believe in this "soul mate" or ONE person for everyone thing - that seems really unrealistic. Considering most people marry someone that lives within a 20 mile radius of each other, (or at least maybe before the internet) you are telling me that there is only ONE person on the planet out of billions for you, and coincidentally he/she is gonna live within that radius? I understand that they would not live in another country, speak another language, because you wouldn't be able to connect with them. But insisting that you could not get along with or be compatible enough with anyone else but someone who lives that close to you seems absurd to me.
I would also think, maybe it's not necessarily "settling" just because you don't feel some sort of true love fantasy. I think if your instinct or your gut is telling you it's not the right person, or there's a bunch of drama, that's one thing. Deciding to be with my husband was easy; our relationship was not full of problems or doubt. But if you are holding out for some media-influenced crap, then that is a problem. There is no "perfect" match or someone who is going to be 100% what you want all the time. That doesn't mean you "settled", and some people might confuse that because they buy into that myth.
I think this is what some people confuse with "settling."
It's not settling if you find a person you love, that you get along well with, that shares your values, etc.
I do believe some people think that if they don't marry a doctor/lawyer/rock star, whatever and they don't have fireworks go off every time that person walks into the room, and that person doesn't meet some checklist of personal features and financial ledgers, then they are "settling."
I would argue that their goals were highly unrealistic in the first place.
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