When does it end? (wife, girlfriend, married, woman)

[MountainGuy74]

I'm not really sure if this really belongs in this forum but in some way I guess I am grieving.

I was previously married to a wonderful woman for 7 years. We were coworkers at Yosemite National Park and while working together we fell in love and were eventually married. Shortly after that we had a beautiful boy and our little family seemed complete.

I didn't know that she was apparently very unhappy with the domestic life she was living and soon began to seek attention in online chat rooms. She didn't talk to me or express how she was feeling and I guess somehow she felt she couldn't. I, on the other had, was blissfully unaware of her feelings and what she was doing in those chat rooms. I trusted her and loved her more than anything so I was utterly shocked and destroyed when out of the blue she announces that she was leaving with some man she found online. She willingly gave up her parental rights and I was given full custody of our son. She disappeared and I heard from her no more after that.

Before she abruptly left we had been trying for a second child. I found out from mutual friends a few months later that she was very pregnant and there was a chance that her baby was mine. She had since disappeared once again and there was no trace of her.

A few months ago I was searching on Facebook and through one connection after another I managed to track her down somewhere in Louisiana, where she was born and raised. Although her Facebook page didn't say much in regards to her information I did see that she had posted a few pictures of a darling baby girl. What struck me the most about this little girl was that she looked just like my son at that age so I knew it was obviously her baby but I have no idea if the child is mine or perhaps this other guy. I guess I will really never know.

This was almost 3 years ago. When this first happened I was absolutely furious with her and hated her so much for lying to me all those years, making me believe that she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me raising a family. For her to just give it all up so easily and to run away with some other man made me so angry for so long. It wasn't even a matter of "trading up" which I would totally understand. I'm not the best looking guy out there and I'm certainly not wealthy. I work a regular job, pay the bills and raise my son as best as a single father can. The man she left me for was just the opposite. Unemployed, no ambition, morbidly obese, poor health. He knocked up his girlfriend back in Maine where he was from and he abandoned her and their son to come here and run off with my wife thus destroying two families at the same time.

These days I am more sad than angry. I guess I am sad over the loss of the family we used to have and the life we used to lead. When she left she became dead to me and my son. I guess I am mourning over who she used to be and what we used to have. Folks have told me that I need closure but how could I have closure with someone that has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. What would I even say to her if I even did have a meeting? What do you say to someone like that?

It's been almost 3 years and I'm still not over it and it still bothers me. Do you think there will ever be a time where I don't think about her anymore?

[DR2012]

It's hard to say. I'm really sorry for your loss. I wonder if you wanted to, surely there could be something you could do legally to find out if the girl is yours and be a part of her life. Are you interested in that?

Some say writing a letter, even if you do not give it to her, is helpful. Write out all your feelings as if you are talking to her. It sounds minor, but it could be a start. I would even talk to someone professionally. Just to get it off your chest.

I would find it hard to not think about her, or this situation. It's the sort of thing that would bother me. And she left you for someone that was not a trade-up - it tells me she may have some sort of mental issue. I'm sorry she did that to you. It's too bad she did that, and I can only guess maybe she is feeling what you are feeling - she went off with him and now she's alone. Who knows why she would do such a thing. I can only guess she has some weird attention thing. But why she would leave her son and want to contact is beyond me. Thankfully he has you, and you have each other. You have that to draw strenght from.

[Bluesmama]

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

It's been almost 3 years and I'm still not over it and it still bothers me. Do you think there will ever be a time where I don't think about her anymore?

Yes! It has been ONLY 3 YEARS! Be easy on yourself. You are grieving over what you thought you had, and have no doubt felt betrayed ~ and justifiably angry. You have to process this shock. The fact that you have shifted from anger to sadness is good.

I don't know about giving in to your curiosities, though. I sense a red flag here, and she may be in a world that you'd be better off avoiding.

What's important is that, while you need a little more time, you do not stop living.