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Old 09-18-2013, 11:12 AM
 
119 posts, read 103,696 times
Reputation: 57

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myghost View Post
46/m here

Graduated High School a virgin
Got "laid" some in college, but very few meaningful dates, and only a couple long relationships.
Met my wife at 25


You had several relationships in your 20s and got married at 25


You have absolutely no business posting in this thread. I would kill for one relationship
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:14 AM
 
Location: USA
6,230 posts, read 6,923,893 times
Reputation: 10784
"E=Longneck Bottle;31451733]Oh boy....nearly 30 and your life is over.

It gets BETTER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


[/quote]

I have never had a single female friend. Can't see how it could get better at this point.
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:16 AM
 
119 posts, read 103,696 times
Reputation: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean View Post
I really don't know if I should chime in because I am not a guy... but then I feel like I should because I am not a guy.

I didn't have many boyfriends or interest (beyond superficial) in my teens and early 20s. I didn't even get asked out to the prom or a single dance (for the prom, I went with a guy friend that I asked). I had two boyfriend in college (one for two semesters until he transferred to another school... the other for one semester until he dropped out). And then nothing until I as 25--not a single date, look, anything.

Now, I am not ugly or anything (and I think I looked much better then--I am older now and I think it shows). I was average build, long blonde hair, beachy outdoorsy type, that perfect "hip to waist ratio" that anthropologist talk about, etc. I was often told by guys (who were friends) that my problem is I came across as cold. Nothing could be farther from the truth... I love people and am a very warm person. But I am introverted and a but shy and men who saw me assumed I was a "cold witch" so to speak.

It wasn't until I finally came out of my shell at 25 that things picked up for me. What helped was a job that I had where I *had* to talk to men a lot--mostly rough around the edges men too. Soon it became more comfortable for me to express myself, I was more relaxed, and people could see the warmness. Nothing else about me changed other than that; but a world opened up to me. Then it seemed like suddenly, out of the blue, men were interested in me. Even after I got married (and had a very visible ring) men hit on me.

Long story not so long, my Ex came out of the closet and we divorced (we are still friendly though). I am single again. Even though I am older and older looking, my personality has changed a lot and I now get dates. I've dated 8 men in the past year and will be dating number 9 soon (just casual stuff and most just one date where we found out we really weren't a match... no man and I have hit it off enough to be exclusive yet). That's more dates than I had from the time I was 18-25... in just one year.

Anyway, I have a lot of points. I am not sure if they are applicable to men or not, but I thought it might be worth sharing if it helped someone:

1) If you are introverted or shy (which seems to be what afflicts a lot of men on this forum), it hurts you no matter what your sex, no matter how great a person you are, or even how good you look. The best way to get around this is just talk to members of opposite sex--not for the purpose of dating, but for the purpose of just being friendly.

2) Some of us are "late bloomers" when it comes to the opposite sex. And guys, you have an advantage because you get better looking as you age (in my opinion anyway). So don't stress. Work on yourself and improve yourself and your life and things will eventually come to you. In reality, there aren't very many "40-year-old virgins" But there are a lot of very inexperienced men and women in their 20s.

3) Don't think it's some conspiracy by women of a hive mind who are all out to get you. If you think that you will come across as crazy... and soon after that bitter. Just like men, women are individuals too and a lot of them are going though the same things you are. Sure there are witchy women and jerks of men... but while they are loud, they are the minority.

OP, I wish you the best and good luck.

Great post


It seems very very very hard to believe that any girl who is attractive in any way could have problems dating. If you had a nice figure, why didn't you try online dating? I'm sure you would have gotten just swarmed with male attention
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:26 AM
 
5,121 posts, read 6,803,843 times
Reputation: 5833
Quote:
Originally Posted by AceDaBrain View Post
Great post


It seems very very very hard to believe that any girl who is attractive in any way could have problems dating. If you had a nice figure, why didn't you try online dating? I'm sure you would have gotten just swarmed with male attention
Thanks!

I think I gave off a "look but don't touch... or talk to me... vibe." I didn't intend to and I really loved it when people talked to me, but I think my poker face combined with quietness gave men the impression I would bite their heads off if they talked to me, lol. Basically I inadvertently came across as a snob (but I never was). Now that I am outwardly more open and warmer, I get more attention than I ever did then even though I am old (and I think not as pretty as I was then).

I do have to make an effort not to be stone faced though. I am still very inwardly focused. I've had three bosses (in a row) tell me I had a poker face they would kill to have in negotiations, lol.

To answer your question... and to show my age a bit... I was in my 20s in the 1990s and online dating just started to take off in the late 90s (about the time I came out of my shell anyway and then I didn't need it).

Last edited by jillabean; 09-18-2013 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:28 AM
 
Location: NC
11,222 posts, read 8,303,040 times
Reputation: 12469
Quote:
Originally Posted by AceDaBrain View Post
You had several relationships in your 20s and got married at 25


You have absolutely no business posting in this thread. I would kill for one relationship
Um, no. I met my future wife at 25, got married at 29, but that's not the point. The question was about what kind of dating life I had. I had none. Absolutely NONE. Didn't even know how to date. Which led me into the false security of what became my marriage, and entering that due to lack of confidence. And staying in it due to lack of confidence.

I've got every right to post. I had a lot of bullsh#t "relationships", which I hid behind because of the same issues that lead people to have NO RELATIONSHIPS at all. My message was one of hope, and one that as we mature, and become more accepting of our own selves, that (some) people will appreciate us for who we are, and things will be OK.

My "dating life" didn't start till my mid 40's, now it is as good as I'm willing to let it be. I've got all the business in the world posting here.

Good luck to anyone who wants to allow good things to happen to them. Good, genuine people will succeed, if they let themselves.


EDIT: Just read Jillabean, and I had basically the same experience. Different details and all, but same dating life. She said it well. It's all about being comfortable with self, and not being so anxious. That comes with age and maturity, I think...
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,745 posts, read 34,389,499 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AceDaBrain View Post
Great post


It seems very very very hard to believe that any girl who is attractive in any way could have problems dating. If you had a nice figure, why didn't you try online dating? I'm sure you would have gotten just swarmed with male attention
Plenty of attractive women don't get swarmed with male attention, and getting swarmed with male attention isn't exactly the benefit that you think it is.

Cartoon: Street Harassment | Alas, a Blog
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:00 PM
 
Location: NC
11,222 posts, read 8,303,040 times
Reputation: 12469
Quote:
Originally Posted by AceDaBrain View Post
You had several relationships in your 20s and got married at 25


You have absolutely no business posting in this thread. I would kill for one relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by AceDaBrain View Post
Great post


It seems very very very hard to believe that any girl who is attractive in any way could have problems dating. If you had a nice figure, why didn't you try online dating? I'm sure you would have gotten just swarmed with male attention
This is VERY intersting, and probably very indicative of why you'd "kill for one relationship".

You're treating women as some sort of different species. I was married and had a couple relationships in college. She was married and had two relationships in college. Yet she had a great post (which I agree with), but somehow I have no business posting due to my great success. The only objective difference here is our gender. What is SUBJECTIVE is how you percieve our posts. (I didn't realize, until after I responded to you, that you had also responded to her.)

Anyway, I don't post this to call you out, but more along the lines of the original topic. The OP asked how others in his situation ended up. My story ended pretty well, because as I grew older, I was eventually able to drop all the superficial gender stereotyping (well, not ALL of it, that's impossible, but enough of it...) so that I could just be me, and accept myself for who I am, and then be comfortable in others having the choice to accept me or not. Reality is that not everyone is going to get along. Once you realize that, then life gets better.

So, to the OP, and to you, this is a great example of what needs to change before things get better. Respectfully, I say drop all the pent up anger, drop the blaming of others, and mostly, just let go of all your baggage and try to be at peace with who you are. If you're not able to be at peace, then become a person you like. (not focused on cool, but more-so on ethics, values, and how you treat others). Once that happens, I bet you'll have that relationship (and nobody will have to die for it).
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:40 PM
 
119 posts, read 103,696 times
Reputation: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Myghost View Post
This is VERY intersting, and probably very indicative of why you'd "kill for one relationship".

You're treating women as some sort of different species. I was married and had a couple relationships in college. She was married and had two relationships in college. Yet she had a great post (which I agree with), but somehow I have no business posting due to my great success. The only objective difference here is our gender. What is SUBJECTIVE is how you percieve our posts. (I didn't realize, until after I responded to you, that you had also responded to her.)

Anyway, I don't post this to call you out, but more along the lines of the original topic. The OP asked how others in his situation ended up. My story ended pretty well, because as I grew older, I was eventually able to drop all the superficial gender stereotyping (well, not ALL of it, that's impossible, but enough of it...) so that I could just be me, and accept myself for who I am, and then be comfortable in others having the choice to accept me or not. Reality is that not everyone is going to get along. Once you realize that, then life gets better.

So, to the OP, and to you, this is a great example of what needs to change before things get better. Respectfully, I say drop all the pent up anger, drop the blaming of others, and mostly, just let go of all your baggage and try to be at peace with who you are. If you're not able to be at peace, then become a person you like. (not focused on cool, but more-so on ethics, values, and how you treat others). Once that happens, I bet you'll have that relationship (and nobody will have to die for it).


you're misunderstanding my post. I never meant that as a harsh or hostile post in any way. I just don't think your struggles are comparable to people like myself or others. U got married at 25...I'm 24 now and the notion of me getting married seems to be 10 light years away


I liked her post because women struggling like that are very very very rare and its generally ones who are very unattractive/overweight
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Up in the air
19,112 posts, read 30,628,399 times
Reputation: 16395
Well, I'm a woman...but I didn't have my first 'date' or first kiss until I was 19 and a sophomore in college. Lost my virginity at 19 to a guy I thought was my boyfriend but he thought we were just FWB. Ah, the naivety of youth.

Fell into a relationship at 23ish with a guy that was a friend of my roommate at the time. We were together for 3ish years and it was horrible, but I realllllly wanted a boyfriend so I put up with a lot. We broke up and I'll be 30 in 2 months and just recently started seeing someone that might turn into a relationship. Took nearly 4 years of online dating (where I wasn't swarmed with dates and rarely got messages) to find him. The last time I was asked out in real life was years ago.

So yeah. Not everyone has luck dating. I'm not shy, I'm not introverted (well, I have my moments, but doesn't everyone?) and I have a huge network of friends and find it easy to talk to people. None of that matters if you're an unattractive woman though. Thus is life.
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Old 09-18-2013, 01:15 PM
 
5,121 posts, read 6,803,843 times
Reputation: 5833
Quote:
Originally Posted by AceDaBrain View Post
you're misunderstanding my post. I never meant that as a harsh or hostile post in any way. I just don't think your struggles are comparable to people like myself or others. U got married at 25...I'm 24 now and the notion of me getting married seems to be 10 light years away


I liked her post because women struggling like that are very very very rare and its generally ones who are very unattractive/overweight
I would say I was unattractive. Not in the way I looked, but in the way I came across. I don't think it matters how good you look, but if your face says, "I am a cold "witch", don't approach me" or you "look like a snob" men won't approach because they just assume you are going to reject them (and in a cold, cruel way to boot). I was never like this and I never would be like that, but the combination of my quietness, shyness, and poker face that did that to me.

At least, that's what I was told time and time again by people who got to know me. They told me their first impression of me was that I was stuck up, a snob, and full of myself--but when they got to know me, they realized I wasn't and that the difference of what I projected and what I was really like was much in contrast that it was worth noting.

EDIT: One thing this has all taught me, by the way. Despite so many people thinking men are only about looks (including some men). It's just not true. Like I said, my looks are the same except I've aged in time. But more men seem interested in me now than ever before in my life. Attitude and personality are just as important to men--maybe more so.
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