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Just because somebody's thinking is in line with your own doesn't make theirs 'more logical'.
And I agree that if you feel you have to hide something, it's probably not ok.
Another good metric is to turn things around: I think it's highly unlikely that loveshack guy would be happy if his gf were sexting a bunch of guys online, getting sexy pictures of them, or sending out pics of herself.
But I think the key is to avoid arguing about definitions of cheating and instead to talk about what is ok for you, personally, in a relationship and what is not.
For me, I don't much care about outside sex as long as it's germ-conscious and consensual. The problem I would have with loveshack guy is that neither his gf nor the craigslist women consented to the arrangement. Those poor women on CL who thought they had actually found a great guy online, and were going to get a bf or at least some real-life nookie!
If I were loveshack guys gf, I would dump him for his lack of interest in consent, and in my feelings.
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To me, 'cheated on' is a feeling, more than an action. If something makes me feel cheated on, it's not going to continue.
And the things that make me feel cheated on have more to do with lying and emotional attachment. Particularly lying about emotional attachment -- telling me you do not love her when you do. If you love her, that's ok and we can deal with it. But lying to me shows disrespect for me and for her, and sneakiness.
Breaking agreements is another thing likely to make me feel cheated on. Consent violations, OTOH, are not cheating to me, but they are repulsive.
These things do all tend to occur together -- cheating, lying, breaking agreements, violating people's consent. In can take some thinking to figure out what exactly is wrong with what, in a given situation. For me, anyway .
Great example of someone who is more bothered by emotional cheating than physical!
Well, i was half joking, but if my boyfriend would talk everyday to, say, a girl who lives in another country, and needs her, and misses her, and thinks of her everyday, and falls for her in some way, even if theres no physical contact....
I would consider that to be more cheating than him making out drunk with a girl in a party, or even having a ons with someone....
I could probably forgive the second case, but it will be impossible for me to forgive the first one.
I don't know about you, but when I use porn, what I'm doing isn't emotional!
Of course, porn use and addiction to porn are very different things.
yeah, me too. and that's also what a lot of men tell themselves in sexless marriages. they separate their physical needs from their emotional needs and get those needs met from different sources.
so it's the physical component you overlooked. save that nut and b*ner for your SO, or let it build up where you gotta have her to get your your physical needs met. or find someone else or some other arrangement that doesn't disrespect your SO, if you even want need to unplug from your relationship or get her approval. cuz ask any woman in a committed relationship how she feels about her SO using porn. the answers are fairly consistent. for me, at it's core love is respecting the feelings and caring for your loved ones, and you don't hurt the ppl you love. pain and suffering are incompatible with love and caring. one heals the other, get it right.
cheating: seeking validation from others other than the one/s you have proclaimed to be the people who you already get that from/with
in simple terms: putting your wants and needs over anything/anyone else you have allowed yourself to be committed to despite situation or circumstance.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nokiddin
cuz ask any woman in a committed relationship how she feels about her SO using porn. the answers are fairly consistent.
Um, I've never dated anyone that minded me using porn. Its very common for men to use it when masturbating, and certainly people with SOs masturbate. You do know a large percentage of women also watch porn on their own too, right? There are some that prefer erotica, of course, but it serves the same purpose. Of course, many couples watch porn together.
Um, I've never dated anyone that minded me using porn. We often watch it together. You do know a large percentage of women also watch porn on their own too, right?
then it's not cheating if she is okay with it. that's the point dude.
In general, if I am hiding anything from my husband that I am doing with the opposite sex...... then I am being unfaithful.
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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,934 posts, read 36,026,623 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nokiddin
then it's not cheating if she is okay with it. that's the point dude.
??? It would be the odd person that isn't ok with it. I couldn't imagine it being an issue outside of an addiction issue. How did porn even enter into a cheating discussion?
then it's not cheating if she is okay with it. that's the point dude.
To me, cheating is not porn or fantasizing about another. It's an actual connection with another, whether physical, emotional. It's allowing yourself to bond in a way that should be reserved only for your spouse/partner, and usually involves secrecy or deception.
i don't call that cheating but it could certainly lead there and i would call it douchebagging. possibly a breakup offense too
re porn, this isn't like porn at all, those are real girls (or guys pretending) and it's real communication with someone else. stroking it and closing a few livejasmin pop up windows isn't real communication
Last edited by OdysseusNY; 10-04-2013 at 01:30 PM..
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