Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't think I could continue the marriage (do you have children together?). I think I would live in fear that she would contact him for a second chance and he would do it. I'm sorry, 7 years of marriage, how devastating.
A valid fear. 99% he sure would if the pull is this strong after so many years.
I've never encountered something like this but I'm really sorry you have.
I don't think I could be very generous of spirit to give a dang about his "pain" from not getting over an ex, yet managing to date and be married to you for 7+ years. I think I'd be angry that my husband is still so attached to his ex and feeling like our relationship wasn't built a strong foundation or is built on deception.
Did you know he was going to a therapist and this is what it's been about?
^^^ This is how I would feel too. He can't be fully connected to you if most of his emotional energy goes to this woman. It borders obsession. I would feel used.
I know that I brought this on myself by eavesdropping on a telephone conversation between my husband and one of his guy friends. I was just sort of accidentally on purpose lingering in the vicinity while he was on the phone. I realize that wasn't right, but I did it. He may even have known I could overhear, heck, he probably did, but I know that doesn't justify violating his privacy.
Anyway, my husband had a longterm girlfriend he met in college who left him a couple of years before we met. When we first got together, it was obvious he wasn't over that relationship. He talked about his ex constantly, compared me to her, etc. Around the time we married, we had a huge blowout because he was sending her annual letters, ostensibly birthday greetings. She wasn't responding, but it bothered me that he was writing to her, anyway.
My husband and I have now been married for more than 7 years, now, and he and his ex haven't had contact in that time, other than the letters he sent and she didn't answer in the first 1-2 years. Over time, he has talked about her less and less. I don't remember the last time he mentioned her, until today.
My husband told his friend that thoughts of his ex are dissipating a large amount of his emotional energy, and that this is what he is working on with his therapist right now. He also said that he can't have contact with the ex because it causes me pain.
I know my husband isn't actually doing anything wrong. He is kind and gentle with me, we are good friends, we spend most of our time together, and he's even affectionate to the point of clinginess. But it is really bothering me to know that he is in love with the ex, still.
Has anyone experienced this? If so, how did you move past it? Should I stop yammering to myself about my hurt feelings and focus on my husband's pain and on his loss of a huge share of his very limited emotional energy to a lost cause?
You poor thing! I would be-livid but I am sure you have nothing to worry about if she hasn't had contact with him. But really...........after 7 years he really needs to get over it! My ex was obsessed with me and after 7 years, he still sends me Happy Birthday messages. I finally just cut him off and stopped responding because I think he still had hope. I think it also helped that I ended up moving out of state so he could no longer drive past my house or stalk me! Hopefully your husband doesn't have these issues. I wouldn't put up with it especially if he has to go to counseling for it, if it's just for that. Maybe you guys should try marriage counseling. It might help! Good luck.
I obviously didn't give enough information. I should clarify that my husband is in therapy for severe (disabling) OCD, so the fact that he obsesses is not in itself a surprise. The objects of his obsessive thoughts often shift, too. And the type of therapy he has chosen is very much oriented toward exploration of past experiences, particularly formative experiences. So he didn't start therapy for the purpose of dealing with issues surrounding his breakup with the ex.
Now that I've had a chance to think about things, I don't think my husband has been focused on the ex secretly for all of these years. That would be a bit too much like something out of a bad movie. I think she's pretty much his standard for what a perfect woman is, so when we started dating, he talked about her a lot, and tried to figure out how close I came to that standard. When we married, he knew that a door was closing on the possibility of being with her, so he thought about her a lot and started sending "birthday" messages. And at this point, dh's friend just happens to have rekindled a romance with an ex from decades ago. I really think that could have triggered another bout of preoccupation with dh's own ex.
I don't want to divorce my husband, and I am not concerned that he will leave me for the ex. I know that he does love me, even though he still loves her. (I love my ex-boyfriend whom I haven't spoken to since 2002 as well; I'm just not pining for him or even thinking about him much, and I figured my husband felt the same about his ex.) It just threw me for a bit of a loop to hear that she was still "on stage" in his life, so to speak.
Thanks to all for the input. It gave me something to think about, particularly the posters who told me to chill out and let my husband have his feelings. I repped all the responses the CD software allowed me to rep.
I guess you thought he'd get over her eventually...but he didn't. That's a hard one. His feelings are his feelings--not much anyone can do to change them.
I would very depressed to be married to a man who was unable to get over his ex. I wouldn't want to feel like he was settling for me.
Perhaps you should try getting therapy for yourself.
hmmm...therapry for her? I think the husband is the one who needs to most help at this point.
I obviously didn't give enough information. I should clarify that my husband is in therapy for severe (disabling) OCD, so the fact that he obsesses is not in itself a surprise. The objects of his obsessive thoughts often shift, too. And the type of therapy he has chosen is very much oriented toward exploration of past experiences, particularly formative experiences. So he didn't start therapy for the purpose of dealing with issues surrounding his breakup with the ex.
Now that I've had a chance to think about things, I don't think my husband has been focused on the ex secretly for all of these years. That would be a bit too much like something out of a bad movie. I think she's pretty much his standard for what a perfect woman is, so when we started dating, he talked about her a lot, and tried to figure out how close I came to that standard. When we married, he knew that a door was closing on the possibility of being with her, so he thought about her a lot and started sending "birthday" messages. And at this point, dh's friend just happens to have rekindled a romance with an ex from decades ago. I really think that could have triggered another bout of preoccupation with dh's own ex.
I don't want to divorce my husband, and I am not concerned that he will leave me for the ex. I know that he does love me, even though he still loves her. (I love my ex-boyfriend whom I haven't spoken to since 2002 as well; I'm just not pining for him or even thinking about him much, and I figured my husband felt the same about his ex.) It just threw me for a bit of a loop to hear that she was still "on stage" in his life, so to speak.
Thanks to all for the input. It gave me something to think about, particularly the posters who told me to chill out and let my husband have his feelings. I repped all the responses the CD software allowed me to rep.
Now you tell us
Seriously, he's lucky to have you standing by him through all his issues.
You might want to consider a little therapy for yourself to help you in dealing with all he's got going on.
OP, I think your main problem with this is that you overheard the conversation. Many of us still have feelings for the one who got away. You said you do yourself. I do. But it's not something we share with our current partners for obvious reasons. (We don't want to hurt them.)
That doesn't mean we'd do anything with our exes if given the chance. My "one who got away" contacted me nearly a year ago. I'd had it bad for her. Something came up beyond our control that tore us apart 20+ years ago, and I've never completely gotten over her. When she contacted me (Facebook), it brought back all the old memories. We wrote a few short emails back and forth, then I stopped. In truth, I was afraid. I love my wife and didn't/don't want to get involved with anyone else. Your husband would likely do the same as I did.
He can't completely control his feelings, just as none of us can, so he's getting help from his counselor. Seems to me that he's to be commended for seeking help in putting her behind him.
I don't believe any of us have a specified amount of love that we can give. It sounds like he loves you, and the fact that he still pines for his ex doesn't necessarily diminish the love he feels for you.
If you need to talk about this beyond CD, you can either discuss it with a counselor or bring it up to your husband. (I wouldn't discuss it with friends or family!) But it seems he's trying to put her out of his thoughts, and I think it would be best if you could too. To do that, you might HAVE to talk to hubby to be assured of his feelings, so it would probably be best to wait awhile -- to let your own feelings subside and to let him get a handle on his as well.
I completely understand how overhearing his conversation would hurt your feelings, but I think many on here are making it into a bigger deal than it really is.
Apparently you don't just browse forums, you 'browse' your husbands conversations with is friends. I doubt that he would try to establish a relationship with his old girlfriend if he could, but sometimes when you care deeply for someone it is not easy to get over them. You always have the thought "what if". and really seven years is nothing. I have two "women in the back of my mind" that I think about, I could have had a relationship with either of them, but I chose the woman I'm married to and I'm not sorry in anyway I chose her. Like I said seven years is nothing, one of these women I think about was a girlfriend in 1957, the other wasn't a girlfriend, just a woman who cared about me deeply and that was in 1972. My wife knows about both of these women and is not one bit jealous, if anything I would say she is understanding, she knows she is first and will always be. She is usually present when one of them calls me on the phone and her only remark is "how is -------"?
It sounds to me like he has an unhealthy obsession with her. I would be concerned.
I'm of two minds. First, minx might be correct in this, but part of me wonders if he hasn't built her up to mythical status since there has been no contact for such a long time. Maybe he's in love with a memory, but part of me suspects the memory far outweighs the actual person.
Not sure what this does for the OP's current predicament, however.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
