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Old 10-06-2013, 01:27 PM
 
Location: NYC
176 posts, read 839,541 times
Reputation: 122

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Sorry if it's long as well but I want to be detailed as possible.

About 3 weeks ago I started dating a man that I knew since 4th grade. We are both in our late 20's now. We are friends on Facebook. He tried to pursue me about 3 years ago but I was already in a relationship during those years so we kept in touch here and there thru social networks.

He's a single father of a 4 year old daughter. Her mother became very ill after birth to the point where she was placed in a nursing home, they were never married. He has full custody and has help from his live in sister and nephew.

I ended my relationship last year. About 3 weeks ago he contacted me telling me that he admired me and that he wants me. He asked me out on a date and told me whenever I'm free I can set the date. We went out on one date so far which went well after the date he picked up one of his best friends (whom he introduced me too) and then took me home. (He kissed me good night. Two weeks later we became intimate. We talk to each other daily mostly by text which is fine and it's usually briefly asking how our days are going, good morning etc. The communication is 50/50 of reaching out equally . There was about 1 time when he wasn't able to spend time with me and didn't call me to tell me because something came up but I told him to at least to just communicate with me if something comes and he agreed. Since then everything was fine. That was the only issue. I'm really starting to like him and I love the fact that he's a great dad to his daughter. I told him he was a great dad and he really appreciated it.

Some of my friends (some who are also single moms) are concerned with the fact that since he's a single dad with sole custody he won't really have time for me so maybe I should reconsider. I didn't pay them any mind at first but now that I think about it they could be right a little bit. When I dated men who had kid(s) it was usually joint custody or weekend arrangements so they had a little more time to spend in relationships. So this is all new to me.

He works full time and so do I, as well as a part time night student so I know that I won't be available all the time. I'm starting to worry that I won't see him that much now and that may ruin the chances of a future relationship because he's a single father. I don't want to just rely on my friend's words so I want to see for myself.

Being that his time to spend with me will be limited how will I tell if he's not that interested vs interested but can't spend time because of his parenting duties? So far it's only been 3 weeks where we saw each other twice but we speak to each other briefly everyday. It may be a little early to tell, so how long should I wait to start determining that he doesn't see me as a future girlfriend? What signs to look out for to tell that he may not be interested in me?
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Old 10-06-2013, 02:06 PM
 
13,211 posts, read 16,527,831 times
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What do you need to determine in your mind that he sees you as his future girlfriend? He sounds like a very busy man..You'd probably see alot more of each other if you lived together, but then that would mean involving his sister and his nephew, something that you'd do if you were really serious about being together. You might already be getting close to the best he can give right now. I disagree with your friends that say "he won't really have time for me"...cause I figure if you got serious and lived together, it would be your bed he lays down in every night....most people I know with kids have lots of time for each other....cause they live together (key words).
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Old 10-06-2013, 02:31 PM
 
Location: NYC
176 posts, read 839,541 times
Reputation: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
What do you need to determine in your mind that he sees you as his future girlfriend? He sounds like a very busy man..
What I mean is by this is that I know there's signs that when a person becomes uninterested in someone after a while the contacting starts to fade and they will want to see them less. Then they will make excuses to not see them such as "I'm busy". However it's a little difficult to determine in this case because he has an excuse...his child. I do speak to him daily even if it's briefly. No one initiates more than the other, it's 50/50. So since he stays in contact I guess that means something right?

It's a little too early to think about living together but so far I'm really starting to like him enough to consider a serious relationship. I just think that I need a little more time to see if I would be comfortable in this situation. I'm still getting to know him.

I know he's in a difficult situation so I'm doing my best to be understanding and patient. But at the same time I just don't want to get taken advantage of.
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Old 10-06-2013, 02:48 PM
 
14,921 posts, read 18,647,419 times
Reputation: 11997
Works full time, part time student and has kids...sounds like me. I don't have my kids all the time like him though and they are older now. As much as he wants to date you he probably doesn't have time right now until one of those things lets up. Otherwise you will be severely neglected and that's not fair to you.
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Old 10-06-2013, 03:08 PM
 
Location: NYC
176 posts, read 839,541 times
Reputation: 122
No I'm the one that's a part time student while working full time. He just works full time and has full custody of his child. We have the same work schedule; work weekday mornings with weekends off.
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Old 10-06-2013, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,774 posts, read 46,712,427 times
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It's hard with young ones. They are very needy. Never dated a single father. I think I wouldn't mind it.
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Old 10-06-2013, 04:17 PM
 
Location: NYC
176 posts, read 839,541 times
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I never dated one who had full custody. This is new to me.
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Old 10-06-2013, 04:21 PM
 
14,921 posts, read 18,647,419 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystic Dreamer View Post
No I'm the one that's a part time student while working full time. He just works full time and has full custody of his child. We have the same work schedule; work weekday mornings with weekends off.
Well, that's good. It's true that he won't be able to give you constant attention because of his other, sometimes unpredictable, obligations. If you think you can deal with getting less attention from him than other single childless men, then keep dating him. If not, then end it early rather than later to save both of you the heartache.
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Old 10-06-2013, 05:02 PM
 
Location: NYC
176 posts, read 839,541 times
Reputation: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Well, that's good. It's true that he won't be able to give you constant attention because of his other, sometimes unpredictable, obligations. If you think you can deal with getting less attention from him than other single childless men, then keep dating him. If not, then end it early rather than later to save both of you the heartache.
Ok. I'll give it a few more weeks. Thanks
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Old 10-06-2013, 06:04 PM
 
Location: In chilly Omaha (suburb) NE
1,506 posts, read 2,702,135 times
Reputation: 1870
Wow, guys look at dating women with children and either 1) don't date; 2) hit it and leave; or 3) are aware of the possibilities and promises. And they move from that point. You are aware of his time allotments and commitments as well as your own. I wouldn't have gotten intimate with him that quickly b/c I think that is distorting your perspective. You should take the relationship in stride and enjoy it. If there are difficulties in connecting, leave or accommodate for the same. His plate will only change in size (commitment in time to his daughter as she grows up) across time while you will likely 1) finish your school work; 2) engage in more meaningful employment; and 3) start to seek greater stability and commitment.

Either stay with him or leave. He's not going to get any better (or worse) though you may need more that he can't give you because his first priority is to being a good dad to his daughter. He stated he wanted you. You've known each other from the 4th grade and you've known about each other's ins and outs since he contacted you after you discontinued a recent relationship. I'm guessing you were more than a booty call for him, as I can't imagine he would become easily entangled and disentangled with someone while having so many other interested parties in his immediate surround. He can't give you more even now, outside of a committed relationship, and that will be many months or years down the pike.

You should eliminate the 'he' factors and focus on the 'me' factors. What do you really want? Can you do better than this fellow? Are you willing to seek others for greater satisfaction? Where does he fit in the balance of your life and what you want now, and how can he fill those needs in 5 years, 10 years, and more? While this is heady stuff to consider after only a few weeks of relationship, set yourself up for times to chat. I'd further guess he's a serious fellow and would welcome a conversation that would put on the table how you are not willing to toy with his emotions while seeking something more of a commitment in a presently companionable relationship.
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