Divorce over not wanting children? (pregnancy, couple, mature, coping)
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"Observations" like that is what gets childfree people upset.
The constant assumption that deep down we want kids and will inevitably all change our minds.
Well, you're certainly free to assume that people are talking about all childfree people in conversations like this, instead of just the OP's situation, even if you're wrong, lol. Heck, it's entirely possible that the OP really doesn't want kids, and I'm certainly not telling her that's she's wrong NOT to have them. Of course, if you read the entire post, you'd know this already.
Though, I do find it somewhat amusing that this comes pretty close to mimicing the conversation my late wife and I had before she got pregnant, mainly the part about concern over screwing up the kids. Oh, and I can give you something else to make assumptions on too! Her concern largely revolved around her father's position of a church Pastor, and it's effect on her childhood transferring into an effect on our children.
There is testing that can be done for many disorders. We have a friend who's daughter and SIL were tested after she was pregnant (her brother has autism). They found out they both carry the gene for autism and have a 25% chance to have an autistic child. They're going forward with the birth, but will likely stop at one. So, if genetic disorders are the only thing holding you back, you and your husband can get tested to determine your odds.
There is no known "gene for autism," there is no way of predicting autism, there is no genetic prenatal test for autism, autism cannot be diagnosed prior to birth, nor in infancy, and autism is not categorized as a genetic disorder. The above is all blatant misinformation. Neither here not there in terms of the OP, but bears mentioning, all the same.
I want to thank everyone for posting about this, I never expected it to be so quick. There's a lot for me to think about, and I need to have a good actual sit down with my husband over it... I really don't want to leave him if I find I want kids, I know he'd make a wonderful father, he's not the issue, it's whether I want them or not, and if I'll just end up bitter about it.
Special thanks to mothers for posting too, and people who have gone through divorces over it already.
Ugh, I feel for you, OP. I told my ex from our third date that I did not want children. He said he didn't really want any, either. In fact, he was all about zero population growth. Then he didn't really even LIKE kids, enough to the point where when we were out and one was misbehaving in public he'd say, "Thank god we don't have to deal with that." So the point was made time and again that there would be no children.
And there he was, two years into the marriage, dropping hints about wanting kids.
A year later, we were separated, then later divorced. Less than a year after that, he was engaged to a woman he knocked up within two months of meeting her.
If your hub wants kids and you don't, consider it a final act of love and friendship to part ways. That's how my ex and I looked at it. Neither one of us wanted to hold the other back from the lives we wanted.
And not for nothing, but unless a man is in his 40s, or has already had several kids, I don't entirely believe them when they say they don't want children. That goes double for men in their 20s. People change and their values change through their 20s.
The way I see it, if a man knows he absolutely, positively does not want children, he'll get a vasectomy so he never has to worry about it, or worry about someone's birth control "accidentally" failing.
I want to thank everyone for posting about this, I never expected it to be so quick. There's a lot for me to think about, and I need to have a good actual sit down with my husband over it... I really don't want to leave him if I find I want kids, I know he'd make a wonderful father, he's not the issue, it's whether I want them or not, and if I'll just end up bitter about it.
Special thanks to mothers for posting too, and people who have gone through divorces over it already.
I'm a mother and it's been the most rewarding experience of my life. But I wanted it - and my husband wanted it. Actually - my husband was ready before I was. Being a mother is also the HARDEST experience of my life. It's really, really tough - and if it's something that you don't even think you want - it's not something that I would say that you should do anyway. I can't imagine going through the 9 months of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, the sleepless nights, the feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed - all for something that I didn't want with all my heart.
I ask again. If the OP left the "window open" so to speak and was indecisive at the onset, then she's not off the hook in my book. Obviously he's drawn the line in the sand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
Well... then lesson learned is that it isn't a "que sera sera" type of conversation... it needs to be more defined.
I think leaving the window open is the only retional thing to do with this question, especially when people are in their early 20s.
Men, and some women, often feel at that age that they will never want kids. And they often change heir minds as they get older. Planning for people to maybe feel differently down the road is the only thing that makes sense.
This is why doctors generally refuse to do sterilizations for people under 30 or so, unless they already have kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plainswalker
If I became pregnant, I would keep the child, of course.
I think leaving the window open is the only retional thing to do with this question, especially when people are in their early 20s. Men, and some women, often feel at that age that they will never want kids. And they often change heir minds as they get older. Planning for people to maybe feel differently down the road is the only thing that makes sense.
I'm not sure that is a good idea for you.
That's the thing. Many people who are childfree pretty much know that early on. There are few who I know do an about-face. I knew my 20s that I wanted to have children at some point in my life. I knew the relationship I had with my ex would end at some point because he was childfree and I wasn't. I don't hold that against him and if anything, I'm glad that he made his position known beforehand.
My husband, and his parents would want to keep the child, and would love it unconditionally. My in laws already had to deal with another of their children who has two getting an abortion, my parents would disapprove of it, and quite frankly, I'd hate myself if I did it.
I'd rather have an accident child and try than abort it and regret it for the rest of my life. Abortion is not an option for me.
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