He loves me I think... (long distance, marry, women, older)
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That's exacty what it is. He always is afraid of being a burden to people. He dated one of my friends a couple years ago and he dumped her because she was immature and used to like cry everyday because he felt sick. I feel I can handle it really well. His sickness doesn't bother me. I grew up around a lot of sick family and feel strong enough to be in his life. I have told him this but he just is so set in his ways. I am more annoyed with his no commitment and how he says he likes me and seems to love the time we spend together and on the phone he seems to flirt with me etc.....but I get no relationship. His sickness is never a problem for me. Like when he came to visit me we were kissing and I threw out "yeah we'll do this and I wont hear from you for weeks on end." he immediately got all defensive and was like "well when im sick I cant call you and blah blah blah." I don't want him to think I cant handle it because I can. I meant it like when he isn't sick, he doesn't seem to call me either. He wasn't sick last weekend he went to a concert. This week he might be super sick. I have no idea. but when you don't tell me either what am I going to think.
This really sounds like you're setting yourself up for "rescuer syndrome," which is nothing to build a relationship on.
This really sounds like you're setting yourself up for "rescuer syndrome," which is nothing to build a relationship on.
What do you mean?? rescuer syndrome?? I am always there for him when he feels he wants to talk or he wants me around. I never feel it is 100% reciprocated. Like I could really use him right now. I am depressed over not being able to walk and I could use him to talk to and he doesn't call. but when he needs me he calls and I talk to him for hours because I care about him and love him.
Yup, make it short, and sweet, you'll get lots of advice! But my guess that you have to write out such a LONG story to ask if someone loves you, they don't. Move on and find someone that is into you!
What do you mean?? rescuer syndrome?? I am always there for him when he feels he wants to talk or he wants me around. I never feel it is 100% reciprocated. Like I could really use him right now. I am depressed over not being able to walk and I could use him to talk to and he doesn't call. but when he needs me he calls and I talk to him for hours because I care about him and love him.
Bingo, that's exactly what rescuer syndrome is. All the giving is one-sided.
A long-time poster here said that the longer the story, the more irrational the situation. You could have boiled the whole thing down into that statement right there. Words are just words ... pay attention to a person's ACTIONS. He can say anything he wants, but does he treat you with love and care?
What do you mean?? rescuer syndrome?? I am always there for him when he feels he wants to talk or he wants me around. I never feel it is 100% reciprocated. Like I could really use him right now. I am depressed over not being able to walk and I could use him to talk to and he doesn't call. but when he needs me he calls and I talk to him for hours because I care about him and love him.
I'm very picky with men though. I do want to be a girlfriend but to someone I find worthy and a good fit for me. I have had many guys want to commit to me in the past and I haven't liked them as much so it didn't work out. He and I just fit together. When were together we loose track of time in each other. we talk on the phone for hours on end forgetting about time. When were together we sometimes can just sit in silence or lay with each other's company in happiness. when were together it seems effortless, but a part I am so confused.
He has told me that exact statement "actions speak louder than words alex." maybe he is telling me that if he wanted me like a girlfriend he would treat me like a girlfriend. I just don't get it when were together he's so caring and cute and flirty and doting. He has told me that I have all the attributes he looks for in a girl. He told me I remind him of his mother and when I asked if that was a good thing he said "of course it is I love her." He has told me that I'm perfect in every sense of the word. Sometimes he used to look at me when I would say something like all in awe and tell me how "perfect" I am. He even told me I was perfect during the summer. After he was sick in the hospital and he called me I was calm, cool, collected. He thought I would be mad at him and was so shocked I wasn't. I told him I figured if he could call, he would. He told me I was perfect and he wished more people were like me. I don't get this guy.
I'm very picky with men though. I do want to be a girlfriend but to someone I find worthy and a good fit for me. I have had many guys want to commit to me in the past and I haven't liked them as much so it didn't work out. He and I just fit together. When were together we loose track of time in each other. we talk on the phone for hours on end forgetting about time. When were together we sometimes can just sit in silence or lay with each other's company in happiness. when were together it seems effortless, but a part I am so confused.
He has told me that exact statement "actions speak louder than words alex." maybe he is telling me that if he wanted me like a girlfriend he would treat me like a girlfriend. I just don't get it when were together he's so caring and cute and flirty and doting. He has told me that I have all the attributes he looks for in a girl. He told me I remind him of his mother and when I asked if that was a good thing he said "of course it is I love her." He has told me that I'm perfect in every sense of the word. Sometimes he used to look at me when I would say something like all in awe and tell me how "perfect" I am. He even told me I was perfect during the summer. After he was sick in the hospital and he called me I was calm, cool, collected. He thought I would be mad at him and was so shocked I wasn't. I told him I figured if he could call, he would. He told me I was perfect and he wished more people were like me. I don't get this guy.
1. You are both very young, too young to be so serious about a relationship.
2. From your ending, you need a lot of time by yourself. From the way you write, you sound co-dependent. Not only do you need a lot of attention from this male, but you expect people to read the Iliad to understand your story. If you cannot condense it down to the details we all need to help you... it's a sob story that no one else wants to read. It's melodramatic and unnecessary.
3. I'm going to repeat this, because it seems like an important message: spend some time alone.
You should move on AND figure out who you are on your own. If he thinks not having enough money is a good excuse not to be in a relationship with someone (you're not having children or buying a house any time soon), then he's just beating around the bush until he finds someone else to take his breath away.
If you know in your heart you are a good person (you've said it more than enough times), then be a good person and move on for yourself. Quit hoping someone else will take action when you can.
Any time you use phrases like, "I feel strong enough to be in his life..," you are departing from the reality of your relationship into the fantasy of where you WISH you were.
ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
His actions have brought you here. It sucks, but it's true.
Mod cut: reference to post which has been deleted.
@OP:
Have you heard of spoon theory? If not, google it. It explains why, if he goes to a concert, he cannot also call you.
Here's what I would do in your shoes:
Write him a letter, so he can think over what you say and doesn't have to respond right away. Tell him:
- You are ok with his sickness, and you need him to accept that, and get over himself.
- You want a real relationship at this time in your life. Your preference, your first choice, would be to have that with him. But if he is not willing, you are going to date other people. If that happens, you still want to be friends with him.
- Whether he is your boyfriend or friend, you need to feel that the emotional support is close to 50/50. You understand that sometimes he is too sick. But on his good days, and especially when you are having a bad day, you need him to move you up on the priority scale.
- Tell him directly that you have been having a rough time emotionally with this injury and you need his support.
(And, BTW, I have been there. I know how distressing it is to get hurt and suddenly not be able to do stuff for yourself, and be left out of social life. Talk about it to people, and you will discover that many many people have had injuries and they all understand .)
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-27-2020 at 09:06 AM..
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