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There is no other context in which ending a relationship in this manner is even remotely acceptable.
You can't just stop clocking into your job and expect your boss to take the hint that you've quit. You can't just stop showing up at school and expect your teachers to take the hint that you've dropped out. You can't leave Fido at the vet's and expect the vet to take the hint that you don't want your dog anymore. No reasonable person would honestly defend anyone who handled his or her business this way.
Yet, when it comes to relationships, we often do expect dumpees to just take the hint after a disappearing act, rather than demand a little common decency and respect from the dumper. Why is this?
I'd say you need to get out more. I've seen hundreds of people just walk out or off. For good reasons usually....
You owe them nothing when it gets to that point.
Pretty soon you will pay THEM to let you work there.
And rightfully so. But going out with someone once or twice is not comparable to most jobs in my mind. When I was supervising kids, they did this to me a lot. I agree with you that the behavior is not "acceptable", but I accept that it does happen.
It's okay to single me out. I don't mind.
It really is just an excuse. I don't really want to address the reasons why I'm dumping someone. I just did in my previous post, partially. But there were more issues that I did not want to hash out either with him or in this forum. It wouldn't serve any purpose in alleviating his pain. And yes, he DID know it was not working out. He knew it from the get go. Now whether or not he wants to accept that harsh truth is on him. But I wasn't going to stick around and be his therapist either.
Like I said, normally I am face to face. But to let you know for example, I did dump this one guy by words. Face to face. I let it rest for a few days, then I contacted him and told him to go ahead and let me have it. And he did. I've never been talked to that way before. Or rather, yelled and cursed at. The sad thing is, this was not the first time he talked to me that way. He went ape-poo on me back before we were even dating so I was prepared for it. Anyhow, I felt that it was important, since I was dumping him, that he get to say his peace, get it out of his system and feel like there was nothing left to be said.
I've broken up before and not said anything and not had much said to me, and that kills. I understand that, which is why I gave this guy the opportunity to have his say. That being said, I will never do it again. Allowing someone to have their say when they don't want the relationship to end, is just inviting someone to shred you to pieces. The bottom line is that I value my own sanity over theirs. If me going into hiding is what preserves my sanity, then that's what I'll do, and I'm not afraid to admit it to them. But don't mistake my admitting to doing that as giving you permission to take that moment to curse me out.
You can call it weak, and view it as such, but I only do that to preserve my well being. I'm not going to let you treat me like crap just so you feel better about being dumped. Nope. Take that crap to your therapist because that's likely part of the reason why I dumped you anyway.
Likewise, does anyone really want to be told why they were dumped? Why would you want someone hurt you that way? It's bad enough being dumped and all the feelings of inadequacy that go along with it. But to have someone list out all your faults to boot?
No thank you. I'll pass on that round table discussion.
Unless it was a recurring pattern.
I'm not certain why you would dump someone, and then contact them a few days later with a license to 'rip you'.
That was a bad idea. I assume you felt bad about what went down, and thought they may not 'rip you' nearly as much as you thought?
It's not really important though.
Reading your logic, I just see a lot of excuses as to why you 'won't do that again'. I wouldnt ever recommend contacting someone after a break up. I'm sure you had your logic.
Some people do want to know "whhhhhhhhhhyyyyyy?" I don't see much value in that. I once made a difficult call breaking up with a woman I was seeing long distance. She was upset, and wanted to know why. She got mad, and although she didnt curse me or be rude, it still was a tough call. But, she needed to talk and vent, and since I was walking away from being a part of her life, I felt I could hear her out. Even though the call went on so much longer than I wanted it to. We never spoke again. I had a feeling she was angry, so contacting her may have yielded the same results as you mention above with the angry guy.
At the end of the day, dumping and being dumped isnt easy, and there is no real standard. It's a difficult situation, and some people would rather just avoid the emotions if at all possible. I have not found consistency with people who I think have character and how they handle difficult situations. Most people know how most of the more common life situations should be handled, such as quitting a job, ending a relationship, but often times people don't handle such situations according to standard. Life in theory is easy, but IRL things aren't so black and white.
Do you think everyone is ok with this behavior? That's what it sounds like.
At any rate, you're wrong. It's not acceptable, but that doesn't mean the world's going to end if it happens. What good would it do to make a federal case out of some man/woman dropping off the radar?
Move on. Get over it. It's not worth the brain cells in the long run.
You can't just stop showing up at school and expect your teachers to take the hint that you've dropped out.
how do you think people usually drop out? "oh, i'm about to do this incredibly irresponsible thing, but oh i better fill out the proper TPS form first..."
what do mean by "acceptable"? what do you propose happen to people who break this rule? i think you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is
i do feel empathy for you if it just happened to you though. it does suck and feels like crap
I'm not certain why you would dump someone, and then contact them a few days later with a license to 'rip you'.
That was a bad idea. I assume you felt bad about what went down, and thought they may not 'rip you' nearly as much as you thought?
It's not really important though.
Reading your logic, I just see a lot of excuses as to why you 'won't do that again'. I wouldnt ever recommend contacting someone after a break up. I'm sure you had your logic.
Some people do want to know "whhhhhhhhhhyyyyyy?" I don't see much value in that. I once made a difficult call breaking up with a woman I was seeing long distance. She was upset, and wanted to know why. She got mad, and although she didnt curse me or be rude, it still was a tough call. But, she needed to talk and vent, and since I was walking away from being a part of her life, I felt I could hear her out. Even though the call went on so much longer than I wanted it to. We never spoke again. I had a feeling she was angry, so contacting her may have yielded the same results as you mention above with the angry guy.
At the end of the day, dumping and being dumped isnt easy, and there is no real standard. It's a difficult situation, and some people would rather just avoid the emotions if at all possible. I have not found consistency with people who I think have character and how they handle difficult situations. Most people know how most of the more common life situations should be handled, such as quitting a job, ending a relationship, but often times people don't handle such situations according to standard. Life in theory is easy, but IRL things aren't so black and white.
I did it because the break up was heated and I knew he wasn't finished. I did feel bad. I'm not a heartless shrew. I knew he didn't want the relationship to end, but I did. It was a total one sided break up and he didn't see it coming. At least, not on its face.
I said why I did it. To make sure he had his say and to allow him to move on without feeling that he never got to say what he wanted.
Sure it was stupid, and like I said, I'll not be doing it again.
If I had a choice between slinking away and being called a coward for it, and letting someone shred me, then call me a coward.
What you've described is the ideal norm. And I've gone through that too. But the OP wanted to know when slinking away was acceptable.
I feel that my example was an acceptable time to slink away.
Weak?
No.
The relationship had to end and there was no way it was going to end unless I put my foot down.
Would it be better had I told him all the reasons why the relationship ended?
No.
He knew as well as I did. He just didn't want to accept it.
I'd say you need to get out more. I've seen hundreds of people just walk out or off. For good reasons usually....
You owe them nothing when it gets to that point.
Pretty soon you will pay THEM to let you work there.
Same goes for rotten dates or SOs....
Once again, in typical CD fashion, a number of posters are insanely literal-minded and cannot distinguish between GENERAL statements and CATEGORICAL ones.
Yes, technically, you can just walk away from a job, or school, or whatever. It is possible for a human being to do such a thing. BUT THAT IS NOT MY POINT.
THE POINT IS THAT DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS IS RECOGNIZED AS UNUSUAL. DISAPPEARING ON A ROMANTIC PARTNER OFTEN ISN'T. IS THAT CLEAR NOW?????????
I'm sorry, but people on CD are constantly getting sidetracked with petty little crap like this, and the mods don't seem able to notice or care that so many threads get bogged down in bickering over totally irrelevant issues.
Another poster captured it perfectly:
Statement: Apples are red.
Reaction 1: But some apples are green.
Reaction 2: False. Fire engines are red, and fire engines are clearly not apples.
Reaction 3: What about the oranges? This thread should be fruit-neutral.
Reaction 4: I get so many apples you should call me Johnny Appleseed. I know everything about apples.
Reaction 5: I dislike apples.
Reaction 6: Apropos of nothing, here is a Whitensnake video and a picture of a hunting knife.
If you're talking about a relationship, no, absolutely not. If you've only been on 1-3 dates, yes, I think it's okay, although it would be courteous to say goodbye.
The only exception I can think of is if it's a super toxic relationship where you both might be too weak to fully break up. Then a disappearing act might be best.
Once again, in typical CD fashion, a number of posters are insanely literal-minded and cannot distinguish between GENERAL statements and CATEGORICAL ones.
No offense. I have no issue with your posts. But if people CONSISTENTLY are misunderstanding what you are saying, the lowest common denominator is probably you.
Reaction 1: But some apples are green.
Reaction 2: False. Fire engines are red, and fire engines are clearly not apples.
Reaction 3: What about the oranges? This thread should be fruit-neutral.
Reaction 4: I get so many apples you should call me Johnny Appleseed. I know everything about apples.
Reaction 5: I dislike apples.
Reaction 6: Apropos of nothing, here is a Whitensnake video and a picture of a hunting knife.
That is what is happening RIGHT NOW!!!
we thought your analogy was very flawed and said so. more like an original statement of "everyone knows apples are the worst tasting fruit" than the above. by ignoring it we might tacitly agree. making a generalization that's wrong is not the same as having people misunderstand it as a categorical one
i'm sorry you didn't get the feedback you wanted
the last part of my statement was actually empathy if you had gotten ghosted. now i'm curious. are you freshly hurt by someone doing this to you? or is this a general dissatisfaction you have with dating and it hasn't happened to you lately?
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