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Don't write her letters saying you're "sorry" or that you realize how wrong you were or anything. She won't believe them because you're just saying what you think you are expected to say. If such letters brought her back easily, it would only be a matter of time before you slipped back into your old ways. It's going to take time for you to do the self-examination you need to do to make structural change in how you view the world and interact with others.
As others have noted on here, you border on abusive, if you haven't crossed the line already, and I would not want a person like you in my life.
It's up to you to decide what you will do to become a person of better character. Good luck.
Abusers are always terribly contrite after the fact. I hope she sees you as you are, an emotionally, psychologically, almost physically violent man and high tails it out of the marriage before she ends up on the receiving end of your fist. I have no sympathy for you whatsoever.
Gives new meaning to the term "crocodile tears," doesn't it?
People don't just up and leave over one fight, even if it's a doozy. My money is on this not being the first time something like this happened. I'll bet the OP has been controlling her, manipulating her, and getting bent over stupid crap like manicures for years now. He said himself he has a lousy temper and says hurtful, mean things when he's angry. So now he hits a wall, and apparently so did she. Smart woman to get out of that situation.
The fight started over money. I saw that she had spent $40 on a manicure and I gave her a hard time about it. She said that she was tired of being mico-managed and she wanted to separate our finances - I told her that was fine but I wouldn't give her a dime out of my income (I know this was not the right thing to say, but I was angry...). When I said this I moderately banged the wall close to her arm (we were standing right beside each other). She asked if I was trying to hit her and I told her that if I was trying to hit her I would have (again, I know this was a dumb thing to say). Shortly after this unresolved argument we had a guest over for about 3 hours and we both acted completely normal. After the guest left I was on the couch thinking everything was fine and she walked to the door and said she was going to a hotel as she felt scared of me. Still mad, I told her not to come back.
I didn't expect her to get a hotel because I could not believe she was seriously afraid. I have never hit her (never would) but I do have a temper problem and I say mean things when I get mad. After an hour I realized she must have really gotten a hotel so I tried to call her and she had cut her phone off. I kept trying to call for a half an hour or so and her phone was still off. I got in my car and tried to look for her unsuccessfully. I was hurt that she left that way and turned her phone off and I showed my hurt through anger. I got very very mad and when she finally answered the phone I was a complete jerk.
I told her the I had no respect for her and regretted marrying her and wanted to try to undo the mistake I had made. She was not home but I started throwing things and just was generally in a complete state of rage. I also threw some of her clothes onto the front porch. I do have a temper, but I've never done anything like this...I know that I was wrong, but in my mind I told myself that she never should have left and turned off her phone which pushed me to the edge.
She finally returned late that night/early in the morning and we were both very calm and talked for about 30 minutes. But nothing really was resolved - I kept pushing her to talk and work things out but she was tired and didn't want to continue talking. The next morning I was mad and stubborn and wouldn't talk to her. I left that night for the trip.
She stayed with you for four years and married you for one. After investing five years of her life on you now she is asking for a divorce over one big fight? And it was all started because of a $40 expense? It doesn’t make any sense to me. There must have been many more precursors like this leading to her final decision. Perhaps she has reached the end of her tolerance for you. However, it’d be wrong of me to pass judgment solely based on your one-sided story, but I do think that a lot more have been going on prior to this particular incident.
I find it troubling that you call your wife “the woman of my dream” and even consider her as your “soulmate” and yet that is how you treat her. I don’t understand your behavior and rationale at all. Perhaps your “anger” is just a cover-up of issues that are far more serious and profound, issues that you don’t want to confront yourself either consciously or subconsciously. Whatever they are, it is extremely critical that you should deal with them honestly or the same thing would happen again even if she decides to give you a second chance and comes back to you.
You just don’t know how incredibly lucky you are to have someone that you can consider as your soulmate. I, on the other hand, have been plagued by a cruel illness for more than ten years which practically prohibits me from perusing personal relationship with anyone. I'm still alone after all these years. It truly saddens me a great deal to see how you throw it all away. I do wish you good luck but I’m afraid you might have to accept the fact that you’ve just killed your unicorn. Truly tragic....
Everytime you try to talk to her, all you're doing is pushing her further away. Just apologize, tell her you're at her mercy and give her space. Absolutley nothing else you can do at this point. And even if you didn't mean those hurtful things you said in anger, those thoughts must of crossed your mind at some point for it to even come out. She won't be able to ever forget your words.
I feel bad for both of you, but I can see why she left. I can't imagine how she must have felt with you screaming and throwing things and hitting the wall right next to her. All over getting a manicure. If she works and contributes and isn't prone to getting manicures instead of paying the electric bill, then she should be able to treat herself without your permission. I can see how she must have been scared. And to hear your husband say your marriage is a mistake and he doesn't respect you - ouch! What a truly terrible thing to say. It sounds like you are truly sorry, but to her those are just words. And I often think anything said in anger must be at least a little bit true. Otherwise why would you even think to say it? How could you truly love someone and hold them in as high of regard as you say you do on here, but then treat them so terribly?
I'm glad you take responsibility for your issues and that you are getting help. But I wouldn't count on her coming back. And I would leave her alone. Work on yourself. If you really do love your wife, then respect her space and give her time to sort out her feelings without you pestering her. If you REALLY love her, then you should want her to be happy even if that means it won't be with you. And that will be your burden to bear knowing that you pushed her away. We all have to accept the consequences of our actions.
I was married a year ago to the woman of my dreams (dated for four years). The last five years have been the best years of my life and I love her more than I thought I was capable of loving. We do everything together and have been that way since we first met 5 years ago. She is my best friend and I truly believe that she is my soul mate in life.
But two weeks ago she left me. We had our worst fight ever and though I wasn't violent I said some very terrible things out of anger that I never should have said. The day after the fight I left on a business trip for 3 days and we didn't speak during the time I was away. We continued to not speak the next day and finally the next day I called her to make up and that's when she told me that things had changed and she didn't feel the same way anymore. So she leased an apartment somewhere in the same city (I still don't know where she lives) and we have been apart ever since.
I'm devastated. I never ever would have seen this coming. While we were inseparable, in retrospect (and through the things she has said), I know that I didn't do a good job of showing how much she meant to me. I didn't compliment her, I didn't give her gifts, and I was too focused on things that feel so unimportant to me now (work, finances) to give her the attention that she deserves. She showered me with love and affection and was a complete giver in our our relationship and all I did was take. She told me that she feels unloved, has a low self-esteem, and feels like she doesn't know herself because she's merely been a participant my life.
We both have stressful jobs, and both are in the middle of particularly stressful times at work. Perhaps this environment contributed to our separation. In my mind the fact that I work so hard is a testament to how much I love her - I do it so that we can have the future that we want. But she didn't see it that way and I can understand that. I needed to do more and I know that now.
So I have begged and pleaded with her to come back and she is completely stoic and steadfast in saying that our relationship is over, she wants a divorce, and she at the very least needs a lot of time apart to discover herself. When I try to talk to her she always has reasons that she can't talk, and when I finally do talk to her our conversations are short for one reason or another (have to think about work, around her family, this conversation is going nowhere, etc.). A few days ago she told me there was no reason to talk because nothing I could say would change her mind. Since then she has been ignoring my texts and calls.
I'm completely devastated. I can't seriously comprehend the thought of losing her so I have denied to myself that divorce is an option even though right now I feel like it is a strong possibility based on my wife's actions. I barely eat (have lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks) and I am hardly functional at work. When I'm home I fluctuate between trying to better myself (work out, clean the house, self-help) and depression over thinking of where my life stands.
I have never cheated on my wife and I'm 99.9% sure that she is not cheating. I believe that she is seriously hurt over the things I said in the fight (I have no respect for her, regret marrying her, etc.) and it truly has caused her to interpret my lack of affection as a lack of love for her. She would tell me when we were still talking that I didn't love her, to stop lying to myself, and that I would eventually meet someone that I wanted to cherish and do things for - but she obviously is not that person. So, part of me thinks that this is her just extremely hurt and feeling unloved.
What do I do? What can I do? I have read some relationship articles/forums regarding what to do when this happens and generally the consensus is to cut off contact because nothing I can say will change her mind. When and if I do speak to her, I need to be confident and not whiny and definitely not ask her to come back. She needs to reach that conclusion on her own. I hear all of that, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do?
I am so heartbroken and don't know what to do . I'm starting to feel like what she is doing is very selfish, and I have told her as much, but I also know that she is so sensitive and what I have done to her likely has truly hurt her and is causing her to react this way. I want to work this out and I know that we can, but I fear that I won't even get the chance.
I know that you regret what you did, so I am not going to castrate you. I'm pretty sure that you're hurting enough. This is just my opinion. So take it for what it's worth. I think that when you left, you left too many days with her to think that you meant what you said. Even though you said that you didn't. I do believe you that you didn't mean what said to her; however, by you letting it go for a few days-she definitely thought that you meant what you said. So, now she's BELIEVING that you really did feel that way about her and that possibly you just miss her and want her back, yet still feel those thing about her. In her mind, she might be feeling like you just feel bad because it hurt her and you might have lost her, but didn't really know that truly never meant any of it, because in a way, you led her to believe that is what you do think of her. You did this by letting days go by without telling her otherwise. You are in a tough predicament. I think most of us can see that you truly do feel bad, but it might get worse before it gets better.
I personally would write a note explaining at least this. Then, she can take time to think about it. Don't bother her anymore. I think notes are good means to communicate when communication has become so difficult. It helps to get out exactly what you mean/ feel without being sidetracked or interrupted. Most likely (and this is just speculation from reading your post) you two lack the ability to communicate which many people suffer. By a note, you can get your point across without any bitterness and without being interrupted. She will have time to reflect on it and hopefully on whatever part she might cause in it. She might if she's not perfect, look at her own role in it. After that, leave her alone. Give her her space.
I truly think that this could have been worked out sooner had you acted right away. Then again, I am no mind reader, so I really don't even know that. The wait, in my opinion caused her so many doubts, and the fact that you let her think that for days has put her in a really bad place. Bad for you perhaps too. She might just have had enough. In the end, none of us know. I wish you luck. I've had many heartbreaks in my life too. Most of us have been there.
P.S. If you can't write her a note, show her this. Show her how wrong you feel and that you are willing to get help because you love her so much. Who knows, it just might work.
I know that you regret what you did, so I am not going to castrate you. I'm pretty sure that you're hurting enough. This is just my opinion. So take it for what it's worth. I think that when you left, you left too many days with her to think that you meant what you said. Even though you said that you didn't. I do believe you that you didn't mean what said to her; however, by you letting it go for a few days-she definitely thought that you meant what you said. So, now she's BELIEVING that you really did feel that way about her and that possibly you just miss her and want her back, yet still feel those thing about her. In her mind, she might be feeling like you just feel bad because it hurt her and you might have lost her, but didn't really know that truly never meant any of it, because in a way, you led her to believe that is what you do think of her. You did this by letting days go by without telling her otherwise. You are in a tough predicament. I think most of us can see that you truly do feel bad, but it might get worse before it gets better.
I personally would write a note explaining at least this. Then, she can take time to think about it. Don't bother her anymore. I think notes are good means to communicate when communication has become so difficult. It helps to get out exactly what you mean/ feel without being sidetracked or interrupted. Most likely (and this is just speculation from reading your post) you two lack the ability to communicate which many people suffer. By a note, you can get your point across without any bitterness and without being interrupted. She will have time to reflect on it and hopefully on whatever part she might cause in it. She might if she's not perfect, look at her own role in it. After that, leave her alone. Give her her space.
I truly think that this could have been worked out sooner had you acted right away. Then again, I am no mind reader, so I really don't even know that. The wait, in my opinion caused her so many doubts, and the fact that you let her think that for days has put her in a really bad place. Bad for you perhaps too. She might just have had enough. In the end, none of us know. I wish you luck. I've had many heartbreaks in my life too. Most of us have been there.
P.S. If you can't write her a note, show her this. Show her how wrong you feel and that you are willing to get help because you love her so much. Who knows, it just might work.
Thank you. I believe there is a lot of truth in what you say. If I could turn back time and not be so stubborn I would.
Thank you. I believe there is a lot of truth in what you say. If I could turn back time and not be so stubborn I would.
Regrets, I always preach are the worst things in life. And trust me, I have had my fair share of them! I think most of us do. But no matter what happens, hang in there. Even if she doesn't give you another shot, (I know that you don't want to hear this now) learn from this. Good luck guy.
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. I'm starting to feel like what she is doing is very selfish, and I have told her as much, but I also know that she is so sensitive and what I have done to her likely has truly hurt her and is causing her to react this way. I want to work this out and I know that we can, but I fear that I won't even get the chance.
