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It's always been important to me in relationships -- one of the first things I look at in initially dating someone is, what can I learn from them? What do they have expertise in that I think is cool, but don't know a lot about yet? And vice versa; what do I have to share that they like?
But I have been thinking for a while that there are some aspects of this that made sense when I was in my 20s and don't now.
Back then, if a person was kind of dim about social stuff -- how to be supportive when someone is upset, or manners, or how to handle their own emotions -- I didn't take that as a reason not to date them. We were all just growing up and learning that stuff. Now, in my 40s, I see it very differently.
Like I say, I have been thinking this for a while, a few years. But the other day, I was reading a parenting a book and it hit me differently, and like a ton of bricks. I realised that what I have done in the past with partners was parenting. Not all the time, not in all aspects of our relationship -- of course not. But in the very specific realm of dealing with emotions, theirs and others'.
And I started asking myself what it would be like to be with someone who did not need that. And what else I have to teach that I might enjoy more.
Have any of y'all been through something like this? Changing what sorts of exchanges you are open to, and what you are not?
Last edited by NilaJones; 10-20-2013 at 08:49 PM..
I understood the first sentence and I agree with you. I find people with different cultural and socio-economic backgrounds than mine fascinating. People like me: , not so much fun, reminds me of faculty meetings.
I prefer people with a similar personality to me, and I like to share interests/hobbies, however I like to learn new cultures/foods/languages so I always like to meet people from other countries.
It's always been important to me in relationships -- one of the first things I look at in initially dating someone is, what can I learn from them? What do they have expertise in that I think is cool, but don't know a lot about yet? And vice versa; what do I have to share that they like?
But I have been thinking for a while that there are some aspects of this that made sense when I was in my 20s and don't now.
Back then, if a person was kind of dim about social stuff -- how to be supportive when someone is upset, or manners, or how to handle their own emotions -- I didn't take that as a reason not to date them. We were all just growing up and learning that stuff. Now, in my 40s, I see it very differently.
Like I say, I have been thinking this for a while, a few years. But the other day, I was reading a parenting a book and it hit me differently, and like a ton of bricks. I realised that what I have done in the past with partners was parenting. Not all the time, not in all aspects of our relationship -- of course not. But in the very specific realm of dealing with emotions, theirs and others'.
And I started asking myself what it would be like to be with someone who did not need that. And what else I have to teach that I might enjoy more.
Have any of y'all been through something like this? Changing what sorts of exchanges you are open to, and what you are not?
I went through a phase where I wanted to be with someone opposite from me, thinking my strengths can be their weaknesses, and my weaknesses their strengths.
Then I realized, "Wait a second. Everything I need from someone is also something I have within me" maybe just not always, but surely, I learned quickly.
Now, looking back at all my relationships, I realize my most rewarding ones where those that help me to feel inspired like running into that special someone where you feel safe and at home with usually stems from feeling whole as an individual and enjoying that relationship for what it is, rather than what it could be, and really feeling centered inside.
(I really hate that statement "it is what it is" and sometimes, it really is, and accepting what is and seeing someone for who and what they are instead of what "could be" is more freeing. Because love requires acceptance).
It's always been important to me in relationships -- one of the first things I look at in initially dating someone is, what can I learn from them? What do they have expertise in that I think is cool, but don't know a lot about yet? And vice versa; what do I have to share that they like?
But I have been thinking for a while that there are some aspects of this that made sense when I was in my 20s and don't now.
Back then, if a person was kind of dim about social stuff -- how to be supportive when someone is upset, or manners, or how to handle their own emotions -- I didn't take that as a reason not to date them. We were all just growing up and learning that stuff. Now, in my 40s, I see it very differently.
Like I say, I have been thinking this for a while, a few years. But the other day, I was reading a parenting a book and it hit me differently, and like a ton of bricks. I realised that what I have done in the past with partners was parenting. Not all the time, not in all aspects of our relationship -- of course not. But in the very specific realm of dealing with emotions, theirs and others'.
And I started asking myself what it would be like to be with someone who did not need that. And what else I have to teach that I might enjoy more.
Have any of y'all been through something like this? Changing what sorts of exchanges you are open to, and what you are not?
yes.
if i can humbly say so myself (and i know some would suggest otherwise) i have a wealth of social, dating/relationship, education/career, travel/international experience and tend to think i am fairly knowledgeable and conversant in many topics. however, i never offer to discuss those topics for sharing knowledge or experience unless it comes up for some reason. and, surprise, it rarely does come up but when it does on those occasions i can win brownie points.
interestingly, what i have discovered is that while it may not come up often, most of my SOs just love the fact that i can handle any issue or problem that comes up. forget about sharing knowledge, my knowledge and experience is available on demand. even with education, i doesnt bother me if my SO never finished or just has a GED as long as she is physically attractive to me and treats me well. and i like to say that i have enough degrees for the both of us so it doesn't matter "as long as she treats me right".
now for the flip side, what do i learn from her? well since i date younger women, the knowledge is primary social, e.g., where to go clubs/bar/restaurants, tech notes to keep me current, trends and style. and there also a sense of vicarious living in seeing her steer career, grad school, etc.
but the one thing i count on to "learn from her", really is having her direct our social interactions with others, to do entertaining activites, and to take my mind away from my adult responsibilities. it's just much more entertaining that way, and i always learn from observations and small talk.
Competency, passion, and curiosity are all aphrodisiacs for me. I love being able to learn from my DH, and he has a lot of competencies in areas I don't (survival training, physical fitness, hand to hand combat,mechanical things, etc.). I love learning things from him. What can he learn from me? Cooking, fashion, skin care, photography, gardening, etc. (Ok, now I sound insanely girlie, he also defers to me on financial planning, politics, etc.)
So, I can hit a bulls eye and find all your pressure points, and he can tell why the outfit is horrible on Project Runway. /lol
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And I started asking myself what it would be like to be with someone who did not need that. And what else I have to teach that I might enjoy more.
Have any of y'all been through something like this? Changing what sorts of exchanges you are open to, and what you are not?
Yeah, I'm going through some similar stuff.
I've posted all this before, but as a recap. Mid forties, young at heart, been separated just over two years and recently finalized my divorce. In general, approaching life with an open mind and a new lease on life....
So I've really been trying to "challenge" myself to date other types. One thing is to date people who really have their act together. I think sometimes it's like hitting the easy button to date people who I have much to offer, but they have less to offer me (it's also somewhat shallow of me to not realize what all they might have to offer, but that's a different subject). So I've been trying to stretch myself a bit, and date people who can have whoever they want. Who don't "need" me. Who I can learn something from, and also who I might be able to teach something to.
I've been thinking about this for quite a while now, but really haven't taken the opportunity to put my thoughts into words, so I'm sure this all came out wrong.
But in the grand scheme, I think romantic relationships are just like any other type of relationship (friends, business, client/vendor, etc.) in that they ultimately need to balance out. There needs to be a relative amount of equality regarding what each party brings to the table, and what each party gets to take away. As long as that balance is kept, things are good, but when it leans too far in one direction or the other, the scales tip, and schit falls apart.
That's my take, and lately I try to apply that principle to many things in life.
Excellent thread (as I've come to expect from OP).
Wow, I am so glad this thread got bumped. I had missed some wonderful posts .
Rereading, I still don't see why my OP was confusing...
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Teaching and learning from each other?
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