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I have posted on here a few times but if you don't know the history, here goes:
My boyfriend (neither of us want to get married) and I have been together for nearly 10 years. It was always our goal to save money and buy an apartment together.
While my heart was never fully in it (I am a very adventurous person and would like to travel a LOT more, even take my passion for English and teach it overseas if possible), I always went along with it as people assured me it was the right, smart thing to do and that there would be “plenty of time” for the other stuff after we’d purchased a property.
We currently rent and recently the owner called and said they would be selling our rented apartment at the beginning of next year. This rushed the buying process.
We have been looking at a number of properties and last week we found a nice one and have since declared our interest and applied for a pre-approval loan. I have been in a daze all of this week because I know, in my heart, that I’m not ready and that I am only doing it because I know how badly HE wants it. He is nearly 50 years old (I'm 31) and this is all he wants in life. To be with me and to own a home.
It’s not just the house. It’s our relationship, too. We haven’t had sex in over a year. I have no interest in it with him and feel, although very very very strong, only platonic feelings towards him.
If I confess I don’t want to buy this property it will leave him nearly 50, homeless if the rented property sells, alone and miserable as our relationship will surely be over. He is a good man who has always been wonderful to me (despite the not so nice things I have said on here) and I am struggling big time with this. If I say nothing I will be miserable, putting my life savings toward someone else’s dream.
It sounds like the relationship is a dead end - why perpetuate a sexless, empty relationship? This is a great opportunity to end it. He will survive - he's an adult, and unless you're supporting him, he'll get by. It's great to be concerned about his well-being, but only you can be in charge of your own.
NO! Don't spend your life savings on this relationship. Doesn't he have any savings?
Why would he be homeless? Doesn't he have income? Couldn't he find a place to live?
This is the ideal time to for your two to split. It sounds that is where you want this to go, anyway. Why would you go along with buying a house if you don't want to do so?
I imagine there is more to the story than you have shared. But don't buy a house with this guy if you don't love him the way you should love him.
And if you do, don't put his name on the title, especially if you are providing the down payment!
Why would he be homeless? Doesn't he have income? Couldn't he find a place to live?
The rented house will be sold and he will have to find another place to live. He doesn’t want to rent anymore, he wants to buy. Perhaps homeless was the wrong word.
He spent his youth being frivolous and carefree with his money, and now he wants to buy. I sometimes want to shout “It’s not my fault it took you this long to save for a house because your spent your 20’s, 30’s and even most of your 40’s partying it up”.
I have always had major issues with making sure everyone else is happy over myself. I don’t know how to shake the feeling.
I have posted on here a few times but if you don't know the history
i actually do remember you. we give you the same advice every single time and you keep coming back. we're going to keep giving you the same advice. please do the right thing and end this relationship this time. good luck
Quote:
Originally Posted by OdysseusNY
i just looked at your original thread
you're quite clearly afraid to leave him. even 9 months ago you came right out and said you didn't love him, yet you're still in the exact same position
i don't really think it's that important to figure out why you're so afraid. that's nice to know, but it's more important to overcome your fear and leave him. read your own posts from a 3rd party perspective. it's very, very obvious
you could, at this very moment, do yourself a great service by breaking up with him. right now. possibly a service for him too. it's very unhealthy for you both to be together. maybe it would shake him out of his unhealthy state
any further posts by you are just your fear. there is no need for more discussion in your situation. you can discuss things with your friends, your therapist, strangers on the internet, whoever... after you break up
[for those who haven't clicked back, she's 30 he's 50, he's obese, wastes his sex drive on porn, gives her the silent treatment for days at at time, etc]
I looked back on your posts and it appears you've been unhappy for almost a year (probably more, I'm just judging this based on CD). So you know it is not going to get better and you will probably not feel happier. You need a change. You also need to know that if you break up with this guy, he'll probably not want to see you or talk to you for a long time. You will need to be able to deal with that. Don't expect him to be your friend right after you break up, especially if he's still in love with you. The no-sex thing is pretty weird though. Maybe he also feels platonically about you now...?
You are making some very destructive choices in your life. You will be a lot happier if you have some help in changing that pattern.
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