Getting a relationship versus sustaining one (dating, wife, long-term, how to)
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With credit to Lilac for one of her comments in another thread that gave me the idea for this one.
Quote:
That's part of the work of relationships and marriage. Getting a partner is nothing compared to keeping one for the long term.
A lot of lamenting here by folks who struggle to find someone to have a relationship with, but that truly is nothing compared to the constant effort required to maintain a relationship over the long-term. With the right person, it doesn't feel like effort or work, but you have to keep investing of yourself all the time. You're not "done" once you find someone to be in a relationship with.
I am in a relationship that is around the 10 year mark now with no sign of abating. So all good there.
I do not think I "have what it takes" however as I do not think there is a set list of things to "have".
A relationship between two people is either going to work - or it is not - and I am not sure I would want to sell people the idea that if so far it has not worked for them - that they are somehow lacking in what someone else imagines "it takes".
Alas all too often - which we see on many threads around this forum for example - people think if relationships have not worked out that something must be -wrong with them- and I would hate to feed into that baseless and hurtful impression people falsely have.
People like to "relax" and kick their heels up once they get someone, and many people cite that as a perk of being in a relationship, but I am of the mind that even when you get someone, you need to continue in the pursuit of impressing them and that nervousness feeling as if you are still in the beginning stages of dating. You should never relax or be confident that they're never going anywhere, even in marriage. This keeps you both sharp and willing to please and your relationship always alive. You don't turn into the walking dead (as I like to call them).
With credit to Lilac for one of her comments in another thread that gave me the idea for this one.
A lot of lamenting here by folks who struggle to find someone to have a relationship with, but that truly is nothing compared to the constant effort required to maintain a relationship over the long-term. With the right person, it doesn't feel like effort or work, but you have to keep investing of yourself all the time. You're not "done" once you find someone to be in a relationship with.
Do you know and/or have what it takes to do that?
That's just your opinion because the first part has always been easy for you guys.
Finding someone attracted to me is bar none the biggest obstacle.
When I have them, it's the good part. I have never looked upon any of my relationships badly and I'd still be friends with all of them except one doesn't do things that way. How could I look at them badly? These are women who have liked me over dozens upon dozens who have rejected me.
But yes, in general you are correct. So, if it easy for you to find people to date and you have problems finding someone to be compatible with, just imagine how much harder that is for someone who can't find any women attracted to him!
A lot of lamenting here by folks who struggle to find someone to have a relationship with, but that truly is nothing compared to the constant effort required to maintain a relationship over the long-term. With the right person, it doesn't feel like effort or work, but you have to keep investing of yourself all the time. You're not "done" once you find someone to be in a relationship with.
I've often wondered that about the really down-and-out people on this board who complain about not "getting" partners. It's as if they think once someone agrees to go out with you everything will fall into place from there or that the hard work is done, which is not how it happens at all. It's a process, not a one-time event.
Well, getting a relationship started is a matter of chemistry and social aptitude. There's a lot of randomness to it all. You probably walk past or converse with tens of thousands of people of the opposite sex during your single days, so chances are you will have brushed by dozens who, had you said or done the right things, might have blossomed into a relationship. This is why the best advice for the lovelorn is "Get out there and meet people." Because it really is a numbers game, one in which you improve with practice.
But a relationship is harder -- and ultimately way more rewarding.
I remember sitting in my sixth-grade homeroom and watching all the girls passing around a copy of a bridal magazine. They were folding down the corners, talking about the dresses they wanted, and the whole nine yards. That moment has stuck with me, for I think that's what so many people are about when it comes to relationships. They view the wedding as the finish line, when the race has just begun in all actuality.
When MrsCPG and I set up housekeeping, it was weird. I was 28 and she was 26. I had lived on my own for several years, and had to readjust to a completely different way of living. More than once, when she was bothering me about something while I wanted to watch a baseball game, I caught myself thinking, "My God. Is she NEVER going home?" Except it was our home. So you have to learn how to live with someone, not just live for yourself.
More importantly, you have to learn to give up part of yourself in order to create something bigger. For a relationship is more than the sum of its parts. A relationship is something unto itself, something you build together. The relationship then becomes more important than your needs. It is also something more important than the other person's needs. For what is good for you individually might not be good for the relationship, no matter how much you rationalize matters.
So to nurture a relationship you have to learn new things about yourself and about life. It means that parts of your past life must die, or at least be scaled way back. Watch ESPN every night when you're single, and you're just seriously dull. Watch ESPN every night when you're married, and you're a bad husband and father. Blow all your money on a video game system when you're single, and you aren't very prudent. Blow all your money on a video game system when you're married and the house needs fixing or a host of other things, and you're a self-centered idiot. Mind you, I'm speaking from a guy's perspective. But women have their own examples of bad behavior. Pick one.
I've been married 22 years now. It hasn't been one long smooth road littered with rose petals. We've had our challenges. But, my God, I wouldn't exchange it for any single aspect of my single life, fun as it might have been.
Some folks are better at campaigning-getting elected-than they are at doing the governing (not-so-glamorous day-to-day work).
Same can be said for landing a position at a job (being impressive at interview), versus actually performing the work effectively (and reliably, over time).
And so it goes, for relationships-be they platonic or romantic:
Some folks are far better at starting new relationships than they are at maintaining those relationships once they're no longer new,
and some folks are way better at maintaining a relationship than they are at getting one in the first place.
Some of us are better at putting out a good impression (charisma, hype, or social grace),
and others of us are more rewarding the better you get to know us (if we get a chance).
And some lucky folks are skilled at both positive p.r. about themselves (attracting others),
as well as continuing to participate (positively) in a relationship once they've acquired that role.
I think I do fine at keeping relationships going (I have had a couple long ones) but not so well at determining whether they are worth keeping.
Where I go wrong is that, if my partner is not doing their share of the relationship-preserving work, I step up and do more. Probably what I should do instead is look more closely at why they are not doing half.
I tend to assume (and this is maybe because I mostly date geeky guys) that they just don't have the skills, and that is fine -- there are other skills that they have and I don't. They can fix the computer and I can maintain the cuddliness.
But sometimes the skill level is really just not going to work, long term. It is too wearing on me. Other times, they may have the skills and I just think they don't -- really they are not applying themselves because they are uncommitted. That happened to me once.
So, I think I need to think more and not just step in and do stuff.
Neither finding or keeping someone you want to be with is easy. I found my wife early in life. I got lucky. But even 20 years later we had ups and downs. Most ups very few downs but. It's still work
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