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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari
You can't trust a woman who broke an agreement to have an abortion before ever getting pregnant but you are ok being with a woman who would agree to killing your child just because?
If it was me raising the child by myself or with another woman, fine. It's my GF that's the problem. I can barely stand the sight of her after her lying to me. Yet she'll get to keep the baby, which puts me in a crappy position since I doubt I'll want to be with her.
That's where you chose to sow your seed. Don't make the same mistake twice.
her not keeping to your agreement isn't a lie, you don't know it's a lie unless she specifically confirms that she was lying when she agreed to it.
she most likely had a change of heart, get over it.
you said yourself that you don't mind the being a father part, that you do love her, but this "lie" disgusts you...
you sound like a crybaby, get over yourself.
Call it what you want - she broke an agreement that we had. I would have never had sex using her ovulation calendar method without the agreement. Never.
I would have a modicum of respect for her if, before having sex, she said to me, "I may or may not have an abortion. Who knows what I'll do. Hee hee "
But instead she said, while pressuring me to using the ovulation calendar method, "I promise that worst case scenario I will get an abortion if anything happens using this method."
Ok, so we had an agreement. And now she is breaking it. I just can't trust her anymore.
You can't trust a woman who broke an agreement to have an abortion before ever getting pregnant but you are ok being with a woman who would agree to killing your child just because?
I would say that he was being somewhat responsible by discussing this subject BEFORE they were in the situation, and (seemingly) knowing where he stood. Just because you discuss how you might deal with an unexpected pregnancy does not necessarily equate to using abortion as birth control. I mean you really don't know that either of them took it as lightly as you and others imply.
Your after-the-fact, holier-than-thou logic seems to indicate that you they should have never even discussed it, because unless someone has the same values as you, they are not valid anyway.
I don't advocate for abortion as a means of birth control, but I am pointing out that there is a LOT of conjecture, and judgement going on here, by a LOT of people that were not there to know what was really felt or discussed.
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.
She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.
I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.
What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust. She wants to keep the relationship and would like to get married to me.
Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.
If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.
I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is so broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?
The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.
You take the cake. I don't even know where to begin. But let me start in hopes that you'll acquire some freaking wisdom. Or so some other guy can learn from your example.
1) Don't have sex with someone unless you're prepared for the consequences. That means having a baby. It is a biological act with two participants. Babies don't just spontaneously generate in the womb.
2) You're really, really clueless if you think that something she scribbled on a piece of paper has any bearing on how she now views the life of her child. Before she conceived, it was all an abstraction to her. Now, it's cold stone reality. And by that, I'm not trying to get into the entire abortion debate. But many a woman has had one view on abortion, only to have a complete 180-degree change of mind the moment they realized they were pregnant. It doesn't have anything to do with something she wrote in haste. It has everything to do with how she feels right now.
3) There's a word for those who have sex without protection: Parents. If you were too muleheaded to wear a condom, then why the hell are you so surprised that you're now going to be a daddy?
4) Like it or not, you are in it for the long haul with this woman. She might have trapped you, or she might have gotten pregnant completely by accident. All that is irrelevant now. Might as well swallow all that resentment now and make the best of things. Because, married or not, you're going to be making child support payments for the next 18-22 years. I have seen the consequences of people who take out their bitterness on the relationship and the child and it's really not pretty. If you have any sense of responsibility, you'll man up here.
5) What's done is done. You made a huge mistake. She likely made a huge mistake. But you can recover from mistakes. Might as well make the best of it.
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.
She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.
I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.
What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust. She wants to keep the relationship and would like to get married to me.
Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.
If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.
I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is so broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?
The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.
You knew the risks and chose to have sex anyway.
Most younger people who feel as strongly as you do about not having kids use 2 forms of birth control - but you were content to just "go along to get along".
You say you love her.
Let's see if that's true.
Your choices going forward will either prove you do, or prove you are a "liar" too.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,718,665 times
Reputation: 41376
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222
Call it what you want - she broke an agreement that we had. I would have never had sex using her ovulation calendar method without the agreement. Never.
I would have a modicum of respect for her if, before having sex, she said to me, "I may or may not have an abortion. Who knows what I'll do. Hee hee "
But instead she said, while pressuring me to using the ovulation calendar method, "I promise that worst case scenario I will get an abortion if anything happens using this method."
Ok, so we had an agreement. And now she is breaking it. I just can't trust her anymore.
I would love you to go to any court in the US and attempt to enforce this agreement. Half the judges would want you hung and half would laugh you outta court.
It's both your faults end of story. Have you considered that she was not lying but after finding out she has a little person growing inside her has changed her mind? People change their minds it doesn't mean they are liars or that they intensionally betray their loved ones. Being a parent is amazing even if you are unsure just now you will love your child more than life regardless of your personal circumstances or marital status. Congratulations you're very lucky to be having a baby.
I would love you to go to any court in the US and attempt to enforce this agreement. Half the judges would want you hung and half would laugh you outta court.
This has nothing to do with the legality of the agreement. I'm not talking about law here. I'm talking about her doing a bait and switch.
This has nothing to do with the legality of the agreement. I'm talking about law here. I'm talking about her doing a bait and switch.
Can you admit that when she found out she was pregnant that her views on abortion and the views of killing her own child could have changed?
You sound like a winner.
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