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I have a friend who is in a 2+ yr relationship and he recently decided to move in with his GF. Looks like things were going good and they were discussing marriage etc. but now after just 2 months of moving in I guess he feels differently for whatever reason.
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Originally Posted by Liberty2011
Living with someone is a huge adjustment. HUGE. It's trial and error, learning to mesh personalities and living styles, sharing responsibilities. Barring something drastic that has happened between them beyond living together, two months seems kind of early, to bail.
It's better that she find out how sheltered and unequipped he is now. Then he can go back to playing xBox and masturbating to pixelated women he'll never have to share closet space with or see without make-up.
I think everyone should, I think it's a great test to see if you can handle living with that person.
If you have not spent enough time with a person to know how they are at home, then you have no business even contemplating marriage. I would never EVER live with someone...but I guarantee I would know enough about them to be comfortable before I got married.
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Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne
You know, I don't even know if I agree that living with someone is some great test. To me, staying together for 10+ years is a lot more difficult than learning--during the honeymoon stage--if someone leaves the toilet seat up.
You better believe I would know all that...and more. And all without living together.
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Originally Posted by srjth
I will never understand why people move in together before marriage.
Agreed! It's completely unnecessary as far as "learning about the other person".
All this makes me feel rather sad. My perspective used to be that you love this person and you make the commitment to not only love them but don't plan on a back door out.
I don't like the idea of living together. To me it is basically admitting upfront it may fail. When I commit I plan on making my best effort instead of planning all these options.
I don't like the idea of living together. To me it is basically admitting upfront it may fail. When I commit I plan on making my best effort instead of planning all these options.
How is living with someone an "option"?
Not living together because you think you may break up with that person is more of working with options. I don't think that's bad reasoning.
I agree. What dealbreakers do you only discover by living together? That he leaves the cap off the toothpaste?
LMAO. Seriously, I didn't learn anything different from living with my husband after we got married. We didn't really have to adjust to one another...we just continued life together under one roof instead of two.
I would not be interested in sharing my space with someone unless I'm 100% committed to them and wanting to share with them. The only way I'd be that committed is through marriage...anything less than that I'd keep my own space. The convenience factor or "test" doesn't appeal to me.
There are two train of thoughts here - once you move in with someone you should not break up and just try to work it out since moving in is like a commitment towards marriage. Breaking up after moving in is equivalent to divorce in some people's eyes.
Wait, so those people would say that it's better to take a bad relationship to the marriage level, because it would look bad to break up while there's an opportunity to do so without involving lawyers?
I agree. What dealbreakers do you only discover by living together? That he leaves the cap off the toothpaste?
For a person like me, an introvert who needs their space, it's amazing all the dealbreakers you unearth when you live with someone. Even when you stay at someone's house for a month straight, it's not the same.
And if you didn't see my earlier post, I learned that my husband couldn't give me time alone as I needed....for my sanity. He just could not leave me alone for more than 15 mins. I'd ask him to leave me alone, that I just needed down time from people, sound, light, tv, etc. But yet, every 15-20 mins, he'd come and check in on me, see if I needed anything, etc. Sadly, this is not uncommon for extroverts (I've lived with many, most can't leave me alone as I need). And I have learned that needs to be a dealbreaker because if I can't decompress, I will eventually go crazy. I didn't see it with my XH because of our work schedules.
I respect everyone's choice to live with someone, or not, but for some of us, only living together can show us what we need to know. Why knock that just because you don't need it yourself?
I lived with someone I had known growing up in the same neighborhood. He was also a friend of my brother's and they would stop over every weekend to shoot the breeze and stuff. So, there was some quality history to work with before we moved in together. He moved into my house. No point in having the apartment if you are never there. It, too, only lasted a few months.
There were a number of reasons, some I will not list here, which culminated in its demise - not just one thing. One, my brother was really ticked off I was even dating his friend he acted like a jealous girlfriend. I thought them knowing each other would be a benefit. It's been about 10 years and my brother still won't talk to me. That right their was a ton of bricks to carry.
Secondly, I never knew what I was going to come home to. He almost burned down my house with the dogs in it. He was carrying the garage door opener in a bag and I came home the garage door was open and I saw my dogs across the main street. I had already lost one on that street. He always blamed everything on something else. Like he didn't carry the garage door opener - there must have been something wrong with the sensors. Oh, for pete sake! He decided to open a pipe in the basement after I told him not to and the nastiest crap came out of it, missed the bucket and got all over the carpeting. He actually blamed my dog. I know that dog NEVER went down there so he was so full of crap. These seem like little things but it was the fact this stuff went on EVERYDAY. The way he and his mom were planning out a wedding drove me insane because I had to repeat 1000 times my parents weren't paying a dime of it.
I shoulder part of it on the fact that I have always lived alone and was not used to cohabitating with even a roommate, so having someone suddenly on top of you all the time was very difficult for me.
The final straw was a night out for a couple beers and chicken wings and we were just chit-chatting about different stuff. He asked me if I had things to do over again, what would I have done? I told him, "gone away to school instead of staying here." He snapped, just snapped - odd as hell. He said, "I see." Grabbed his coat and just left all P.O.'d. The bartender gave me a ride home and when I walked into the kitchen he had the refrigerator door open and I know he was going to grab a beer and I said, "NO" and grabbed the door and he raised his arm up like he was going to hit me. Oh, hell no. I threw him the hell out of the house that very minute and kept his keys. We were through. He never hit me and maybe he never would have, but to get into that stance was plenty enough for me to call it a day - no way would I live like that.
Sometime around 2 a.m. I got really ill. I had severe pain and was throwing up and ended up in the hospital. Turns out I had a massive kidney stone blocking the urethra and it caused a huge infection and my blood was going septic. They had to do emergency surgery. He shows up at the hospital that afternoon asking about taking care of the dogs and other stuff and I said, "Nope, mom is taking care of them and the only thing I want is when I get out of here I want you out of there."
So, you can know someone for years and years and still never really know them until you live with them.
Not living together because you think you may break up with that person is more of working with options. I don't think that's bad reasoning.
To me moving in together is an option to bail verses making a commitment to getting married. It's like meh- I am planning for this to not work.
Then again I admit I really don't know much about it as I have never lived with someone outside of marriage. I suppose it is an in between commitment from dating to marriage.
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