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My boyfriend and I are having a disagreement. We have been dating for two years and his parents really like me. We are both 19 and months away from being 20. We are visiting his family for half a day to cheer on his sister at her soccer game. My boyfriend's dad paid for appetizers while we waited for the game to start. After the game, we went to five-guys which is fast food. I paid for myself a simple burger and milkshake. My boyfriend asked to talk to me outside and yelled at me saying that I was extremely disrespectful. First off, my family never taught me this kind of etiquette. I thought of it as his dad already bought me one meal, so it was no big deal. I know he can afford it but I'm an adult and I can pay for my own meal. My boyfriend and his two other siblings were still thinking about what they wanted so I just ordered. Was that disrespectful? I get so frustrated when my boyfriend tells me he needs to pay. I can take care of myself. Can someone please help me understand this etiquette expectation? How can I get my boyfriend to understand my point of view or should I just accept it?
This has nothing to do with geography other than the fact that it happened in Oregon. ETA I see it's been moved from the Oregon forum.
Lose the boyfriend. Whether you were right or wrong about the Five-Guys thing (FWIW, it was a minor faux pas), taking you outside and yelling at you over it should be a deal breaker.
Last edited by Metlakatla; 10-24-2018 at 10:10 PM..
Sounds like he REALLY wants to please his dad, which means he expects you to also. Which could be problematic down the road.
Quote:
Originally Posted by A33i3
My boyfriend asked to talk to me outside and yelled at me saying that I was extremely disrespectful.
He has no right to yell at you. You could say, "Please stop yelling at me. I did not know this mattered so much in your family. I will gladly respect him enough to let him pay for my meals, but I'd like you also to respect me by not treating me like a child."
Quote:
Originally Posted by A33i3
I get so frustrated when my boyfriend tells me he needs to pay.
Does this come up often?
If they are insisting, I say let them pay. But they in turn cannot treat you poorly.
One of dumbest things to fight over. Yeah, dump him because of a petty disagreement Are people this uncompromising and unwilling to solve disagreements?
My boyfriend and I are having a disagreement. We have been dating for two years and his parents really like me. We are both 19 and months away from being 20. We are visiting his family for half a day to cheer on his sister at her soccer game. My boyfriend's dad paid for appetizers while we waited for the game to start. After the game, we went to five-guys which is fast food. I paid for myself a simple burger and milkshake. My boyfriend asked to talk to me outside and yelled at me saying that I was extremely disrespectful. First off, my family never taught me this kind of etiquette. I thought of it as his dad already bought me one meal, so it was no big deal. I know he can afford it but I'm an adult and I can pay for my own meal. My boyfriend and his two other siblings were still thinking about what they wanted so I just ordered. Was that disrespectful? I get so frustrated when my boyfriend tells me he needs to pay. I can take care of myself. Can someone please help me understand this etiquette expectation? How can I get my boyfriend to understand my point of view or should I just accept it?
Just go with it. Let dad or him take care of you if that is what they wish and be gracious and appreciative, but you make sure that you are always in the position financially to take care of yourself.
You did not know what the "family" protocol or tradition was. So, no, you are not at fault or disrespectful. You did the best you knew how to do. You were trying to show gratitude and respect to his dad who had already bought round one. For you BF to call you outside and then call you out is waaaay out of line. His actions and yelling were/are unacceptable. He sounds overbearing and controlling. Dump him and find a guy who appreciates that you do not want to use a guy or his family.
They've been together for 2 years, and people here are suggesting that the OP should dump him over a minor misunderstanding. That is insane. They just need to talk about what happened.
OP, make sure to let him know that it's not ok to yell at you.
If you feel very strongly about paying for yourself, then let him know that.
If he explains that it's really important to him and his family, and you paying for yourself is going to cause a big family disruption, then you may want to reconsider your position.
I don't really understand a lot of this etiquette stuff, so I can't comment on that.
(If he continues to yell at you in the future, then you should dump him.)
My boyfriend and I are having a disagreement. We have been dating for two years and his parents really like me. We are both 19 and months away from being 20. We are visiting his family for half a day to cheer on his sister at her soccer game. My boyfriend's dad paid for appetizers while we waited for the game to start. After the game, we went to five-guys which is fast food. I paid for myself a simple burger and milkshake. My boyfriend asked to talk to me outside and yelled at me saying that I was extremely disrespectful. First off, my family never taught me this kind of etiquette. I thought of it as his dad already bought me one meal, so it was no big deal. I know he can afford it but I'm an adult and I can pay for my own meal. My boyfriend and his two other siblings were still thinking about what they wanted so I just ordered. Was that disrespectful? I get so frustrated when my boyfriend tells me he needs to pay. I can take care of myself. Can someone please help me understand this etiquette expectation? How can I get my boyfriend to understand my point of view or should I just accept it?
You've been dating him for two years, and you've never sat down with him to explain how you feel about this? And why would he yell at you about it, during the date? He couldn't wait until he was taking you home, or some other time? This doesn't sound like a good guy. Are there other issues in the relationship? Or was this just a one-off type of incident?
They've been together for 2 years, and people here are suggesting that the OP should dump him over a minor misunderstanding. That is insane. They just need to talk about what happened.
OP, make sure to let him know that it's not ok to yell at you.
If you feel very strongly about paying for yourself, then let him know that.
If he explains that it's really important to him and his family, and you paying for yourself is going to cause a big family disruption, then you may want to reconsider your position.
I don't really understand a lot of this etiquette stuff, so I can't comment on that.
(If he continues to yell at you in the future, then you should dump him.)
Not really, not too out of line, to suggest taking a look at the relationship overall. His reaction was extreme. It raises questions, about his behavior in general. Is he controlling? Overly critical? Emotionally abusive? It could be a red flag. Or not; it could just be a fluke incident. But people have the right to express concern for the OP, and to question whether this might be part of a pattern in the relationship.
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Are people this uncompromising and unwilling to solve disagreements?