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This could fall in the Realtionship or Parenting Forum:
If you are the person cheated on in a marriage and then divorce from your spouse, do you tell your children the reasoning for the divorce?
I am noticing a trend that women/men scorned by a cheating spouse will tell their children all the gritty details of the affair. I dont know if it's to gain faovritisim or sympathy, or if it works as some sort of coping mechanism, but I have heared several sorties that as children as young as 7/8 hearing the sordid details of their parents affairs.
Is it difficult to keep a cheating ex husband/wife in a positive light for the sake of a child?
Is it too much to ask that you simply tell a child that the two of you are divorcing for other reasons?
Do you beleive that ONLY the cheating spouse should come forth and explain what happened as long as the child is old enough to understand (maybe 18+)?
Last edited by trist3616; 11-12-2013 at 07:29 AM..
I didn't tell my kids........but someone else told my older daughter when she was about 12.
It was a friend of hers, we had known the family a long time. Friend asked my dd why we got divorced. My dd said she didn't know. Friend asked her Mom, who I considered a friend, she said that my ex had another girlfriend. So of course her friend immediately reported this to my daughter. The look on dd's face when she told me this.......it was one of the worst days of my life. I did call ex right away and warn him. I admit I was secretly happy to have the opportunity to let him know he hadn't fooled anyone in our neighborhood and that other people thought poorly of him. But not happy about the cost to my daughter's peace of mind!
At the time my ex was still dating the other woman. He had tried to keep their relationship discreet, but time had passed and my daughter had spent some time with this woman (an alcoholic). So it did not take too much for her to put two and two together. I had the presence of mind to say that Daddy and I had broken up for a lot of reasons but the damage was done. My dd went through a period of emotionally detaching herself from her dad. I believe that will never really mend. Now that he has moved on and remarried a much more appropriate woman, dd is still not very interested in participating in the new version of the family unit out of loyalty to me.
I was so furious with the woman who felt it was appropriate to share this detail with a 12 year old. She was known in the neighborhood for her gossipy ways so I should not have been surprised at her poor judgement. I snubbed her completely for 2 years or so, then got stuck sitting next to her at a social event. I was chatting with the woman on my other side about a doctor I was dating and Mrs. Nosy asked if it was anyone she knew. (She was a Drs wife) and I said "As if I would tell you!" To this day I don't think she knows what I was so pissed off at her about. I have since moved away.
My younger dd probably figured it out by now but has never asked me about it. I did not feel it was my place to tell, but she isn't stupid. Even if she doesn't know that one tidbit, her dad is immature enough to make it clear to her why we were not a good couple. He really hasn't changed his ways very much and gives both girls the same manipulative crap he dished out to me. It is really painful and embarrassing for them to know that about their dad. One of the main reasons I left was because I didn't want them to grow up thinking that the way he treated me was acceptable. They deserve better than that.
So of course I don't think you should tell kids the gory details and put them in the middle...but kids aren't stupid. At some point it needs to be addressed. I just don't think it is healthy to sweep that kind of stuff under the rug and pretend it never happened.
To be fair, I probably could be more honest with my kids about the ways I was not a good wife. There are a few ;-) But none so unforgivable as cheating.
I never sat down and told my boys why I packed their mothers belongings then tossed that and her out the front door. But she was so into drugs and drinking while they were growing up that I think they know.
Granted there are few excuses for cheating and some cheaters are just plain rotten, it's always been my opinion it takes two to cheat. Not an excuse, but there are reasons, 80% of men and 60% of women will cheat during the first ten years of marriage. The answer 99% of the time, is the non cheating partner is not fulfilling the needs of the other.
With that said, in most cases, walking away is best and to keep the details out. Doing so otherwise is really nothing more then holding the other parent ransom in some way. It is damaging to the kids and serves no purpose.
No! I wouldn't tell my 19-year-old daughter why I divorced her mom, and it wasn't because of cheating. In fact, I've never told anyone who I know other than my new wife and my parents. If the ex wants to make up stories (and she does) she can have at it. She's not a horrible person, we were just not right for each other.
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