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I was speaking to a friend of mine at a party on the weekend, and she has been with her partner for nearly 10 years. She said she didn't have/want kids because her and her partner like their lives the way they are. Some people praised her, some insinuated she was selfish, some told her she'd regret it.
I was discussing it with my ex flatmate recently and I said to her there is more to life than kids and marriage. She said there wasn't.
A lot of my "hippier" friends don't "believe" in marriage because they don't think a piece of paper and a ring is needed to validate their love. One even told me their words to each other are like vows every day.
Where do you stand? I know if I told my parents I didn't want either of these things they would be terribly disappointed!
there is more to life for some people than children and marriage. people should make up their own minds to suit their life. some people want you to be married and have children simply because that is their path and think it should be everyone's. parents get over disappointments. having children or getting married to make your parents happy is the worst reason to do either. to each his own. not selfish at all
Personally I think desiring kids for the sake of having kids, when you aren't in a relationship, is a sign of a mental defect or projection of your parents/society's demands. Simply desiring kids also sets yourself up for failure when looking for a partner because most women, for example, are capable of bearing children. It would probably hasten the selection process of finding a partner and also create problems later on in said relationship. I've seen plenty of women who go out of their way to get knocked up then ignore the man entirely...this would fall into the mental defect category.
I believe you should find a partner based on everything else, but definitely not the simple fact that they can have kids with you. Kids, to me, are more of an afterthought if I find the right person. Then when I find the right person, the choice of having kids or not isn't really that important.
I don't see them any certain way, you want kids, have them. If you don't want kids, don't have them. Wanna get married, get married, don't want to get married, don't get married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SecretlySad
because they don't think a piece of paper and a ring is needed to validate their love.
Now this is the biggest load of BS I hear people say. If a person does not want to get married, then don't, good for them, that's wonderful. But to use the I don't need a piece of paper and/or ring bs just means "nobody WANTS to marry them, so then they pretend that it doesn't matter".
I don't see them any certain way, you want kids, have them. If you don't want kids, don't have them. Wanna get married, get married, don't want to get married, don't get married.
Now this is the biggest load of BS I hear people say. If a person does not want to get married, then don't, good for them, that's wonderful. But to use the I don't need a piece of paper and/or ring bs just means "nobody WANTS to marry them, so then they pretend that it doesn't matter".
The bit in bold is simply not true. Marriage is a huge risk these days and if you're living together and getting along well, then why take that risk? A piece of paper should NOT make any difference in how much someone loves you but it DOES make a huge difference when it comes to finances and liability.
My friend just told me her landlord's wife is really upset. He had to file for bankruptcy recently and the IRS is garnishing HER wages as well, even though his debts were incurred before the two were married.
Marriage legally joins you to the other person AND his/her problems, debts, etc. Living together does not.
When you say your friend and her "partner" I assume they are not married? So if they decided to have a child/children they would be out of wedlock?
I think it makes perfect sense for individuals to choose not to have children either married or unmarried if that is what they want. The greater fear as I see it is an unwanted child over her possibly having later regrets on the say so of others.
As for these Hippie "Paperless" vow relationships, they can turn out a complete disaster especially if children enter the equation.
There is a documentary on PBS narrated by Peter Coyote covering the "60's and the hippie/counterculture movement that shows just how disatrous these open relationships turn out, especially for the children.
I've been labelled selfish for not wanting/ready for kids, I don't understand how that is being selfish
I think that if two people love each other, and are committed to each other & it works for them and they don't plan to get married - that is fine. It's not going to change what they've got.
Which is ironic to me, because I consider people who reproduce just for the sake of reproducing without any thought put into the ramifications, to be extremely selfish.
I don't want kids, so of course I have zero problem with women who don't want kids. Between the horrible expense, the problems of world overpopulation, the risk of kids hating your guts when they get older, my crappy genes, I'm thankful to be childless. And even in the highly unlikely event that I changed my mind, I'd rather adopt. We all know there's more than enough underprivileged kids to go around (which more or less ties right back into my reasoning stated earlier).
I would love to get married again. I actually liked being married for the most part. Because of the way my marriage ended, I wouldn't mind just living with someone I cared for but I think marriage is special. I don't want children; love kids but they aren't for me.
Which is ironic to me, because I consider people who reproduce just for the sake of reproducing without any thought put into the ramifications, to be extremely selfish.
I don't want kids, so of course I have zero problem with women who don't want kids. Between the horrible expense, the problems of world overpopulation, the risk of kids hating your guts when they get older, my crappy genes, I'm thankful to be childless. And even in the highly unlikely event that I changed my mind, I'd rather adopt. We all know there's more than enough underprivileged kids to go around (which more or less ties right back into my reasoning stated earlier).
When did I get drunk, black out, and make this account? Because this sounds almost word-for-word what I tell people when they find out that I don't want kids. Being unwilling to care for a child because "its not mine" is grossly selfish, imo. I have no urge to reproduce, but if I wanted a baby suddenly, I'd opt for adoption any day.
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