I've recently gotten myself into a situation. Now I know when most people read these sort of things they just suggest the guy move on every time, but try to understand it from what I want. I'll leave a
TL;DR at the bottom for those not interested in the full thing
I was between my junior and senior year in high school. This girl I had known for a few years, she was pretty and I enjoyed talking to, started hanging out with me. She seemed pretty intent on dating me right form the get go, and while I wasn't totally head over heels about her, I decided to. It didn't exactly work out well, and before two months we had broken up. Honestly, she just wanted a lot more of my time and I wasn't that into it. She acted really immature post breakup, ended up pissing me off a lot. We stopped talking altogether and that was that.
Fast forward a few years. I had one girlfriend since, and a really hard breakup. She had one boyfriend that she lived with for nearly two years, but during the summer between our sophomore/junior years in college, they broke up. Maybe its because so much time had passed, but I decided to message her and ask if she was ok. We ended up chatting a bit, sure enough, within a few weeks we hooked up at her place. This was my first time having any relations with a girl since I had that really tough breakup my freshman year of college, so I was feeling great. Happiest I had been in years.
But, as we will see is a reoccurring theme, she has trouble getting over her ex's. The next day, I was feeling on top of the world. But then I got a text from her saying "we need to talk" while I was at work. Apparently, her ex contacted her that day, and I guess somehow coerced her into wanting to get back together with him. Right after we had just hooked up. She told me she didn't want to be with my anymore. It was a disaster for me. As much as I tried, there was just no convincing her to change her mind. Until finally she just realized it couldn't be the same with him, and that she still liked me.
So that became the start of probably the best summer of my life. Her best friends were actually the girlfriends of my best friends, which made for a lot of fun. Every party I'd have my friends, she'd have hers. It was really a great relationship. But, there was a catch, she was moving. Now to begin with, I went to college in NYC, she went to college in DC. That meant long distance during the school year. But, her family was moving to VT (about 3 hours away) and she was going to be there for the rest of the time.
Nevertheless, we had a great summer. There was a very emotional goodbye at the end of the summer when she moved away, but we managed to visit each other very often, especially because I had family near her new home. Lost in all of this mess, due to the move and financial circumstances, she couldn't go back to DC for school. She had to take a year off, then transfer to UVM.
So the next chapter in our relationship began, with me in NY in my junior year and her in VT taking the year off of school. It was a very good year, we had a kind of relationship that worked very well long distance. We spent a lot of time on Skype, even watched a lot of shows together and played games on our computers together. She visited me quite often, and things felt great. Winter break came, we spent even more time together. Then on to semester two, still smooth sailing. Sure enough, we made it the entire year with quite minimal fighting, and saw each other very often. We were both happy.
Summer went well, we had our one year anniversary. She moved out of the house with her family, into an apartment on UVM's campus. I stayed there a lot over summer, and had just gotten a car too, which meant I'd be able to visit frequently. Things were looking good.
But things didn't go as they appeared. I began my senior year, she began her junior year at UVM. Since she had moved there as a junior, she didn't know a whole lot of people. She made friends with a guy that she worked with over the summer, and they soon became close. While he was not even remotely attractive, I admit I was a bit jealous. She had started going out drinking with him and to parties with him. It was a little uncomfortable. I liked to go out too, but she tended to not handle her alcohol as well as I did.
Drinking one day a weekend, turned into two, which turned into three, and eventually it seemed like we had no time for each other. We were busy with school in the week, and every night she was out drinking on the weekend. Originally I didn't want her smoking pot, but she did it behind my back. Eventually I came to terms with it (maybe I'm a bit ornery) though. All along the way I kept being jealous of this guy she was hanging out with, and a little bitter and worried about her drinking habits.
Eventually, what with my paranoia, and her surely meeting guys at parties, she broke up with me. I had been an *******, I admit. I was almost asking for it. I was being too restrictive. She went out that night, I stayed home and got drunk alone and passed out. I woke up to 7 missed calls from her. She realized she made a mistake. So we decided that we wouldn't count it.
A few weeks go by, but things were a little different. Since she had broken up with me, I obviously started to think what if things stayed that way, started considering maybe I need to meet some more girls. I never did or acted on it, but the idea was in my head. And I think she wasn't as into it anymore either. After some back and forth, eventually she broke up with me again, this time for good.
I was really sad. I tried everything I could to get her back together with me, I was convinced I could make it work. I even offered driving up to visit her the next weekend (an 8 hour drive). She said I could, but it didn't mean we'd get back together. I figured it was worth a shot. I visited, we had honestly a great weekend, had sex quite often, but for some reason she still didn't want to date me. I came back home dejected but not out. I hung on, determined to make it work. I feel like at this point she started to get used to how good it felt when someone was practically begging to be with you.
Eventually, through the help of a friend, I realized that. I had tried to tell her if she didn't want to get back together, that I didn't want to talk anymore, but she couldn't. She'd still text me the next day. Eventually, I had enough, and told her I didn't want to talk for at least a week. She said okay, but what do you know, barely a day goes by and she messages me saying she wants to get back together. But, not yet.
She said she realized what I meant to her, and that if I visited her for Thanksgiving break (in about a week from now, three weeks from then), then she would date me again. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, I was so happy. And for two weeks, things were good. Oh, and by the way, the guy that she was hanging out with ended up asking her out on a date after we broke up, so my jealousy was justified (she said no to him though).
So, this past Saturday was my friends birthday, so we went out to a few bars in the city to celebrate. I was pretty drunk, but when I got back I wanted to Skype her. She had been at a party at that guys's house again. We went on Skype, everything appeared as normal. But when I logged on, almost immediately she mentioned doing something bad. She didn't seem like was scared/worried about what she did though. I tried to get it out of her, and finally she told me: while she was drunk she had snorted coke (once).
Like I mentioned earlier, I wasn't thrilled about her smoking weed but accepted it. But to me, this was way too far. And maybe because I have a temper, or maybe because I was drunk, I got really mad. I was swearing, calling her out, and saying some horrible ****. But at the same time I was worried about her. She had seemingly become so addicted to drinking she was doing dumb things. I didn't know what to do, and maybe it was the wrong choice, but I had to tell her parents (she had a history of making bad decisions/mental health, and I knew one of her ex's told her mom about something once which ended up saving her life). So I did, despite her begging me not to. You can think what you want, but I felt her mom deserved to know especially with what might happen.
She cried a lot that night, and as I calmed down, I started to feel bad. The girl that I felt like betrayed me, all of the sudden I realized was my sweet girlfriend of the last two years who was heartbroken that she hurt me and her family. She said she would stop drinking so she wouldn't make that mistake again.
Eventually of course, she talked to her mom. And told her mom how angry I had gotten, then her mom started to think maybe things weren't so good between us. Her mom knew we broke up, and that things were rocky but getting better, but I guess this made her think it wasn't able to be saved. So it went from her begging and saying she would fix things with me, to her starting to think again things wouldn't work between us.
Sure enough, here I am today. We got done Skyping a few hours ago, and she doesn't know if she wants to get back together this Thanksgiving anymore. At first, after the drug incident, I didn't know if I did either, but as anger faded I came back to reality. All of the sudden I have this sick feeling again that I did when she broke up with my the first time. I can't seem to shake it. I didn't think it would bother me after what happened, but its killing me.
Now I know most (if anyone reads all of that), is going to think that things are clearly not going to work. But I'm not so sure, and the only thing I do know is that I can't say goodbye to her. She had a hard time closing the book on me too, yet she comes close. And I want to make it so she doesn't get to the point where she can permanently.
So this is my situation. She said she would tell me on Friday if she wants me to visit for Thanksgiving anymore, but I don't think she is going to. And if she says no, thats probably going to be it. Thats really our one chance to repair the damage. I have this horrible sick feeling as I wait for Friday to come, not knowing what will happen. I want to fix things, but I don't know what to do to make her think they can be fixed.
If anyone choses to respond, I just ask that you don't tell me to forget it. At least don't just say that. If you honestly think it, go right ahead, but if you also have any idea what I can do to fix things I'd really appreciate that more. I have a lot of people already telling me to let it go, thats why I came here. She means so much to me, and I love her, so I want it to work.
TL;DR: Girl I've been dating for about a year and a half, who goes to college in a different state, has had me in relationship purgatory for the past couple months. Had a good relationship for awhile, but her going to new school has made things different. She is stuck between wanting to date me and wanting to move on, while I have been trying to get her to give me one last chance. I need to convince her by Friday to let me visit over Thanksgiving to fix things. She says she isn't sure if we should yet.
If anyone cares to respond I would appreciate it. If not, it felt good just to lay it all out there for myself
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