How to proceed...limbo and friendzoned (dating, boyfriend, woman, single)

[TDSS]

This may be long, sorry.

I have just VERY recently ended a live in relationship (officially 6 days ago). My BF and I were together for a little over a year when he moved in with me in March (everyone in this story is 35, for reference). Since we've been living together, it's gone downhill fast. I discovered that he fights an addiction, is extremely stubborn and selfish, and that his young daughter is an out of control brat. Things were hidden quite well during dating, but living together made things very apparent. The last 2-3 months we fought more than we didn't, and I was trying VERY hard to repair and keep the relationship, but unfortunately, he wasn't. It has become very apparent that we are not right for each other, and I finally decided last week that although I do still care about him, that I no longer wanted a relationship with him. Unfortunately, he lives in my house and has already paid rent through November, and will have to find a place to live, and I need to figure out things financially on my own again, since things have changed for me since he moved in. So, he will likely be living here for at least another month, until we figure out the splitting of the bills and furniture, etc.

Anyway...in July, a man started working at my office, and he began being friendly to me. He asked me to grab lunch with him a couple of times, and hung around my office a bit more than "normal", and I was getting the vibe that he was interested in me. And startlingly...I realized that I was developing an interest in him. I've not once ever in my life ever developed an interest in someone else while I had a boyfriend. Never. I've never cheated, don't believe in it, and it will never happen. Even though I was in the middle of hell in my relationship, I still wanted very much for it to work, and was still very much committed to it, so I made sure to mention my boyfriend on a few occasions to dissuade him from any potential interest that he may have had. I specifically started staying away from him as much as possible to try to force my attraction to go away, because I felt very guilty for it even existing. After a short time, between me very pointedly mentioning my boyfriend, and being rather standoffish, he eventually started staying away from my office more, having clearly gotten the message. We were friendly coworkers, but that was it.

So, over the last 2-3 months of my relationship becoming worse and worse, I noticed my interest in this man growing. I thought very seriously about the idea that I was becoming interested simply because I was not getting what I needed emotionally at home, but I realized that that wasn't the 100% truth. I truly like this guy, independent of whatever was going on in my relationship. I noticed last week that he seemed to be pretty glum, so I approached him on Friday and asked him what was wrong. He gave me a quick rundown of some personal issues he was going through, but we got interrupted by a customer, so I suddenly found myself saying, "Hey, let's go to lunch and finish our conversation." He agreed immediately.

We talked about everything during lunch, from his current issue with the custody of his kids, to my relationship issues, to our heritage and backgrounds and our movie and music likes and our thoughts on random situations. On several occasions, he elaborated on something I said and finished my thoughts exactly. It was a great feeling to connect with someone like that; I had never felt that kind of a thing with my ex, or with anyone else for about 5 years, for that matter. I told him that I thought he was a pretty cool guy and that it seemed like we had a lot in common. He had just moved here right before he started at our office and didn't really know anyone outside of work, so I said something along the lines of how he now had a friend to talk to when things weren't going so well.

3 days later, Monday, my BF and I finally had the breakup talk (I would have done it sooner, but he didn't come home for the whole weekend). That was 6 days ago. The man at work has been really quiet and glum (his ex wants to move the kids across the country). This past week, I've tried to be friendly without being pushy, and it's felt sort of awkward for me, because I obviously like him but he's got a lot of things on his mind so that I don't think he's really even thinking about dating (anybody) at the moment. He did ask one of our other coworkers if my BF and I broke up, and that coworker confirmed, so he is aware of it.

I know it probably has zero to do with me, but I'm worried that his standoffishness this week is not just because of his being upset over the custody thing, but that perhaps he feels weird about being around me. I don't know if he's interested in me in a romantic way or not. Perhaps he never was and just wanted a friend, or perhaps me mentioning the BF and letting him know that he had a FRIEND in me made him change his mind even if he did at one point have an interest. Perhaps if he is interested, he's uncomfortable with it being so soon after my breakup and doesn't want to be a rebound. So many things that I don't know and it's all just...an awkward limbo at the moment.

How should I proceed? Please, no "don't sh** where you eat" comments; I'm fully aware of the pros and cons of dating a co-worker. If it's something that does end up happening, rules would most definitely be put in place to prevent future issues (I plan on leaving this office in a year anyway when I finish school). I just don't know how to handle this limbo stage. If I knew one way or the other whether he was romantically interested in me or not, that would take a load off my shoulders, but I don't feel comfortable enough to question it yet. I could either be confident in working through this limbo, or put my feelings to bed and move on. And honestly, if he's not interested, I may let my ex stay living in my house a little longer so that I can get some things paid off. If he's interested in pursuing a relationship with me, I'll definitely get the ex out of the house faster.

[Adhom]

As a woman, don't you have many many ways of showing romantic interest without actually asking the question?

[evan83]

Never, ever date a man with kids.

That is my advice. And I am ALWAYS right.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by evan83

Never, ever date a man with kids.

That is my advice. And I am ALWAYS right.

Exactly. Plus, you're on the rebound and very likely not in the best state of mind to see things clearly. You don't need another relationship where you are not the top priority.

[kat247]

It sounds like the both of you are not in a good spot to start dating again, especially him. You been dating your guy for year. He just got out of a divorce with kids and it sounds like its nasty. Yikes!!!
If his divorce was amicable and smooth maybe but it doesn't sound that way.

[kitkatbar]

This guy might be great, but it sounds like both of you are in a volatile place right now. He's in a huge custody mess and you still have your ex living in your house. Honestly, both of you could use some time on your own to get your heads straight before starting something new. Sometimes situations like this turn out okay, but more often people are tempted to move too fast and/or think they feel things they don't because they're rebounding to some extent and don't realize it.

In any case, I would get the ex out of your house sooner rather than later if you're really looking to move on with anyone... I think you're going to need some time alone to heal before truly being ready for something new. Good luck.

[jsun556]

I think you're both rebounding.

This has fun and disaster written all over it.

[TDSS]

To clarify, he's been divorced for 5 years; his ex and her husband are wanting to move out of state now.

I thought long and hard about whether this would be a rebound thing for me, and I'm confident it's not. Rebounding is not something I "do". Never have. I don't get feelings for someone easily. Also, even though I very much wanted my relationship to work out, I have accepted gracefully that it is for the best that we're not together. Truthfully I think it's the most adult thing I've ever done, and it's the most stable, healthy, and happy I've ever felt regarding the end of a relationship. I've been single for much more time than I've been in relationships, so I'm actually very comfortable being single. I don't want to rush into something bad.

I know plenty of ways to express interest, but it's precarious, working together. If he's not interested, I don't want him to feel awkward, so I need to proceed with caution.

[Atlguy39]

Originally Posted by TDSS

To clarify, he's been divorced for 5 years; his ex and her husband are wanting to move out of state now.

I thought long and hard about whether this would be a rebound thing for me, and I'm confident it's not. Rebounding is not something I "do". Never have. I don't get feelings for someone easily. Also, even though I very much wanted my relationship to work out, I have accepted gracefully that it is for the best that we're not together. Truthfully I think it's the most adult thing I've ever done, and it's the most stable, healthy, and happy I've ever felt regarding the end of a relationship. I've been single for much more time than I've been in relationships, so I'm actually very comfortable being single. I don't want to rush into something bad.

I know plenty of ways to express interest, but it's precarious, working together. If he's not interested, I don't want him to feel awkward, so I need to proceed with caution.

Well, it does sound better since you put it this way. I'd say try to go to lunch with him once a week or so and see if/how it progresses. You can't show any interest in the office, but at lunch, maybe you can show more interest. I went through something similar in my 20's (when I had no clue what I was doing and early in my career) with a woman at work in an unhappy relationship. We had lunch daily. I was also in a relationship at the time, so nothing could have happened. She ended up hooking up with someone else in our office building and then telling me all the details. Ugh! But it made me realize I had a shot with her had the timing been better. Timing might not be ideal for you right now, but in a month or two it could be. In the meantime, go to lunch with him regularly and get to know him outside of the office.

[TDSS]

Well, the 8 of us in the office are going out to dinner on Saturday night, so we'll see what happens. I just feel weird, not knowing his thoughts, asking him to lunch without a reason because it's rare that I go to lunch with anyone. Everyone would see right through that in a heartbeat!